A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is “dad” to his ex-girlfriend’s daughter, but he is not her biological father. He is 34, his ex-girlfriend is 30, the daughter is 11 and I am 23. I am very glad he is a good guy who stepped up and did a great thing, but the fact that he has almost a whole other family/life that doesn’t include me makes me feel left out and insecure at times… and the constant interaction with his ex on behalf of the little girl doesn’t help my feelings. They spend lots of time together, and he will even turn me down in favor of spending time with her. I understand that he is the only father figure she knows and she needs him and he loves her, but at the same time it is hard to not feel a bit hurt sometimes and it kills me when I think “I wish this little girl didn’t need him.” I understand that I am choosing to stay in this situation by being with him, but this is certainly not a deal breaker for me and it makes me so proud of him. But I’ve never dealt with anything like this and it’s such a sensitive subject and hard to talk about without coming across as negative. I am simply trying my best not to be selfish and to understand, but I still need to feel like my needs are being met. Please help me get some insight and maybe you can offer some ways I can communicate without coming across as attacking him.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Will he be open to your suggestion, if you asked him to include you when he hangs out with his daughter? Btw, I would not even use the term "biological dad" anymore because to the child, your b/f is her dad. Period. Like you said, he sounds like a keeper!
If he does not mind you hanging out with him when he is with your daughter, hey, you will get the best of two worlds! You will see him and you will "gain a daughter" too! And he will love you more for it! If you an issue with her spending time with her ex (which is perfectly justifiable), you need to tell him that too, I am sure he can still spend time with his daughter not at his ex's place if he knows that it bothers you.
I think your b/f has enough love to share with you and his daughter. And perhaps, like Starfish said, with your own children if/when you decide to have them?
Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Its a very difficult subject. what you have is a contest for affections. He is doing the right thing by being surrogate Dad (it will depend how long he was seeing her for really, i would guess a while). If it has been a long time, then he is Dad to that girl, regardless of biology.
I suspect they split up badly and the girl is his emotional stake with his ex. either guilt or affection wise.
you sound like a good person and doing the right things, but naturally you feel that she is getting your time. I would talk to him, sensibly and say look, be aware of how this affects me - and that you are proud and pleased, but you need a bit more time or at least rules around how much time you spend.
if it helps ask him what happens when ex. meets someone else?
Or when you two have kids?
Hugs Star.x.
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