A
female
age
36-40,
*hmshn
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years two days ago. He had been extremely controlling and our relationship was very rocky. I was at the point where I had completely changed for him and could not even be myself around him because he would always criticize me, although when I was with my friends I would let go and be my usual goofy and fun loving self... which I can be all the time now and absolutely LOVE!!Well, now I don't know what to do dating-wise. Is it too soon after the break up to start checking out my new prospects? Keep in mind I had lost all feelings for my ex about a month or 2 ago. I just turned 21 years old and it's time for me to finally live for myself and have a good time, and my mom told me she thinks I should start dating and getting to know other guys so I can find one who finally treats me the way I deserve. But the problem is I was in a relationship since I was 17 so I don't really know what "dating" means. One guy at a time, how long should I wait to make it serious?? These are all things I don't know the answers to because I have been living in a bubble for almost 4 years.I have a few good friends who I managed to get back in touch with through facebook (I never made one when I was with my boyfriend because he was jealous and would start fights over it) but I don't know what to tell these friends. They will ask me where I've been and why I lost touch with them and I don't want to give them a sob story because I really don't even feel bitter about leaving my ex, but I also don't want to have to beat around the bush and lie to my friends. The only regret I feel about leaving this relationship is that I waited so long to do it...
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female
reader, shmshn +, writes (4 August 2009):
shmshn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I hope you find happiness as well, you surely deserve it after all these years!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Hi, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I'm 24 now and I met him when I was 17. He too was controlling and I felt I had to act differently around him to avoid causing a row. I couldn't really go out on girls nights out as it would always leads to fights. It was ok for him to have all his friends but if I was making any and doing my own thing he would freak out.
I'm wondering too about meeting new people and hopefully dating again. I think we should play the field for a while and have fun. Hope you find happiness.
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A
female
reader, shmshn +, writes (29 July 2009):
shmshn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your replies, you made me feel a lot better. Most of my friends before I started my relationship with my ex were guys because I just got along better with them in general and so that is why I'm worried about divulging too much information.. I know guys and girls will take hearing that I just got out of a relationship way differently.
I will take each of your advice to heart and I am trying to better myself.. I know that I need to figure out what makes ME happy before I can expect anyone else to do that for me. Looks like I have some soul searching to do.
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A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Dating someone long-term who you are not compatible with would be a waste of your time. It is a good idea to enjoy some casual dates and to see what is out there and get a good idea of the qualities you would like ideally. Finding out that someone is not what you are looking for after forming an attachment to them isn't the best way to do things for your own happiness.Date casually and think about what you are really looking for. When going on more casual dates, make a point to really get to know the men you are dating as well as you can in a short amount of time without forming a serious emotional attachment. Have fun, but keep things light and more so like a friendship. You should be ultimately looking for someone you are very compatible with. If a date isn't compatible enough, cut him loose. A compatible man would be someone who shares your values, interests, either shares or fits into your future goals and has other things in common (hobbies etc). You should also be looking for someone who is completely honest and is themselves. Someone who is a bit too charming isn't being themselves and you won't know who they really are until much too late in the dating process. Ultimately someone you are truly compatible with should be someone possessing the qualities I mentioned above whom you feel very comfortable with and who you are emotionally passionate about.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Instead of thinking so much about dating, why not use the new connections with old friends to just go out and socialize. Arrange a few girly nights out and just enjoy yourself, or try something different by trying a new interest that will give you something else to think about.
As for dating after a break up, well there are no rules. It's all about how you feel. If you came out of a bad relationship, then you can pretty much start dating immediately if that is what you want to do. If you got dumped, you might need a little more time to get over things before you can date anyone else. It's all pretty much how you feel about things.
Personally I wouldn't worry about telling your friends about your past relationship. If they want to know why you haven't been around, just tell them you were involved but your now over it and ready to move on!
It happens to most people at some time in their lives so I am sure they would understand. Try not to bog people down too much with any details, because generally people will be sympathetic the first time, but will see you as a drag if you keep hankering on about how bad things were!
Kepping a private diary for all your feelings is an excellent way to get it all 'off your chest' without tiring or boring others with the grusome details. You can keep an online journal with a password, so there is no danger of anyone else reading it.
My advice would be to rejoice that you are no longer in an unhappy relationship, go out and have fun with your new friends and just be happy being you! Also if you want tips for dating then there are about a billion sites online to get the general idea.
Good luck and a big hug!!!
Aunty Em xxx
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A
male
reader, beachguy +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I have been in your shoes... with someone that was insecure, jealous, possessive...I detached from all of my friends out of fear of her anger. When I finally got out of it, it was such a relief! I was 36 and realized that I had had 3 long term relationships with females with similar personalities! So, I have taken the last 2 years to regroup and figure out what it is in ME that attracts unstable people? What I ended up doing is making a list of "musts" for my next potential partner (traits, likes, dislikes, etc). Relationships are definitely not easy but one thing for sure is it takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship. Don't worry about your friends, just continue contact with them as if nothing ever happened. Some of them you should be able to confide in and tell them the truth about why you were out of touch for so long. You would be amazed at how many people get in bad relationships and how many people understand what you are going through.
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