A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've recently met a guy and we hit it off, so have planned a few dates over the next few weeks. We have been texting daily and getting to know each other better, and today he told me that he has a son. Now I have never dated anyone with a child before, and I must say I was a little surprised because he is only 27 and didnt seem the sort of person that would get a girl knocked up at a young age. I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment, obviously I dont know him well enough to really judge or make a call on this. On the one hand I never wanted to date anyone with that much baggage, I definitely dont fancy any drama with the child's mother (but then again I havent asked how their relationship is, could be fine!). But on the other hand it doesnt bother me that much, it is just his child and there is no reason why I should think badly of him for having a child. Does anyone else have any experience of dating people with children from previous relationships? Does it cause loads of problems? Or is it ok? It is difficult when we havent spent much time together yet so I dont want to judge too quickly, but I also dont want to get too involved if there is going to be a lot of drama. I dont really know what to think at the moment so any advice would be fantastic!
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Hello,
Thank you for follow up. Yes, he has the child evry weekend which is good. However, just remember that when you are dating or getting serious he will always have the child at the weekend. You will not have the "freedom" that newly dating couples can have. nights out at the weekend or overnight breaks could be hindered. That's all, not a criticism, just a little bit more advice. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, seems there are a few varied opinions!
The reason I am thinking about this so early on is because I dont want to get too involved if I'm not comfortable with the child situation, it wouldnt be fair on him so I want to make sure early on I am comfortable with this. I know it may seem like I'm getting ahead of myself, but I dont want to waste anyone's time and try and prevent any hurt.
I am still on the fence about the issue, I dont really mind that he has a child - but I did find out the boy is 6, which means he had him aged 21 which concerns me a bit! I havent asked about his ex (seems too soon for that conversation!) but he has the child every weekend so he at least has good access to him and sees him frequently which means they must be on reasonably good terms.
I will wait and see how it goes, hopefully just through conversation I will find out more about the ex, the fact they were so young when they had the child does worry me but I will put that aside for now and keep an open mind!
Thanks again for the help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): I think you are wise to be giving this some thought now, rather than later.
The first thing to understand is that you will not be his Number One priority. His son will be. Being a father, means he comes with certain responsibilities. That will require you to be understanding and accepting. If you don't understand why his child should come first or accept that fact. Then don't date him because there won't be a happy ending.
The relationship he has with his ex partner is a very important factor. So try and find out what sort of relationship they have. A good one, might mean he and his ex are friendly to a degree. They are respectful to each other, do not interfere in each others lives, keep contact with each other to an acceptable level. The contact is about their child and you are 'accepted' by his ex partner.
Anything less than the above and you might have a problem. Some ex couples who share children can be quite a challenge if one or both of them haven't 'moved' on. The poor kids unwittingly bind the parents together in an endless round of fights and recriminations and it is sometimes very difficult for those parents to ever move on properly. I sincerely hope that is not the case with your new boyfriend.
Listen to how he speaks about his ex. If he is polite about her and doesn't mention her very often. That is a good sign! If he talks about her incessantly, seems bitter, makes disparaging remarks about her, calls her rude names or the classic...says she is crazy. Then there are problems. If that is the case, you will be better off ending things before you find yourself turning into a fight referee and counsellor. I've been there and its no fun for the children or a new partner.
I feel bad for mentioning negatives when you are just starting out dating. It should be a fun time for you but it is better if you 'know the score' before you become too involved.
When i was young my boyfriends were all childless and i married a man with no previous children. When i found myself single in later life and met a separated father of 4, i was pretty clueless! All the signs were there that things were bad between him and his ex but i was totally unaware. Had i known what i was letting myself in for i would have run for the hills without a doubt. The kids were great but their parents were horrendous to each other and by association, the children and i suffered. So worry less about the child because any child is a gift and i am sure you will love having him around. Just concentrate on how the parents interact. They will determine what level of happiness you can expect to derive from dating this man. All the best.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (14 July 2011):
hi i don,t think it really matters that much to be honest i mean why is it any different for a woman to be with a man when he has a child or a man to be with a woman when she has a child
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): It's what ever you feel. I was seeing a man for 3 years who had a young child, and my life became a living hell!
The baby mama was crazy and made sure she made her problems. I always got the " what do you expect me too do,she's the mother of my child" speech from my ex. Which ultimately drove me too the brink of a nervous break down because if i ever wanted too say something, i wasn't allowed just too "keep the peace". Its not easy. But not every man is in the same situation.
I suggest you find out more about his background e.g if hes on good terms with his ex, how often does he get too see his son... if something doesn't add up or you feel in your gut its not right.RUN. Because if you leave it, you'll only ever be seen and not heard. obviously talking from experience lol Good Luck Hun x
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (14 July 2011):
Hello,
Putting aside all the positives about the guy, if it bugs you that he or any future date may have children, then you need to accept this. It is how you feel. While things are at the initial stage, think through this. I fully appreciate that people have pasts and he may well be a great guy and there are fantastic single mums and single dads out there. (I have been a single mum.) But, if it is not for you, then you must find this out for yourself. Start slowly and take a week by week approach. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Lizzy111 +, writes (14 July 2011):
You are not over thinking this- I was in such a relationship and baby's mama made sure to create living hell. Mind you they were fine until the moment I entered his life in fact they were friendly(she had left him) the moment she found out he met someone the hell broke loose, she went as far as proposing to save marriage and thats 2 years after with her being with someone else in that moment---- now I stay as far as possible away from any persons that have children but thats just my experience .... On another hand I have heard a lot of good stories also where everyone is civilized and nice to each other. Which category this will fall no-one knows...One thing you do need to realize you will step in a relationship not with one person but 3...success!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): I am a 21 year old women and I have been dating this gorgeous 23 year old guy. He also has a kid.
When I found out that he had a kid, we had been on about 5 dates. It took me a few days to get over it, but I managed it and Im so glad I did because if I didnt, I would of missed out on a whole lot of things that made my life happier/better to be honest.
In my case, there wasnt ANY trouble with the mother. Before we had been dating, he and the mother to his child had agreed that he had the baby girl Monday, Tuesday and Saturday, and she had her the other days. This worked well and me and the mother became friends.
Dont let what you have with this guy fall through your fingers! He could make this the best time of your life! Dont worry abiut the mother of his child! She will be fine, and im sure she would like her daughter to see her father (your date) happy!
Hope I helped you abit/alot! Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 I think you are way ahead of yourself here, you hardly know this guy and you are already away ahead thinking about things like this and even though you say you don't want to judge that is what you are doing. Any questions that you have well then ask him. He was honest with you and told you straight away that he has a son. Which is a good sign. It really is your choice to make if you want to get involved or not. But instead of worrying about the future problems just take a day at a time and get to know him as a person. Ask him about his son and anything you need to know just so you feel better. Just because he has a child doesn't change who he is and we all have a past.
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