A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I did a really really stupid thing and cyber cheated on my wife, I met a girl through a chat room and for 3 months we sent dirty emails to each other and spoke on the phone a dozen times and emailed pictures of our privates to each and pictures of each other pleasursing ourselfs, I know that sounds really really bad but truly I was never going to meet her or form a relationship it was fantasy on my part, 1 stage above watching porn really, I guess my wife had her suspisions as I did become slighty shady with my phone... And whilst I was asleep she looked through my phone and laptop!! She sure everything and rightly so chucked me out... Thankfully cause it was a few days before christmas, she agreed to let me come and see our daughter on Christmas day and when we put her too bed we talked..I showed her the text to this other girl saying I couldn't contact her again and that I was a scumbag cause I lied to her and my wife.. I have tried explaining to my wife it was nothing but she won't listen.. She has let me move back in but won't let me near her... The truth is I do love my wife, she is the love of my life.. I would never cheat on her... I have asked her to remarry me and renew our vows... But she won't..it's all such a mess.. I want her to understand it wasn't really cheating.. I have just been an idiot.. I would have ended things with this girl even if she hadn't found out.. Cause I never wanted to Hurt anyone but it was a stupid realease from real life.. My job our sleepless nights from our 2 year old... I have asked her to go to couple counselling and she's agreed but what can I tell her til then to make her believe she really is the most wonderful sexy beautiful women in the world and I want to spend my life with her, when she doesn't believe a word I say?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): I would never cheat on her... LIESI want her to understand it wasn't really cheating.....LIESso what do you actually consider cheating -only when your penis is in someone else viginia, and that someone else is not your wife: - you sent dirty emails to each other - you spoke on the phone a dozen times - you emailed pictures of privates to each toher - you were pleasursing yourselves to each other. if this is not cheating i wonder what is. Do you know why your wife has found it just so damn hard to believe your lies.....because you have not truthfully acknowledged your wrong doing. maybe just maybe if you were absolutely truthful that you were looking so some sexual gratification elsewhere she would actually admire your honesty. you don't need to go to relate to find that out. oh, and renewing your marriage vows, for what?? just to pacify her into believing that you are the faithful type. this renewal of vows means nothing, it is only a sham. instead of trying to pacify her try being honest, last time i heard honesty is really the best policy. admit your cheating and learn from this cheating. you could have lost everything do you know that??? for what, some meaningless sexual gratification. i hope you did all the
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): well,,,,,,,,,, was it worth it ??
Granted it was titilating,, and no it wasn't actual real live cheating as in face to face hot sweaty monkey sex.
But the thing is you broke the emotional and mental bond between you and your wife. Granted you didn't bring any disease's "home" but that most deadly disease of broken trust/faith was brought into your house. (by you..knothead)
Look at the situation from the other side,, how would you feel if she was the one cybersexing and emailing her "fancy's" over the net ??
Hopfully she will understand the differences between what you did, (not condoning at all btw..) and actual hot wild monkey sex with some woman. Which unless you live on the far side of the moon you are around women where you live.
She's furious/hurt no doubt, and hopefully she and you will work through this. If you and her get through this it will take both of you, and you need to realize tittilation is one thing,, but this is only step away from boinking your next door neighbor or your wife's best female friend.
And this isn't going to go away for a LONNNNNGGGGG time.
Being older than most posters I can see there is a difference between cybersexing and monkey sex with the next door neighbor. And,, I'm not your wife, your wife is your wife.
Hopefully she will forgive your donkey mistake. Just cause kids are sexting doesn't mean married men with wives and children can do the same.
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A
female
reader, ChantillyMarie  +, writes (28 December 2009):
If you knew women, you'd realise she'd probably thinking;
"Oh, I'm not good enough."
"It's my fault he cheated."
"Why did I do something wrong?"
Etc! And you know what, she was completely right to throw you out, you're not sorry for what you did wrong! You're just sorry you got caught!
You're not loving her like you probably once did, and I bet she misses that.
Stop pressuring her to forgive you, and just accept she's a right to be mad.
Let her vent it out, and make her feel young and alive again.
Although, to be honest. You don't deserve a wife, if you needed to "Escape" from reality with an online mistress.
~Chantelle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): My boyfriend has just done this to me. I have just found out he has been chatting to other girls online pretty much throughout our relationship. Why do guys do this!!!
The only way you can truly win her back is to be a perfect husband, and SHOW her that you are sorry, don't just do it for a month then go back to normal. Thats what my boyfriend has done. I want him to make me feel special, to tell me how perfect I am, to take me on surprise dates, and make me feel like I am the only one. Thats what you need to do, and the poster below who said it will take a full year for her to trust you again was right. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): i have been on the other side of this. your reaction is similar,being,your concern is being caught,not that you are sorry for the hurt. she would be better leaving for someone better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Your wife is going overboard on this. It's not that serious.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I agree with your first view.. it is just one step about porn and your wife is way over reacting.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 December 2009):
So you've been trying to tell her that it wasn't really cheating????
Seriously, the LAST thing you want to do right now is tell her she is wrong and give excuses.
You say you would have ended things with this other girl anyway? Really? When?
You've been caught and you need to just accept that and accept the fact that you DID cheat and you DID hurt and ending it NOW YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT just means nothing.
You have to give her time and let her be angry. She will need time to forgive you and you need to figure out why you did this and be honest about it. She needs to know the reason you did this so you can fix the problem so you won't do this again.
Right now you come across like a man scared of losing his home and marriage, and one who is sorry he got caught, not one who is sorry for what he did.
You may well be very sorry, but you aren't helping yourself so I really hope you take some time to think about all this rather than just try and say the right things to solve the problem at hand.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Wow. I just found out my husband was on an adult friend finder web site. I'm really upset with him. I don't no if he has done any thing or not. I don't no how to bring it up. I ran across it on his phone not meaning to. So I no how ur wife feels. U just have to hang in there and keep telling her what u r. U sound like a good guy. U just messed up really bad it will take time be patient. She will come around. My question to u y do men do this.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (27 December 2009):
Speaking as a former victim, the best thing you can do for your wife is just listen. Don't try to argue about the facts and details, just let her tell you what a piece of trash you are and just agree with her. Give her full access to your cellphone and computer and let her know your whereabouts as often as you can. Right now she feels as though her whole marriage has been a lie. She feels as though you put the other woman above her and your daughter. She is questioning everything; her appearance, why she wasnt good enough. She is blaming herself for your behaviour. You have to keep telling her it wasnt something she did, it was your greed. You may have to say this many times. There will be moments of calm when you think its all over and then her mood will suddenly switch from good to bad. When this happens, it is a big mistake not to acknowledge it. Instead of ignoring it hoping it will go away, just tell her that you regret the pain you caused her. Try to reassure her about how sexy she is, not just by words but also by the way you look at her, txts and emails during the day. Surprise nights out etc. Its at least a year of work if you can stomach it. If she thinks you slept with the girl, a polygraph test can solve that quickly. Since you love her and regret/admit your mistake, I think you can win her back fully by next Christmas. Its going to be a tough year though
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