A
male
age
41-50,
*NIC
writes:I'm dating a fantastic girl right now. We've been good friends for years, we absolutely head over heels for each other, sex life is great, etc. etc. There's just one thing that's causing me a bit of a hangup: she's the ex of a really good friend of mine.I was friends with both of them while they were together. They were a couple for a few years, lived together and all of that. And while they were together, I hung out with them and other mutual friends. By default and being friends, I got to see them together, see how they were together, and even got to hear some of the details of their relationship (including some bedroom stuff). The type of things that are great as idle gossip and things that don't really bother you when you're friends with someone.Well, their relationship crumbled about a year and a half ago, and the one I was in at the time recently fell apart too. I helped her through her relationship problems and breakup and she did for mine, and in the process, we became even better friends and closer to each other. Now, after some time, we've decided to date and are having the time of our lives.But I've found myself in a bit of a 'Chasing Amy' setting lately. The things I know she did with her ex, things I didn't care about when we were all a group of friends, are now starting to bug me. In particular, the details of their sex life that were just idle gossip before are now playing like a movie in my head. We can have fantastic, mind-blowing sex, and I inevitably think in my head, "And that used to be him. She did that for him." or something like that.Now before anyone starts asking, "Well what about YOUR past?" My past is nothing to speak of. My ex-gf hated sex with a passion and it resulted in basically a relationship without it. Most of my experience (including my first time) has been with my current gf, my friend's ex. So a lot of things that are "first times" for me are things she's "been there and done that" with him, which doesn't help me at all.AND I KNOW IT'S STUPID! I know this is silly, I know it's destructive, I know I need to stop. I know for a fact I treat her better than he did, I know she's happier with me, I know she's not looking anywhere else, and I know we're fine. But I'm having the hardest time trying to get those mental images out of my mind.I think if he were just an ex - a nameless, faceless person I wouldn't know if I ran into him on the street - I'd be ok. But with this guy, I was friends with them, I watched them be together for a few years, and I know waaay more than I wish I did now.And there's nothing more I'd like to do than to just forget all of this and not let it bother me, but try as I might, I just keep going back to it.Anyone out there been through this before, or know some methods of getting past this?
View related questions:
her ex, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 Well, you should knew that you shouldn't have gone there but you went there! AND now, you are both in love! That's really what you should be concentrating on, now that you are committed to each other.
The history is NEVER going to change, so you have to realize that and practice some mental exercises, like mentally slapping yourself when you go there. Or snapping an elastic on your wrist when your mind starts into negative images. On the other hand, you ALSO are going to have people teasing or bringing it up, so you are going to have to come to terms with the choice that you both made and laugh it off. I have always told my kids to date perfect strangers, because I know what you are going through is hard and has a lot more that is involved (and because I went there once...). Most people have Ex's, just simply not close ones! There are a lot of guys who write in to us after they find out that their ex has not been a virgin, or has slept with more guys than he thought, so I'm afraid the green eyed monster is a common theme, and a downside to human nature. It's something that we all have to fight with on occasion. But we ALL DO have it within us to practice mental discipline, so you HAVE to simply deal with it, and grow a sense of humor about the past, because it simply won't change. So you have to.
The present is what's important, and it does truly sound like you both made a wonderful choice, it sound like an ideal relationship. Don't let the past spoil it for you. If she wonders why you are wearing an elastic around your wrist while making love, I wouldn't tell her. This is not her problem to deal with, it's yours, and making her a party to it will only make her feel guilty. About what? The past? It's Nothing! It's gone! Involving her will only cause MORE problems between you, not clear this up for you. Concentrate on what a good thing you have together and CLEARLY how TRULY lucky you are to have finally found each other.
|
