A
female
age
51-59,
*hinachik
writes:I would really appreciate any advice I can get on this matter because I really need to decide what I should do about my RAF boyfriend and I.I am beginning to realise how hard it is to be involved with a military man after dating him for 4 months, and I know I am falling for him, but need to know what more to expect before I fall deeper for him or break it off and move on.He is a lovely man, and I really respect him for his choices, but sometimes I have huge doubts about him. He avoids questions, and withdraws and dosen't let me share his life. I know in the past he has been hurt by women but nothing in detail, all he said was that most women can't put up with his lifestyle. It seems that instead of telling me what goes on, he disappears with some sort of excuse and then tentatively comes back with some sort of excuse. This is quite hurtful, and I have seen him on dating websites talking to other women, but he says he dosent see anyone else. It seems as if he keeps me at arms length and I don't know if he does this because he dosen't love me, or whether he thinks I'm going to leave him? I really don't know. It seems like he wants to be with me, but dosen't want to be attached.We are not young, he's 40 and I'm 38, and I can understand that he's set in his ways, but I don't know how to get through to him sometimes. There is such a wall around him. I know its not anything I've done, and the times we spend together are really happy, but really don't know what to expect or whether he's just using me and going to dump me.Would really love some feedback on my situation so I know how to tackle things, thanks for reading.
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female
reader, romany +, writes (15 September 2010):
 I was married to a bloke in the RAF for 15 years, and compared to the Army, RAF dont see much action, but that depends on what his trade is, I dont think his actions are to do with being in the forces personally.
At your age I was also on the dating scene, there are alot of screwed up blokes out there, players and just plain ol' tossers.
The fact your doing the running means something aint right, keeping you at arms length means he isn't emotionally available and the fact he is still 'chatting' to women, he met on dating sites, tells me he isn't even prepared to settle with one girl.
I know you think he's the bee's knees, and your falling in love with him, but why? if a 3 month relationship is causing you this much grief when you apart, is it worth it, you should be giddy with him and away from him, and you may think that that doesn't happen to women of your age, thats what i thought to, but it does, coz I finally met one.
As Maverick said, You could lose the potential love of your life, i personal believe your wasting your time with this bloke. He aint ready for anyone.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hard one. I am not telepathic either so I have no idea what's going on in that head of his.
But if he's been in the military that long chances are he's had his share of combat and with it plenty of memories he would love to forget. Traumatized people have a tendency to shelter themselves from the world, hoping that will protect them from (emotional) pain. He might not be ready to open up to you.
That said, the dating site thing is a red flag, especially since there's no way to judge his statements as all of them are vague and impossible to check up on. He's hiding something, for better or for worse and I would talk to him about it because no matter how smitten you are with him or how angry and hurt he gets because of that.
You deserve to know where you stand because otherwise you have the potential to miss partners who will devote their loyalty and honesty to you.
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