A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I after having been going on / off about ten times have decided to take a three month NC break to see if the issues that were facing us around both our sets of kids, her insecurities with family and friends knowing how we met ( we had an affair whilst we were both in long term relationships) and my fear of being alone and being lonely (driven by a lack of confidence that I can meet nice woman)So I have been very strong and havent been drunk dialing her or still trying to contact her or anything and she hasnt tried to contact me either. Its been about a month but I havent had sex with her for about 2 months because of the on /off issues we were having.I've been reading lots of books about relationships that avocate dating whilst in this period of NC to get more confidence and to feel good about your self again. So I tried putting up a ad on a internet site and have one nice sounding woman has agreed to meet me for coffee next week. I feel like I'm 1. cheating again on the person who I was seeing and I never want to do that again and 2. Feel like its too soon to be trying for a relationship - this woman whats a long term relationship possibly and I dont know if I want that yet or ever at this stage.So should I date her and just try to be friendly and build confidence within myself and not worry about any issues? Should I tell my break partner? Or should I call the whole thing off and go back to sitting in my room all the time?
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affair, confidence, drunk, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Hi. Even though it's fairly agonizing waiting and not knowing what the outcome is going to be, at the moment it's what is needed.
You might be fairly sure about your feelings, but it's no good if she doesn't feel the same confidence.
As difficult as it's going to be, you are going to have to be patient and just give her all the time she needs to sort herself out.
Until she is clear on this, you can't plan for a future with her just yet.
You are both only young - in your 30's - so there's no particular rush right now.
It might only be a few weeks or a month or two. However, you can't force it to happen any sooner than it's meant to.
Everything in good time.
Don't be too concerned about what your families are going to think about you being together. It's your lives - not theirs. The final decision regards your relationship status and future, is going to be up to you and her only. And no-one else.
Just give her all the time she needs for now, and try to distract yourself from negative feelings as much as possible. Keep in touch with your friends, and try to make your life as interesting as it can be.
Just give her space - which means NO contact. It really seems that it's what she needs now more than anything else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're so right Dorothy - trust issues are there and have raised there heads twicec - but I think both of us are realists and know that it actually takes for someone to be very unhappy in the present relationship before they consider having an affair due to the social stigma and effects on kids, finances, the other person a raft of things. Studies have shown that if you dont leave the other person with the first three months then its unlikely they will leave the original partnership. I split with my partner in 3 weeks after just kissing the new woman (no sex for 4 weeks) and she left after 4 weeks without me asking her. I just think we were the right people at the right time to instigate change in both our lives.
We need to have a break to get rid of some of the baggage we are carrying around from the marriage. As you say there is a chance that this can work - If she doesnt get her head in the right place then there is no hope - I'm seeing things from her perspective more and more as we spend time apart and she's in a aweful spot - I just need to keep calm and repect her need for alone time to sort things out. I love her to bits and want her to be happy with or without me so its just a waiting time and seeing what happens I guess - as I said I like to act not very patient....
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 But have you told your previous girlfriend what's going on? You have already done something slightly unethical. She should be told about what you were planning on doing. She won't be angry, and she should know.
Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make. And enjoy the rest of your life.
Remember, eventually you will be rewarded for doing something honest. It's called good karma.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 July 2011):
Hello again. As you both have some emotional baggage from your marriages, it's a good idea to clean all that mess up first, as there might still be some unfinished business.
And if that unfinished business you both have can be sorted out amicably, well then you are ready to move on in a relationship with each other.
If sounds like "closure" on those two marriages is what is really needed here.
I forgot to mention this before, but I believe part of the problem you are both having is trust issues.
You mentioned in your initial question, that how you met each other in the first place, was by having an affair.
This is the reason I say there is most likely some trust issues between you.
When two people meet by having an affair, it means they have cheated on their spouses.
So now what is happening is you are both wondering whether one of you - or even both of you - would ever cheat on each other again in future! Can you see that?
Although you might never discuss it with each other, at some level it's what you are both thinking. It's inevitable. So that puts doubt into your heads each time the other one has to go out somewhere without you.
It's perfectly natural to feel that way under the circumstances, don't you think?
And I believe this is the biggest challenge you both face, if you ever do decide to make it a permanent arrangement - such as marriage.
Because there is some doubt about faithfulness in future and a possible affair - by one of you - it's going to be difficult to gain that trust back.
If you can get over this obstacle in time, well then you could have a chance of a successful and happy marriage, somewhere down the track. It is going to take some work though, and it might not be easy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Bruce and others,I've read your advice and just sent the new woman who I'm supposed to be meeting a email explaining the situation and that I'm on a break etc and that I dont feel right that we meet with a view to forming a relationship at this time.I still dont feel particularly happy because the break really wasn't my idea and I feel like I've taking the brunt of the enforced time off - no sex, no companionship, no chance to meet others.... its frustrating - I'm the sort of person that likes to fix things and usually jumps right in to do so.But I also need to be by myself and fix up my unhappiness within myself for being alone and just try new things and meeting new different people which I'm starting to do.Thanks for your replies
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 have not read the other answers yet...sorry if this is redundant but the answer is muddled.
In order to DATE during a break you would have needed to negotiate those rules before the break.
My bf and I planned to take a break after a huge fight we had. we talked on the phone and set out guidelines about what was acceptable... friends was fine but no sexual contact was permitted..... it never was an issue as our break lasted about a week...
so you either need to err on the side of caution or you need to contact the GF and set rules now...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): There are two kinds of breaks, those that allow seeing other people and those that do not. If your partner is seeing other people then you should definitely do it too (And if she is "seeing" other people then don't kid yourself - she's probably screwing them too.)
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (3 July 2011):
if you are going to get back together with the person you are having a break from i wouldnt suggest meeting anyone else especially as you both have issues with each other and if she finds out you met with somebody else she will probably think you are cheating even though you are not together personally i think 3 months is a long time to have a break from each other a as a lot can happen in 3 months good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy,
Really nice well thought response - there is no contact with her and frankly I'm bored with being by myself already - that probably indicates that Im very needy for human interaction, but also that I need constant stimulation to be mentally challenged.
We have talked about a long term relationship at length and thats really what has prompted us to take a break now rather than keep trying to fix up the emotional baggage we had from our marriages and how we met, which we are both not that happy about.
I'm starting to agree three months is not enough time to fix things emotionally for us - If she wanted me back at some point I have a feeling she was very nearly perfect for me - but maybe I wasnt perfect for her - she said I was but her actions werent following that up.
This new woman has at least shown that there are people interested enough in based on a photo and a brief description - people can be so superficial though.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (3 July 2011):
I think you should NOT be dating someone else during the break. If you want to date someone else, you should break all ties with this woman you were with.An ageement is an agreement. It is pointless having an agreement or understanding with someone, and then doing something behind their back which is wrong.I suggest you give your previous girlfriend a phone call and tell her about this new woman. She is entitled to know where she stands.Would you like it if your previous girlfriend did something behind your back?Think about it. There is a thing in life called "integrity".That's just what I think.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 July 2011):
Hi there. I'm not altogether convinced that problems you both have are going to be sorted while you are apart.
During this time, there's assumably no contact whatsoever.
While you are having a break, you are not together are you? So you are both free agents. Even though it's only for 3 months.
Because it's only a recent break, it's probably wise to use that time to work out what it is that you do want from a relationship. What you want and what you don't want.
A break is a perfect time to do that. However, you can't think about that if you are with someone else during that time.
Is there really any necessity to go straight into yet another relationship so soon? Are you thinking - "Someone is better than no-one?" It does sound like it.
If you do meet up with this lady for coffee, you are coming into a new friendship with a lot of emotional baggage, have you thought of that?
Because of this, it won't even get to first base.
It's way too soon.
There is still so much unfinished business with the first relationship. It will get in the way.
No-one can decide for you about this, but you need to sort out in your mind what you really want to do about the first relationship in the long term.
(1) Are you intending to move on towards marriage at some stage with the first woman?
(2) Have you and her ever discussed this? If not, you at least need to have a serious think about it, before even considering moving on to a new relationship of any kind.
Without having some clarity regards the future, you can't move forward in any direction.
For now though, if you want to meet this other woman for coffee, it would be wise to keep it light and friendly - which means no sex. If she is upfront and honest with you about what she wants, right from the beginning, well then that might help you to make some kind of decision yourself.
But please don't lead her on to thinking she has some kind of future with you, if that's not what you want at the moment. You need to be very honest with her and with yourself.
If it goes ok, just be friends and go from there. But don't rush for it to become more, too soon.
If you decide to see her again, well over time, it can help you make some comparisons between the two women. It could also help you to see things more clearly.
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