A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There is no easy way to get into this so I will get steaight to the point. I have always had a disfunctional family. (Dad beat my mom etc every day she was always in hospital he was an alcholic just a bit of background on that) the thing is I was abused by my brother. It started with him just beating me every day then is became sexual abuse. He is mentally is and paranoid sckitsophrenic (sorry I don't know how to spell it) I have to see him quite often. No one knows about it. I go to councelling twice a week but work full time as I was sectioned to a mental hospital for a mmental breakdown. But I can't tell anyone. I know people say talkin through it is the best thing to do. But if anyone found out they would kill him. Not an exageration he would be murdered if my dad knew. The thing is although I cannot tell anyone how can I deal with it myself. Nothing has happened for 5 years but I just cannot forget it. I hate him. People say he's your brother you should lobe him but I can't. I have to pretend I do for everyone else. I have no doubt in my mind if it came out he would kill himself with his chronic depression? So my problem is I was abused for years can't tell anyone in fear of my brother dyin either by suicide of my family killing him I can't take the risk and tell someone because of this. My dad has also gotten really drunk and tried to abuse me but I managed to wrestle him off and he pretends not to remember. Its getting to the point I cannot cope anymore and therapy doesn't help as I can't tell anyone? Please help me.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (25 August 2012):
I have just read your update and you are planning the right things. It is one thing being there for people but when your own life is being ruined by them then you have to make the right choice for you. you are making a success of your life by making these positive changes to your life and the counsellor would agree on that too. make sure you speak to them, its 100% confidential. best of luck and if you ever need advice you know where we are
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Bless you, you're stronger than you realise. If you ever feel like it, you can direct message me. I've been through similar and still not over it but learning how to cope and move on. I'm here if you ever need support or just to vent your feelings. Take care x
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (23 August 2012):
I am very sorry for what you have gone through. I think you should confide in your counsellor, they are trained to listen and calmly provide people with guidance and not to be shocked. as a counsellor they well may have heard previous clients stories of abuse, and it will be 100% confidential as you are an adult. right now they may not understand why you have not fully progressed, they dont know why because they dont know the full story, tell them, you have nothing to fear as you did nothing wrong. I wish you the best in your life, perhaps distancing yourself from your family will also help in your healing. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to thank you all for your support and kind words. I am going to speak to my councellor you have given me the push I needed! I do live alone and work all the hours god gives so I can provide for myself and will never have to rely on them. With regards to speakin to my mother she eventially broke and abandoned us when I was 10 and I haven't seen her since so that's not an option. I've decided yo move away and just see them on bdays an xmas. Thank you all so much for your support I am finally gettin the courage to do these things I should have done years ago. You have no idea how much your advise will change my life thank you so much x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 I'm so sorry that ANYONE even has to deal with issues like those you have dealt with and is still dealing with.
1. TALK to your counselor. There should be a confidentiality agreement between patient (you) and your counselor. Which means the counselor can NOT tell your dad or anyone else, unless YOU WISH to pursue that avenue.
2. Your family is toxic for you to be around. As tough as it may be to do, I think you need to cut them off and focus on your. Get away from them. Stay in therapy.
3. You don't OWE your brother anything. You OWE yourself a better future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Could you talk to your mother or another trusted relative or friend? Because you need support outside of your counselling sessions. Maybe ask your therapist if you could attend group therapy as well as one to one sessions. Sometimes being with others who understand exactly how you feel can bring tremendous support and comfort. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a victim and as such, you have a legal right to justice. If you choose not to exercise that right because it will cause further damage to your family, that is totally understandable. Sadly a lot of abuse goes unreported because victims want to protect others. You are not alone in that respect. You are an amazing lady to silently carry the burden of your brothers misdeeds in order to protect him. What you might perceive as weakness on your part is in fact great strength but over time, the weight of what you carry will exhaust you and wear you down. By sharing the burden, you will feel some relief. It is all too much for you to carry alone. So do tell your therapist EVERYTHING. Let that person help carry some of your load and guide you. And try talking to a close relative or friend, let them also help carry some of the burden. This is not a recommendation just a suggestion. Have you ever talked to your brother about the abuse? Have you ever sought an explanation and apology for his behavior? Because you deserve one. If you explain that you are keeping quiet to save his hide but this enforced silence is truly making you feel ill. Then in my opinion, the least he can do if he has a shred of decency left is tell you how very sorry he is that you are suffering for his sake and to ask your forgiveness. If he will say that and mean it, you might find some peace of mind and in time a little forgiveness. He took a lot from you. He should share the consequences of his actions and not allow you to suffer them alone. He owes you that much. If he is not prepared to do this for you by denying it took place or blaming you for it all, then you might be better off cutting him out of your life altogether. As for your father. You say he was a drunk and beat your mother, putting her in hospital sometimes. This was your brothers role model? Your father bares some of the responsibility for how your brother developed as a child. He should be offering both of you an apology. You fear for your brothers safety if your father discovers you were abused. But your father is at least partly responsible for it all because he introduced your brother to physical violence towards women. He made it `normal` to your brother. Family counselling would probably help you all. Would you be able to suggest that to the pair of them? You have suffered at the hands of both of them over time, directly and indirectly. They owe it to you to help repair the damage. If neither will help by joining you in counselling, i would cut them out of your life. I know it might seem unbearably painful to lose your family such as it is. But if they wont help you it might be better and easier in the long term if you move on from them and rebuild your life without them around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): You sound completely overwhelmed by your past and family. They are like a stone around your neck, but for some reason you've stuck around them.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (23 August 2012):
 If the concealing isn't helping, it's because you haven't been able to open up with the truth. Anything you tell your therapist is confidential, so it's safe to talk to him/her without fear of anyone else finding out.
As long you continue to bottle everything up inside, you're never going to get better. You need to let it out, and you also need o put some distance between you and your family. You need o heal, and as long as the wounds are constantly being reopened, that can't happen.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (23 August 2012):
Hi, so sorry to read all this. Have you told your therapist about your brother? About the whole situation? I completely understand that you are not in a position to tell your family, but ideally you should feel comfortable enough to talk about it all with the therapist. If not, could you ask to see another therapist? Sometimes people don't connect that well with one therapist and don't engage fully, so don't say everything that needs to be said. If that's the case, could you mention it to your case manager or doctor, so that you could speak to someone you are more comfortable with? I say this because professional help is what you really, really need and it can take some time to find the right therapist for you. That aside, sometimes there is no way to resolve things with with families and it may be that you have to distance yourself from yours. It's a sad thing to have to do, but it might be necessary for your own peace of mind and to try to move on to a happier life. Could you move away from them, to a nearby city or town, so that you only have to see your parents when you are up to it? And limit contact with your brother?You may not feel able to confront your brother and tell your parents about this for a long time, if at all. But you do not have to be around them all the time. You can make a life for yourself apart from them, but without cutting them off completely. I know you worry about them, but you have to be your own priority. I hope you can talk all of this through with a therapist. You have a lot to deal with and you don't have to do it all on your own. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Hi.
I read your letter through a number of times and what came through was your strength and selflessness.
What amazed me was how you were considering your brother in spite of his abuse of you and of what other people thought. But look, you must consider yourself and your mental health. I agree it may do more harm than good to resurface old demons and to let people know what happened.. But, that is your call, if you decide to, that is an option. You may decide to go two other ways: Pretend it didn't happen, or walk away to some extent from your brother and father. This would be my recommended option.
They can only hurt your mental health.
You need to think of yourself and not worry about them. You owe them nothing.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 August 2012):
 I am sorry to hear about the abuse you - and your mother - have endured for so long.
If you are going to counselling twice a week, then you need to discuss with your therapist the fact that you feel you can not tell anybody else about the abuse for fear of violent repercussions.
Otherwise, I urge you to put as much physical distance from your brother and father as possible.
Hope this helps, all the best to you.
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