A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I've been with my guy almost 2 years, and things have been pretty smooth. No arguments, though some disagreements. He's my 1st guy, I'm his 4th girl. "Jack" is a nice guy to everyone he meets. Guys or girls, he would give them the shirt off his back if they needed it more. Jack has a lot of girl friends, and I've told him it makes me uneasy when he goes out alone with them. I've learned to cap my frustration and just trust him as he makes no offer to stop. Jack has also forgotten my birthday and didn't attempt to make it special. He felt bad 5 months later when I told him I was hurt. We went out that day in very late celebration, but I ended up paying my way anyway. Jack never buys me flowers or gifts, and I'm trying my best to be okay without the special treatment. He treats me more like a good friend he sleeps with, if that makes any sense. He dosen't treat me on a more intimate level than any of his friends, and I have told my father this. We are very close. Dad says that he should be putting me in a special place if he truly loved me. That means no more going out with girl friends, and making an attempt to gift and call me, no matter how simple. Is he right? Should I be wary?Look, all I want is some sign that Jack sees me on a level of love and specialness, not just as a good friend. Small gifts, phone calls to say hello, and special days remembered reflect that. He's not a bad guy, but maybe he just doesn't see me the same way I see him. I've gifted him, treated him very well sexually, and have confessed my love weekly. He's very sparing with this "love talk".Jack is independent and treats me to dinners and is also a excellent cook. He is helpful, but so is he to everyone. He strives to be fair with me sexually, and says he enjoys being with me because I like to try new things. He is closed to me about his hopes/dreams/fears, though, and makes little to no attempt to connect with me emotionally. Should I worry? Is dad right? Or is dad from a different era with different standards in love?What I fear is loving someone when they don't really love me back, and being taken for a ride. I hope this isn't the case. Thanks for your insight, everyone.
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): "Dad says that he should be putting me in a special place if he truly loved me."Damn straight advice.I'm not only a dad of three younger girls, but I'm a married man with a wife who I put in a special place that nobody else ever occupies or ever occupied."Jack has also forgotten my birthday and didn't attempt to make it special."This is just callous indifference...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 I think your dad is right and I don't even think he wants
you to be put on a pedestal and showered daily with flowers gifts and compliments,just treated like Jack's significant other and not just one of Jack's good friend with whom ,btw,he also happens to have sex .
Of course Jack is kind and all in all nice to you, don't tell me you would expect,or accept, less than friendliness and common courtesy ! But a significant other is ...well, significant. Her birthday is relevant, making her happy is relevant, telling her you love her is relevant. She is supposed to feel more important than a regular friend, ...do you ?
This has got nothing to do with generational gap or old standards, how old can your dad be ?! This is more about setting your standards and deciding how you want to be treated within your relationships,...and probably your dad thinks you are settling for too little.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 He needs to strike a happy medium. Bringing you out to dinner on your birthday is the minimum any boyfriend should do. It is a typical thing for a guy to forget birthdays. Hallmark and bluemountain were created for women. Guys will be happy when they receive cards, but they write cards to women and they do that as an obligation. Yesterday I asked my boyfriend when his mom's birthday is. He said, "Eh, (long pause) in the summer. Eh, my aunt visited her so I think it's August." I had to remind him where we had dinner together, then he said oh yes, maybe that's why aunt Gail came visit.
He remembers my birthday though. He marked it on the calendar but I still have to remind him daily the week before. Have you noticed that some women start their sentences with "On my birthday . . . (I am going to do this or that)" then few minutes later, "on my birthday . . . (It's going to be great). Repeat a few more times. As if it takes that much to not forget someone's birthday.
I honestly don't know why some guys act like typical guys and some are like romantic goof balls. Does that have to do with testosterone levels? Odds is right. I have been here for a long time and I see a pattern that whenever a guy treats a girl like a queen, the girl cheats on him.
For this Christmas, tell your boyfriend what kind of present you want. The rest is up to him, like the package and how he delivers it. The fact that he chose you as girlfriend over the others shows that you are special to him. You can just take the initiative to tell him how special this relationship is. The more you say it, the more both of you would come to believe it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Not everybody shows their love in the form of flowers, gifts and phone calls just to say "hello". Its just not in everybody's personality to be like that. Is he expressing his love in other ways? Cooking you dinner for example?
Your dad could be right, sure, but don't forget that he's incredibly biased on this topic. Dad's can be very protective when it comes to their daughters... maybe because they know how guys think. No dad wants to think that his little girl is being used by a guy.
He sounds like a decent guy to me for what its worth... On matters of the heart I suggest that you listen to what your gut says more than what your dad says.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (6 November 2010):
 its not about how your dad views ur relationship.yes he can be right because these little special treatments usually indicate that a guy is into you..however a lot of people are different and ur guy might be different.
the real question is... ARE YOU OK WITH IT? lets say,some girls enjoy flowers some others prefer the man to cook and they dont give two cents about flowers. in what category do u belong?
U need to re-evaluate ur relationship. and dont think things will change if u ask him to. u cant change nobody. maybe its time u took all the things u learned from this relationship and use it in ur next one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 November 2010):
 I have read your question carefully, I think your Dad is right, you SHOULD be treated a little more "special" than your boyfriends regular friends, you yourself say "He treats me more like a good friend he sleeps with" and that he makes no attmept to connect with you emotionally.
Your Dad, like most of us parents, wants you to be happy ... are you happy being treated like a friend with benefits, are you happy not being given a little special treatment and are you happy your boyfriend makes no attempt to connect emotionally?
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Usually, I'd say to listen to your father, he knows what he's about.
However, I'm strongly of the belief that "putting a woman on a pedestal" is the fastest way to turn her off and end the relationship. Counterintuitively, being distant and a little mysterious is a great way to maintain a healthy relationship. He may very well have strong feeligns for you, and simply not be expressing them for fear of scaring you off. Sounds like he knows what he's doing, except for the birthday thing (that one's just typical guy stuff).
Seeing lady friends is fine, too. I don't stop anyone I date from seeing guy friends unless they have a sexual history, because maintaining old friends and connections is an important part of remaining satisfied with a relationship.
Love does not have "eras," it's just the same funny chemicals expressed through different behaviors. Your dad earned your mother's attraction by being an independent, strong man with goals and ambitions, not by worshipping the ground she walked on. This is exactly the same.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): This guy doesn't chase girls I guess, and it's this attitude combined with being a genuine nice guy, that makes him popular. But I don't see how this attitude is conducive to the best kind of long term relationship. If you've made it obvious that you love him and he doesn't reciprocate, then there's likely a better relationhship for you with another guy, in the future. Assuming you live in a city, not a small town.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): alot of times if we listened to our parents,we could avoid going through alota things we go through. my parents have been right about every guy that ive dated. i hate that they are but...theyve been there. your dad is a man so he knows how a man should value and treat his woman. clearly ur bf takes little value in u so talk to him. if that doesnt work,find some1 who will. life is too short and the world is full of men!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Who is dating him YOU or your dad?
If the two of you have a good thing going then by all means rock on. If you want MORE from your guy you need to talk to him, guys (nor gals) are not mind readers.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I think dad's right in this case. Jack might genuinely be a nice guy, but he's nice to lots of other people, then forgets or simply doesn't celebrate your birthday. From what you've described, he's treating you only slightly different from just a friend – that is, you two have sex, and that's all.
Consider what you've said here: He love-talks sparingly and makes little effort to connect with you emotionally. He made you pay for your half of your incredibly late birthday celebration. And you are TRYING to be OK without special treatment.
Listen, if you have to make an effort to be just OK with something, you're not happy here.
I'm not going to tell you to break up with him, because that's your prerogative. However, you need to consider if you really want to spend more time trying to be just OK with the things he does (and doesn't do).
...............................
|
