A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together 9 years, and had the whole "how many people have you ******" conversation many years ago. Ever since then, I, like many husbands, still wonder "is that her real number, or is she holding some back?" The history she gave me was active, but what I'd call average. But, there are a few signs that make me think there are a few stories she's left out. She didn't have any real relationship or sexual history until she was 15 and a sophomore in high school. She started dating a 20 year old guy, which her parents absolutely LOVED...lol. He was the one to get her virginity, and they dated until about halfway through her senior year. From here, she entered her self proclaimed "wild time". Over the next year or so, she: got a butterfly tattoo that literally starts right at her *** crack, pierced her belly button, pierced her tongue, got a total of 7 piercings between both ears, bleached her hair completely blond, was arrested twice for shoplifting, admits that she was one guy's booty call, and contracted chlamydia. Towards the end of her freshman year in college, after talking to him again for about 2 weeks, she left home unexpectedly and moved in with her ex. They were together for around another 2 years, and she had been single for around 9 months when we met.She admits to ******* a total of 6 guys, including me, and only sucking an additional 4, making a total of 10. Her story seems reasonable enough, but a few things peak my interest. If you take me and her ex BF out, she's been with 8 guys. Lets say that one of them was during the 9 months between her breaking up with her ex and us starting. That leaves 6 plus the booty call guy during her "wild" year. Now that is still a fairly high number for one year, but almost seems low to me for a girl who is getting a tramp stamp, 9 piercings and admits to getting an STD during that time. Either way, it won't affect my opinion of her. And it's not like I'm racked with jealousy or contempt. Just a little curious. I'd love to hear some opinions on this.
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booty call, her ex, jealous, moved in, sexual past, std, tattoo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): The more you scratch this itch, the worse it will get.
I went through a period in which I was very curious about my wife's sexual past, and I tried to piece things together. After expending a significant amount of time on it, I concluded she'd probably had intercourse with other men at least 600-800 times before we met.
What did this "information" get me? Nothing really, other than the realization that sex is just sex, and our sex is probably pretty average, as was her sex with her exes.
I doubt your quest will lead to much useful information, and it seems to me there's probably some down side risk you will learn something that troubles you. My suggestion is to stop thinking or caring about it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Men statistically don't like promiscuous women for a life partner. Its a simple fact. Lots of women call this male ego. Fine, I could just as easily call it female ego for women to prefer physically fit men with money and power.
Blaming men for their logical mate preferences does not change the facts. We prefer what we want in a mate for the same reasons that women do. Evolution.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2013):
 curiosity killed the cat....
I can't see in any way how this line of questioning is a good idea.
I would accept what she said as what she wants you to know
you have said knowing differently will not change anything so why bother?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 This is a pandora's box. The more you dig, the worse it gets. There is no good information you can find out about this subject, only details that will haunt you. Thinking about this subject will only torture you, then make you jealous and insecure, which you will take out on her in various unpleasant ways.
She very likely told you the truth. Let it go at that. That is best for you, best for her, and best for your marriage.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 You write: "Either way, it won't affect my opinion of her. And it's not like I'm racked with jealousy or contempt. Just a little curious. I'd love to hear some opinions on this."
First, I think you are deluding yourself that what you are questioning will/won't affect your opinion of her. That's the ONLY reason that you would ask such questions... Your opinion of her is in flux... and you need more data....
You may not recognize the jealousy or contempt... but it's there...
The old cliche - "Curiosity killed the cat" - has its basis in real happenings...
Try to stifle your curiousity...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): 6 guys in a year it's not even that much. I remember my wild years that actually lasted only 2 years as then i met my husband, I had more than that. Basically everytime I went out I w meeting a guy, few dates later it happened, and than it was very soon over: I didn't like him or he didn't like me. When you are very young these things happen very fast. Then next weekend you go out again, same story. It's really not that much. I had my share of STDs also, back then no one heard of AIDS, actually 3 times I had some kind of STD. I didn't have any piercings or tattooed, thank god for that, but again almost 30 years ago it was not that common. Then I met my future husband, and now all these years later, grown kids, my couple years of wild are long in a past. My husband was actually never curious about how many guys I had. Never asked me a question about it. He probably didn't want me to ask him the same question. Lol. Why are you even curious about it? I think it is a male ego talking here. I don't regret any of my encounters, some were sweeter than others, but what happened happened, part of life I guess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): I wish somebody would have told me when I was a teenager that I was allowed a "wild year" to do whatever dubious stuff I want, and then I could expect the rest of the world not to hold any of it against me later once I "grew out of it".
Why didn't anyone tell me about this? I wasted my teens and 20s. I thought I would be held responsible for everything I did.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I don't think it's that weird at all. I went through a very similar wild year (thankfully I somehow escaped ever getting an STD, though), and that's really, honestly, and truly all that it was - ONE wild year.
Like your wife, I still have the tattoo, piercings, scars, and other physical reminders of that wild year, but the behavior itself has long subsided thanks to a little therapy and growing up.
Have faith in the fact that if your wife honors you and your relationship, she probably wouldn't lie to you about her number of sexual partners. Especially if she was willing to be so honest about her crazy streak.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 Btw, not relevant to the post, but to CMMP:
How do you think friends or family know anyones "real" number? Unless they were there in the room seeing it and counting, they can't possibly know. That sounds more like trash-talk than actual valid information. I've gone home with men, or been together with them in private, without anything sexual happening. So how on earth could people "count" how many times someone has had sex when they have no idea what happens behind closed doors?
I also seriously doubt the opinion of any "friend" that claims their friend is a liar. I know I'd never out a friend like that, if it was true. So.. no, seriously doubt these "friends" were friends, and seriously doubt they were right.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 June 2013):
I don't think a lot of other men (or women) worry about whether their partner is being honest about their "number". Such a thought implies you have little or not trust in each other. It's a big problem in a relationship if there is not trust. And no, I think most trust their partner. If they can not trust their partner, why should they be with them? What else will they be wondering? What others lies would be in the relationship?
I think you take your own distrusting thoughts too casually, and justifying them by saying "everyone else wonders too", when in fact you have a real problem in your marriage: a lack of trust. And perhaps also a lack of honesty on your own part, because liars are known to not trust others to be honest. Look at yourself and your reason for questioning her, before you choose your next step.
Your language is also an indication of something else, something rather distressing. You speak very low of her. Without any respect. You phrase yourself in a way to put her in a bad light, to make fun of her, to make her look like a fool. To put her down in front of us. You aim to make her look bad, with low morals... This speaks volumes of your view on her, your level of respect for her, and how you treat her. And it isn't pretty. You speak of her in a very low manner, almost like she was a flee-ridden dog from the streets. She ***** this or that many guys, she "admits" to this and that, she "gave her virginity", got a tramp stamp... These things aren't normal to think about your partner, it's not at all a common way to word yourself.
I'd take a serious look at your relationship with your wife and how you treat her. Perhaps this was only an exception, and you actually love her, but if this is generally how you talk about her and if this is an indication of how you feel about her and treat her.. Then either get into couples therapy (or personal therapy) or get a divorce. Because this isn't healthy.
You're "just a little curious"? Re-read your post, and see if you honestly sound just a little curious. A little curious would be to ask your wife this, and then settle for the answer. What you're doing right now is trying to build up a case to hang her for.
And no, I don't think she has lied to you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 June 2013):
I think almost everyone lies when asked that question. I learned not to ask it after I asked a 21 yr old I was dating and she told me 15. I was surprised but figured she had to be telling the truth until it came up in front of her sister and a couple of her friends who said it was more like 30+.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): If you can get past shoplifting, arrests, STD's, several body- piercings, and a wild year; why does the number of guys she's had matter? Truthfully, nine years after the fact; makes you a little looney for caring!Most people don't recall every single sexual encounter over a life-time. There may be experiences during intoxication or drug abuse, that aren't totally recalled. Even if you were a virgin when she met you, she could have lied about ever having but one man. The guy who took her virginity.There really isn't anything anyone can say that will soothe your suspicions. I don't even think she can do that. The words from an advice site will surely not change your feelings; but may alter your path to destruction of your marriage. You married her in spite of her past, you got by her unusual appearance; and you've survived a nine-year marriage with a woman who obviously has kept you happy up to this point in time. You can dig up the past, she can't change it. You are obviously experiencing some personal mental issues, that are not her fault. If you have an ingrained jealousy (retro-jealousy);it can spin out of control, and wreck your marriage. If you're just digging for crap to destroy her self-esteem, keep going there buddy. Some people never learn when they need to let sleeping dogs lie. It's the cruelest you can do to another person. Especially; if they've worked to change. As a married-man, your concern should lie with where you both are now. Men with a retro-jealousy are sometimes incurable. So the only cure for them, is a divorce; or to kick them to the curb. They deserve to suffer alone; if they can't forgive.If there are no existing domestic troubles other than your concern for the number of guys she has had in her past; please continue to be a good husband, and help her to erase any regrets she may have had to fight until she met you.You could easily become a regret; if you stay on the path you're on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): I had nine piercings (ears, eyebrow and navel) YEARS before I lost my virginity.
And banging six guys in one year would definitely be a "wild year" by my standards too.
I think you are over-thinking this, and maybe it IS only curiosity, but I don't see anything good coming of you asking your wife for additional details and getting them. If she's been a good wife to you, leave the past be. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-10-05/why-does-it-matter-how-many-partners-shes-had/
I found this really good article about this subject. It's written by a guy and I think it explains really well why men are curious or worried about their partners sexual past.
Hope it helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): If you want to hear the truth, this is the very reason Why we as women sometimes don't want to reveal that numbed to you. You sitting there worrying about the wrong thing. I'm not trying g to minimize your opinion, you have every right to have it. We are still partially judged for it even though in the end it shouldn't matter. You love her she loves you. At the end of the day, that is most important. She can't change her past anymore than
you can change yours. You had nine wonderful years together. Nothing good comes from looking backwards. Be curious about her present and what's in store for the future. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 It only takes ONE guy to give you an STD.:)
Anyway , her story makes sense to me. Basically it's 7 guys in one year, less than two months each if she was a serial dater, or maybe they were recurring characters in the saga, they were coming and going. Still, it seems pretty reasonable, normal and possible, not necessarily a wild year will have to be made of 365 different one night stands.
Plus, she admitted to 9 partners , the real psychological difference is between one-or two- and 9, but it does not feel much different , or more " sinful " ,between 9 and 13 or 9 and 17, I think she would not have been ashamed to tell you if that had been the case.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 She had been very open with you and trust that you accept her, so I don't think adding 10 more numbers would change anything. Doing the math here, there is nothing unusual about the number. She had been so busy with embellishing her body, plus academics, I doubt she would have more time for guys. She also needed time to heal from her piercings. Her parents did not control or restrict her freedom, but I still think she had no reason to lie about her number. If the number is 50+ then maybe she would bring that number down but given the things she was already doing in her life that number would have been impossible.
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