A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. He is very nice and I'm beginning to have deep feelings for him. The problem is, I don't know if he feels the same. He told me that in the past, he has had a tendency to get very involved very quickly. The last relationship before me--he dated her 3 months total and she had moved in with him! He hasn't even told me how he feels about me. What bothers me most is this: we did have sex a few times, but now he isn't interested in that happening any more. He said that sex can ruin things because sometimes the relationship becomes all about that. He does kiss me and hold my hand--so I can assume that he feels an attachment more than just friends. The no sex thing just confuses me. It is hard for me not to think that maybe the sex was bad for him when we had it--or maybe I didn't look good enough once he saw me. He regularly texts--and sometimes calls--but we only see each other on Friday and Saturdays. What do you think? I just feel like I want more. I want to know that I'm more than just someone he's dating till someone better comes along. He must not have feelings for me as strong as he has had for the others he got quickly involved with.
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male
reader, Candleman +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Unless the guy got hurt really bad or it was not long ago he got out of the last relationship, then it just seems like the fire is not there for this one.
What kind of kisses are they? How often do you hold hands? Have these decreased since you had sex and stopped?
You need to open up to the guy and ask the uncomfortable questions.
Also...Did he perform bad with sex? Did he have sexual problems in the past?
Do you see each other every weekend? Did he call you more prior to having sex?
Answer these questions and be honest to yourself if the answers point to the fact that the guy just doesn't have it for you. Someone else will.
Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I think you missed the point of what he was trying to say and thus wrapped the situation about yourself when in fact it is not about you...or well it is but not to the extent to which you believe. He's generally told you the answers you seek.
If you two were having sex at first, I'm sure he has felt that maybe it was moving too fast. Judging from what he has told you, fast relationships usually means it ends bad. Technically they do but not all. But at his age I am sure he has had enough of it and now wants something longer lasting and much more meaningful. Thus he is trying to move slower but still keep a romantic factor to it. I say that because he has only done good things so far. He calls you, he txts you, he tries to see you on Friday and Saturday. he kisses you and holds your hand. He has not expressed his feelings but maybe he needs things to develop more in order to express them. What about you? What are your feelings for him? Have you told him?
He said sex can ruin things because sometimes the relationship can become all about that. This seems to be the case since in fact you are not getting any sex and the relationship has become something he didn't intend it to be. But I do understand what you feel like. You should talk to him and tell him that it is true that the relationship does not have to be about sex but a part of the relationship IS sex so it is ok to have it! It is not something he should be afraid of and maybe you both can work to setting the perfect night to have the perfect mood, and even then the sex will be explosive. On a lovely night you should express your feelings as well and ask him his.
Either way, good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): It sounds to me like he's learnt from mistakes he's made in the past by moving too fast in relationships. He seems to be taking things extra slow and cautiously but will probably soon find the middle ground between extremely slow and extremely fast. When you did have sex, maybe he felt himself slipping into the moving-too-fast frame of mind again and wanted to really pull back. He contacts you regularly, sees you Friday and Saturdays (the usualy date nights if he was seeing someone else), so I think he really likes you. If you were just someone he was dating till someone better came along, then he wouldn't care about taking things slow and really getting to know you, he'd just be wanting to sleep with you or he wouldn't be contacting you much. He said he thinks sex can ruin things if it becomes the most important thing in the relationship, so that means he wants to get to know you properly and build a solid foundation for a relationship before sex becomes involved. Sounds like a great guy who thinks you could become an important part of his life!
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