A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone can get their head round this because I cant!So i've known this guy for years, he's 23 years older than me, he was my teacher years ago, we had a business together and we've spent so much time chatting over the years - He was my favourite friend.Then I left college, so he wasn't my teacher. I was engaged, getting married and moving away- so I said goodbye to the business. Before I got married (2004) however, my fiance was constantly away on business and he threw a dinner party for me on my birthday, and we had dinner on Valentines because I was alone. And Guess what- I fell for him. But I thought it was pre- wedding jitters and ignored it, got married and moved to the other end of the country to live happily ever after.So husbands got promoted and we got sent back home- brilliant because I was so unhappy in the new home or husband! Brilliant until about 5 months ago at a party, I got drunk and emotional- we ended up hugging and he hinted at having feelings for me. Then at a new years party- my husband was very, very drunk, as was my friend. Husband left the party for a while and my friend came clean saying he had feelings for me for ages. We talked about it a few days later and decided that absolutly no adultery was to take place.Since then we have been meeting "accidently- on- purpose" weekly. Still no adultery.Then things with my husband went really wrong and a week later I ended up talking to my friend about all that happened, he knows my husband and I are getting a divorce. And I kissed him, he kissed back. And since then I have been really casual about everything, so as not to scare him off. But it become clear he's avoiding me for the last 3 weeks.What do you all think? Likes me? Doesnt like me? Worth it? Email and ask? or not?Please help- going out of my mind.
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female
reader, RunsWithScissors  +, writes (2 April 2008):
I find it interesting that you were not happy in your new home across the country nor with your husband. You blew off your initial feelings with your former teacher as a crush and gave it a go with your husband away from this guy. I'm assuming you had minimal contact with the other guy during this time. If so, then it sounds like you just didn't find happiness with your husband as a couple.
I think this guy likes you or he wouldn't have told you so, however, I wonder why he didn't pursue you before you were engaged or married. He could very well be one of those guys who wants what he can't have, or he could just not want to be the cause of your break up. IMHO, you need to decide if this marriage won't work because you aren't compatible or simply because your heart has gone to someone else. And if it has gone to someone else, it sounds like it happened for a reason it...your fiance wasn't around to meet your needs and there is such a thing as too little too late. If you can honestly say that was the case, it was tragic but just a part of life. By the same token, don't leave your husband for someone else because that puts you in the position of HAVING to make this other relationship work...you've put everything on the line and that raises the ante considerably...yet it may not really be the right relationship for you in the long run. If you feel you must leave your husband, do it because you know there just is no chance - either because it was a mistake to begin with or you're just not compatible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Hi, A serious point to remember - if you get with this now married guy if he beacme available, how will you be able to trust him?? Any relationship is made not just from love - but trust, honesty and a lot of hard work. Be careful hun....
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 I could say what you want to hear..you are going to leave your husband and connect with this guy who you believe to be the love of your life but it does not sound solid...or true somehow. Your husband, whom you only mention in a fleeting way I suspect knows about this infatuation and is probably upset. I also get a sense from this that you do not have a solid sense of who you are. It sounds like you were on shaky ground when you married your husband and this guy may be a port in the storm right now. Even if you do leave your husband for this guy it sounds like neediness which is propelling it...not a solid friendship and love. You cannot have it both ways my dear. It sounds like your crush may be trying to either do the right thing if he is avoiding you or he is a player and this flatters his ego to have a younger woman in his court. I would not email your crush.Is there anything left to salvage with the man you married. You do not want to cheat here. If the answer..the real answer is no you have some decisions to make but I would proceed with caution with this other man. You are fixating on him because of the unhappiness in your marriage I think. It is very human but I would not read a whole lot into it right now.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (2 April 2008):
 I have to be honest, I have never understood attractions between people of such a great age difference. And unfortunately they usually don't pan out. Believe it or not, age is NOT just a number. It makes a difference and not just in an intellectual level. You and he may be in a similar place mentally but the stage in life he is at compared to where you are at are very different. My girlfriend and you are about the same age and I am only 8 years older then her and I wasnt sure if that would even last. But, All that being said, if you have a huge connection with this man and you are willing to deal with the consequences, then you have to find out if he feels this way too. I am just a little concerned about your marraige. I meen, since you married him you must have loved him right. I don't know the details of your problems but i'm wondering if maybe this other guy being in the back of your mind this whole time hasnt effected your marraige. I dont know, I just take marraige so seriously that it just sucks if two people can't fix it.
So, to sum it up. If you feel strongly enough about him then you need to call him and find out. Sorry about the rant.
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