A
female
age
30-35,
*lower89
writes:I have really bad trust issues and don't know how to get over them.I met my partner just over two years ago he's in his 40s,supportive, caring, works hard, there is a 18 years age gap between us am younger so tbh great at helping sort problems out and giving advice and shows in many ways he loves me. Not just that he is amazing with my kid.There is my problem, my ex. I had a kid from a previous relationship and her Dad cheated on me and treated me like dirt tbh. I was young and naive though. My ex didn't want to be in my daughters life so he has been out my life for a good few years nowSo it wasn't yesterday, but still I give my current partner such a hard time and I'm wondering if he will cheat and things like he can't really want me ect ect. I even ended things with my partner as a way of if he doesn't really want me here's his pass to go but he didn't he wanted to speak to me about what's going on. Guess being a mature stable adult that's how he was going to handle it.I know really he is a good man and there's nothing that he's done for me to think he would hurt me. The worst thing I'd say is he said a TV star is hot Infront of me when wee were watching TV. Then looked over at me and said that hurts u, okay am sorry. That's how pathetic and insecure I can be with this. So I know this is my issue I have to get over. If I don't get over these issues. I might loose him. He does so much right and doesn't deserve the hard time I give him.Has anyone been here and been what I have with a ex then found a good person. How did u relax and just accept that this time things are okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2021): One of the things you have to overcome is the belief you don't deserve to be loved. You self-sabotage with distrust, because you allowed your ex to be your everything. Idolizing and making a man (or any human) the center of your universe, will surely destroy you when he disappoints you. When he cheated, it's only natural to be totally infuriated and humiliated; not to mention feel betrayed for all you've invested in him. You worshiped the ground he walked on; and when he cheated, you felt totally rejected and dejected. He left you cold, because he was always the wrong-guy. You insisted on keeping him at any cost. Everything rode on your keeping him, even when you knew he was a rotten no-good cheat.
You don't even have to tell the full backstory; because they story is usually the same, or similar. First true-love, you forgave his every evil, you defied and ignored all the red-flags and warnings. You hoped he'd change, or you'd change him. You saw many signs, but your mission was to keep him; until he did everything he could to getaway from you. Why did he reject his daughter? Was she supposed to be the means to trap him?
Your self-esteem plummeted, and you forfeited all your self-worth. You tied all that you were worth to him. Then he betrayed you, and you've become a self-pitying martyr. All because, if he didn't want you anymore, you're not worth loving. That's not true. That's a big fat lie! Shake him loose!!!
You are overcome with your bitterness and resentment; and you can't move-on past your scorn. Maybe because you want him to apologize, and make it all up to you. He totally rejected you and your daughter; and you're stuck full of scornful-vengeance. You can't get back at him, and you can't get him back; so a new man has come into your life dealing with all the damage he left behind. You can't get even with your ex; but you'll make this man suffer for what the other guy did to you. That's not fair!!! Not fair at all! Even worse, the relationship is all about your pain; and what happened to you. Now he has been assigned the task of making up for what that other guy did to you. You refuse to trust anybody; because you can't let-go of your ex! He took everything when he left; because his validation was everything to you.
Only God in heaven deserves that kind of devotion. God saw your suffering; and sent someone to ease the pain, and help you to grow. Instead of being thankful, you're spitting in God's face, and scorning the blessing you've received by withholding trust! One man doesn't represent all men!!! Guess what Missy, it's not all about you and how messed-up you are behind some no-good man! Somebody you decided to worship even above God Himself! As merciful and loving as God is, He sent you and your daughter somebody levelheaded, and kind. Mature enough to put-up with your carryover baggage and self-pity. Patient enough to be understanding of your cautiousness.
Well if the cost of your trust is misery, and requires a constant burden of reassurance; God will remove the blessing, and allow you to be alone until you get-over yourself. Learn to love a man, but be aware of human weaknesses. If God couldn't deal with our faults and weaknesses, the earth would be a cold and desolate like all the other planets. Void of human-life, because He's had enough of our mess! The ex is gone, now delete his memory. Move forward and press on! You are starting a new chapter in your life. Keep things in perspective. You have another blessing! That beautiful child you gave birth to! She deserves to be set a good example.
Here's how you'll move-on. Forgive your ex for what he did. Put it all in the past. Stop resenting your daughter who is a reminder of who her father was and what he did to you. Someone has come into her life, to give her at least a temporary idea of what a father should be. You're busy at work dramatizing your past. Putting-up shields, and wallowing in self-pity; because some jerk boyfriend decided he wanted to boink some other female. Forgive him, and you'll be set free. Get on your knees, and ask God to forgive you for your ungratefulness. Ask Him to help you to move on and move forward; and thank Him for the patience that new guy in your life has shown you.
Your ex is gone. Stop holding-on to him. Let-go of your resentment, and believe with all your heart that you do deserve love. It is possible for someone other than your ex can care about you! Your ex has too much power over your feelings. He stole your ability to trust, and took-away your identity as a person. Now you're nothing but a victim. Jealous and bitter. Too mean to allow a nice-guy to try and show you he cares about you; because your life still revolves around your ex, and you're stuck in the past.
Girlfriend, the past is over and gone. Your ex is over and gone. Yes, he had sex with another woman, maybe even a lot of other women. God snatched him out of your life, and sent somebody else. The last time God took someone away was because that person was bad for you. Now He has replaced Him with someone better. If you can't find it in yourself to trust; then God will spare this man the misery and take him out of your life. Your daughter is doing better than you. She is opening her heart, and the new guy is doing all he can to earn your trust. He is human, like you are. He is capable of making mistakes. Like you are! Your daughter is the child in this story, not you! Stop being a victim! You're not the first female on the planet who was cheated on. I said you resent your daughter. You're denying her any possibility of happiness by keeping her father as a bad-memory; and poisoning both your lives with what he did to you!
I will give it to you straight, and I'm not going to dance around it! Get on your knees and talk to God about it. Then open your heart to a guy who is good to you. If he also does something wrong, God-forbid; and should also break your heart. God will replace him too!
Maybe I took a stretch, and I don't know all the details; but it takes tough-love to penetrate emotions, and soothe a broken spirit. Bitterness and distrust does not go-away overnight. Building trust and making yourself vulnerable is a tough thing to do. If someone is going out of their way to earn it, and you'll still deny it; then you need to stop dating, until you resolve your trust-issues. First you have to get-over the poison still left in your system injected by your ex. Enough is enough!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 February 2021):
 If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you. I suspect a major part of your problem is that you don't believe you are worthy of what you currently have. Your ex's behaviour towards you probably ruined your self esteem and you now (albeit subconsciously) believe the way he treated you was what you deserved. You can't believe someone could love you wholeheartedly and treat you well.
By your own admission, you were young and naive when you were with your ex. Alarm bells probably should have sounded well before you had your daughter. You are now a lot older and, due to experience, more watchful and more cynical. You know, deep down, this lovely man is not going to treat you the way your ex did. You are just afraid to trust your judgement because, when you were younger and lacking in experience, you made a bad choice. We all learn from our mistakes. Forgive yourself for a choice you made before you knew better and trust your gut instinct.
To give this relationship the best chance of surviving, you need to get past getting upset by silly things like your partner admitting he finds a complete stranger on the tv attractive. Just because we love someone does not make us blind to the attraction of others. It does not mean he wants to cheat on you or that he finds you any the less attractive. Don't make him tread on eggshells in your presence. He does not deserve to live like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 February 2021):
 I have to agree with Kenny.
It is absolutely unfair of you to "blame" issues that a former partner mistreated you. It's not your NEW partner's fault. You can't hold HIM responsible for things another person did. It's illogical.
While I GET it. Being cheated on leave a "scar", it makes you more cautious and less trusting - I totally get that. But is that always a BAD thing? I'd say no, UNLESS you make the new beau "pay for the sins" of an ex. Then it's not good.
WORK on YOUR issues. Think before you speak or accuse. Learn to THINK before you act too.
I'd say it's OK to be slower to trust now. But that doesn't mean you can't work on being better at it. Being better at evaluating the person in front of you. And the person in the mirror.
If you KNOW you are being unfair you need to take some self-control here and responsibility for YOUR words and actions. A "sorry" goes only so fast with even the most patient person. At some point they will say, "you know what? Enough. I'm done." And THAT will be your doing.
You can't RIGHT what someone did to you in the past. It's done. But you CAN work on treating your partner with the love and respect AND trust he deserves.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 February 2021):
 I think if your having trust issue's with your new relationship due to something that occurred in a previous relationship then maybe your not quite ready to be embarking on this new romance.
I always say that trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together. Without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
I think you maybe need to take a step back from this relationship and work on yourself and your insecurities, then when you feel ready then start dating again.
Yes you had a bad experience, but I think its so important to heal yourself from this and leave the past in the past and accept the fact that there are good people our there that are not unfaithful cheaters.
To start with, the greatest love you can ever have all starts with loving yourself, and abolishing those insecurities. Only until you do this will subsequent relationship materialise into something loving and meaningful.
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