A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There are a lot of questions on this site from guys who couldn't deal with their girlfriend's pasts. I'd like to know what it is like for the girl that has had a boyfriend or husband like this.What happened in your case? Did he ever get over it? Did he end up leaving you? or Did you leave him? or Are you still together? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 Being a guy, I can't answer your question. But I'd like to thank the previous poster; your comments are insightful and helpful. Despite overcoming these issues myself, it is always possible to slip back into that way of thinking (and feeling), this is something I think that can never be truly removed, only reduced.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Often times this is coined Retroactive Jealousy. Really, the issue here though is something called Madonna/Whore Complex. Its a bit more in depth of the root cause of the problems that most all men face with this issue of their womans past.
Basically, they put women into two categories - Madonna or Whore. Often times the man truly loves this woman, but has no idea of what is going on. He will usually flip flop between you being the Madonna or the whore. He wont understand what category you fit into, and it will be a constant battle. Or, he will see you as a whore, but does not want that because he loves you and wants to marry you, spend his life with you, but he cant devote himself to a whore so he will constantly be moving you between the two categories... All the while never realizing what is going on.
Often times, men who have this issue who end up marrying a woman with a pure past will lose sexual interest in them as they will see the woman as their mother. Or, often times men who have this issue who marry a woman with a past they can not accept will lead to continual mental battles, fights, and arguments as they try to remove you from that category. Unfortunately either way you will have problems.
This issue can be resolved, though it takes a long time, a lot of work, and a lot of dedication and understanding. Your sexuality and your past are you life decisions and your life choices, and no one has the right to deem you as a whore or slut for being a sexual creature. Many times the man separates sex from love, and a woman being loving and compassionate from being a healthy sexual creature. Really they are one in the same, but to him its either or, you cant possibly be both.
When a man thinks of his mother he thinks of the unconditional love, the love that she provided, never how he came about, or that it took their mothers being a sexual animal to create them. Likewise, when they picture a wife, it generally is that of their image of their mother, and not a real sexual being. The line between wife and mother is blurred so much that to most men they will think this notion is ludicrous.
The truth is, no one will love them like their mother, no one will have the unconditional love for them that their mother has, it is the nature of life. Your wife is not there to take the place of your mother. She is there to support you, and to experience life with you. But unlike your mother that love can be broken. Often the thought of this fears men, because they fear that they are inadequate in comparisons. How can you love me if you loved someone else, or have slept with someone else?
This can be fixed, but the man must realize where his mind is, what he is unrealistically expecting, and what a wife/mother/ and lover is really about. He will need to disassociate his wife from his mother, and accept them both for being sexual creatures. That their love is limited, and the physical bond is simply natural in all humans.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I did something wrong 20 years ago and my husband could never come to terms with what I did although I felt it was justifiable at the time and we discussed the issue in excess of 200 times. Everytime anything happened that he didn't like this subject was raised yet again. It got so that i no longer felt sorry for what i'd done and just felt enormously irritated that all he ever did was harp on back to it. In the end he left as he could never accept it. This was after 15 yeats so in his case he could never cope with it or forget. I personally had apologized until I was blue in the face, gone over the reasons in great depth literally hundreds of times, explained that other peope would have done the same thing as me etc etc but he would never see it like this. He even cited the issue when he filed for divorce. The problem is when something becomes so large to another party nothing you can do or say will ever make them see it differently and in the end you begin to feel no guilt or sorrow, all you do is sit there thinking here we go he's going to raise this subject yet again.
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A
female
reader, agony aunt floss  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 Dear anonymous, Recently i've been dating my ex's best mate it was very hard for my boyfriend to come to terms with it, so in the end he got very jelous and we broke up if you need any other advice or want to know more dont hesatate to mailbox me.Agony Aunt Floss.
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