A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey folks, thanks for reading. A bit(okay, a lot) of background:My girlfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year, and she has two kids from previous relationships. When we first got together she was living in a very tiny apartment and working in the office of the apartment complex she was living in. She got laid off and was therefor unable to pay her rent. Unemployment was unavailable, but she did have her tax refund. No one would even consider renting to her without a job, so even though I wasn't ready for it, and with the intention of keeping her and her kids out of a shelter and off the streets, we moved into an apartment together. She put down two months rent with her tax refund and paid the deposit. We discussed this and I made it very clear before we moved in or signed any papers that she would have to make every effort to find a job, because as much as I love her and her kids, the only reason I was doing this was to keep them off the streets. They are not my responsibility and I have little desire to support someone else or their kids.I'm sure you can guess the problem. The things you learn about a person when you start living with them! The two months rent she put down came and went, and I've paid the rent the last two months as well as ALL the other bills for the entire four months we've been there. Her job-hunting has consisted of half of a day walking around the mall and filling out a grand total of THREE applications in four months time. She can not even keep the apartment clean. If she had a job or was actively looking for one I would more than excuse a messy apartment, but as she has the time if she's not going to look for a job I really feel that the least she could do is keep the apartment spotless. I have no idea what she does with her time while I'm at work. She smokes, and not only do I find that habit disgusting, but she won't tell me where she's getting the cigarettes when she has no money. Her kids, though I love them dearly, are spoiled brats who don't mind her in the slightest, don't appreciate anything, and can't keep quiet to save their own lives. Truly a nerve-grating situation for me as I neither have nor want kids of my own.Obviously this has got to come to an end. Even if she were to find a job tomorrow, I am not willing to continue living with her. She is extremely hot tempered and irrational and has no sense of moderation. Boiling or ice, black or white, no middle ground. For example, on Valentine's day she spent $200 per child on gifts.........rather irresponsible considering I'd paid her electric bill that month. When I mentioned this she said fine, we won't celebrate any holidays anymore ever. She meant it. No birthdays, Christmas, Easter, anything.Here are my questions: Is there any kind of damage control I can do? Can you give me any tips on how to break this to her gently? I can only imagine how far overboard she'll go when I tell her. I must admit I'm caring less and less what she does to herself in these fits of rage, but what she'll subject her kids to bothers me greatly.Thank you for your time. I realize that I should have seen this coming and stayed the hell away, that this situation is my own doing and I will have to get myself out of it on my own. For these reasons, I appreciate the advice all the more.
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at work, christmas, money, moved in, smokes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): ahh..I didn't think about how YOU could leave for some reason....interesting.
Yeah, that works too. Less messy. Good solution, you are only renting after all.. and if there is no complications with getting your name off the lease then great. Good luck with it dude.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Thank you, folks. Your advice helped tremendously, and the situation is now over. I knew all along that this is what had to happen, but reading other people agreeing with me helped.
Things came to a head over the weekend. She finally got the house cleaned up a bit, and then proceeded to complain for half an hour straight about how much she hurt from cleaning. I said that I payed the rent and bills for her family AGAIN this month and that I really didn't want to hear it. She didn't take kindly to that at all, and amid her yelling and screaming I loaded all my stuff in my truck and drove away. I'm at my parent's place now, and just got back from the apartment office, having taken my name off the lease. As soon as I'm finished here I'll be calling the power company and telling them to stop service to the apartment, at which point all ties to her will be severed.
The only part that hurt was watching her kids cry as I left. I'll miss them, I won't miss her.
Kinda embarrassed to be back with my parents, but that's a minor thing and won't last. I'll take a couple weeks to get my bearings and then I'll be moving out again shortly.
Thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): One more aside:
She has someplace else. She has to. Family, friends. If you kick her out, she wouldn't end up on the street. She'd most likely end up at her momma's house.
other than that, I see one possible solution: You can have a conversation with her about how you don't think this is working out but you will give her a grace period of a couple of months to find a new place to live. This includes letting her date other men while she is living with you during that grace period, you realize..
As long as you are SLEEPING with this woman she will have a sense of entitlement. I'm sure you see this. So the first step to communicating your sincerity is to stop being her boyfriend and to only be her roomate.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (31 May 2009):
 Ok Honey, this is a horrible situation and you are going to have to be very hard and firm in this. I do not think you are going to get a good reaction when you actually ask her to leave and there will be screaming , shouting, threats etc. The point is she is not making any effort to find work because it is all too cosy for her and the children. You need to say to her that unless she has secured work by such and such a date - maybe 6 weeks, then she will have to leave. It is all too comfortable for her and basically she is taking the piss. She is using the fact that you do not want the children to be homeless and your feelings and behaviour are very commendable but they are not your responsibility and you are going to have to be firm and hard here. Personally I think there is a good chance she might sit on her bottom for the entire 6 weeks and so you are going to have to follow through with this by at the end of the time bagging her stuff up and changing the locks.
I have a male friend who had a girlfriend with one young child. They were on benefits although she still smoked and had a 42inch plasma tv, he worked. Eventually she couldn't maintain her rental payments so they both moved in with him. He told her to try and get part time work as the child was so young but all she did was sit and watch tv and smoke, The house was a tip. He tried reasoning with her that she could at least do the washing, make his dinner etc but she was alawys too tired, too stressed etc. She did nothing. He put up with this for a whole year and then one day came home and turfed them out. He literally put them on the street outside his house , turned his music up and double locked the door. Very very hard but he had reasoned with her but she was lazy and was happy on benefits for ever.
I do not for one minute think you could have seen this coming, living with someone and dating them is totally different. I feel upset for you but I feel you are going to have to take somewhat radical action to remove this lady.
All the best,
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): Well... a lot of women out there have a pretty large sense of entitlement, to a man's logic. This sounds like such a case. Why would she work when she has you? She has to raise her kids after all! Apparently you aren't ready, or able, to provide that level of... security, as a REAL man should.^many a woman's viewpoint. Granted, there are more independent types out there these days, but its still a fairly dominant part of society.But I feel for you. It seems like you really helped her out keeping her off the streets like that. But, sometimes, if you are too kind, people will start to take your kindness and charity for granted, and they will forget promises of productivity that they made to you. Neither of you seem happy. That's why she has her temper tantrums, and you have your grievances as well.No peaceful way here bro. If you're gonna end it, you end it. It will be messy. But she obviously has you (or did have you) pegged down as a candidate for something far more serious than you want to commit to. And she wants a one income family, baby.
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A
male
reader, Prophet7 +, writes (31 May 2009):
I think the best thing to do is tell her exactly how you feel. Don't sugarcoat it because people need to tell others about their behavior. If they do nothing to change it then they deserve to learn a lesson but just not at your expense. Her kids are not your responsibility. She needs to want to make a living for herself and her kids. She may know your a nice guy and takes advantage of it. If she sees you are serious maybe she'll get it together. If not it's not your problem. Not trying to be harsh but it just sees like she is taking advantage of the situation. Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
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