A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for a year with my ex. We lived together and were deeply in love and had a crazy sexual connection. However - he was very insecure and possessive and the relationship became quite toxic with frequent crazy arguments (was worse when he drank). Eventually he ended up cheating on me after getting me pregnant. I still love him and he loves me but I'm so hurt from the cheating. Could we ever work again? Even if I was prepared to wait years? Or is it too late. I need him to be mentally stable for us to have a chance.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2020):
 Maybe you could ( very doubtful, but who knows ),
nevertheless you shouldn't, you definitely shouldn't even if you could.
It sounds to me that what you are missing, and it's clouding the issue , and your judgement as well, is the crazy sexual chemistry. Never discount sexual chemistry , sure. But it's not even remotely enough to compensate the toxicity of all the rest ! Come on, please, be real. in less than one year, he turns out to be insecure and possessive, you have very often crazy arguments, he is a beligerant drunk, he gets you pregnant whitout having the stability, maturity and, I guess, the will to start a family and , to top it all, he cheats on you. " But you love him …. " Aw please. Be serious. What's to love in such an unsavoury character ?... Well, yes, at times love is blind and stubborn and foolish- but you know what ? even if you still " love " him - you MUST love yourself more. You must love yourself enough to avoid toxic relationship and disloyal people. More so , twice as much, if you decided to have this baby, but, in any case, also if you were childless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): Well, he got you pregnant; it's likely he will be around in your life with financial-responsibility for the child he fathered. A toxic-drunk has a lot to workout and undergo to change. Your love is useless, if he isn't seriously-committed to changing himself. Not for you, but because he wants to change. Your wanting him to change isn't enough.
He has a drinking-problem, but you're only concerned about the cheating? That's just evidence of how young and naive you must be.
Once a man becomes abusive to women, he doesn't deserve another chance. Not with the same woman he victimized. He can't be trusted for his temper and lack of control. If he has it in him to intimidate, verbally-abuse, or hit a woman; he is far from being a real-man. He's something less. When drunk, if he breaks things, hits walls, and has fits of rage. He's dangerous! No, you are not at fault for provoking him! He's the problem!!! In case you have any foolish-notions about that.
Nobody here knows either of you; nor are any of us able to predict the future. Yes, sweetheart, people can and do change. Starting-out badly so young is usually an indication he's heading down the wrong path. He'll drag you down with him.
Whatever changes he promises to make have to be clearly evident, persistent, and concrete; not just a grand proclamation, or an announcement of his noble intentions. Actions speak way louder than words! Promises made before the change are no substitute for the real-deal. The mistake too many women make is giving rotten-boyfriends the chance to comeback before they see the changes. Being a good-boy for just a few weeks or months, is only a temporary-patch of good-behavior to get your guard down. Like bad-kids are always good before Christmas!
If he tells you he's going to change; then step out of the way, and let him go find help to change. Don't trust him to do it on his own. You have a kid! When his behavior gets so bad you have to breakup; that means he requires professional-counseling. The fact you mentioned his drinking, clearly indicates alcohol-abuse is at the root of the problems you have. There are surely other issues needing work; but alcohol usually complicates and exacerbates any other relationship-problems you may have. You can't reason with a angry-drunk. They can't keep a job, they usually end-up in a car-accident, or in jail. Worse-case scenario, all of the above! They're usually broke, because they are terrible money-managers! Unless he has a hefty-sized trust-fund, or stands to inherit millions! If a drunk won't give-up drinking; they like a drink, more than they love you!
You don't take anybody back on the promise to change. Let them change first. Alcohol-rehabilitation and counseling; or he should stop drinking, if he can prove he's surely not an alcoholic. If you can't handle your liquor, you have no business drinking.
If he's a nasty-drunk when he drinks, and he drinks a lot...that's an alcoholic! A nice-drunk is a passed-out drunk! He has to admit it to himself first. If it runs in the family, he could be genetically predisposed to alcoholism; but just being too much of a party-animal is enough to turn anyone into a drunk. He shouldn't be around you like that; let alone around a helpless and vulnerable child.
You tried to change him with nagging and arguing. In anger and frustration you called-out his faults and how he hurts you. That only pisses him off!
Didn't help much did it? Instead, it only got worse.
Unprotected-sex lead to an unplanned-pregnancy; which leaves you as the only fit and reliable parent for the time-being. He's got work to do, before he could possibly be fit to be a father. If he's your age and that much of a hot-mess; I don't see him ready for fatherhood for a couple of years. Don't expect a swift and miraculous change. Look how rapidly your relationship went downhill because of his drinking. Cheating is a bad-habit too. Once you get used to doing it; it's hard to stop!
He has to be able to hold down a full-time job, manage his temper, and the child has to be safe in his care. Unless he has shown the minimum of a year's sobriety; don't trust him alone with your child unsupervised.
I have to be blatantly honest with you, sweetheart. If I were your father, I would advise you to never have anything more to do with him outside his paying child-support. He would have to earn the "privilege" of spending time with his child. It's not a right until he proves himself to be competent, capable, and sober. It's not about being with you anymore, it's about what he is like around the child.
He failed you, but I've been around long enough to know how effective these words are after a woman says "but I love him!" That usually indicates they'll take him back no matter what; and he has to run her into the ground before she comes to her senses. I pray that isn't the case. I'm not your father, and the choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2020):
 The likelihood of him doing a total 180 is low, he might become more mature, grow up some, but the thing is, what he did to you and the relationship can NEVER be erased. IT will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind and... his, though he might over time minimize his own culpability.
Which means, no. It won't really work out again. Because you know that he isn't exactly trustworthy and he isn't going to ALL of a sudden be a good BF.
I get that you feel something deeply for him, but the guy you describe is not the kind of guy that will become the man you WANT him to be, if only you keep loving him and keep waiting.
While I think it's smart if you take your time before moving on with someone else, I think hoping that someone ELSE changes who they really are, is unrealistic.
I think you NEED to work on defining your OWN boundaries, standards, values and not settle for someone who can't fulfill those. Don't make the mistake that a "sexy bad boy" will change with love. You made a bad choice in partner. Even if he was great in bed, he was also a toxic disrespectful and inconsiderate guy, who knocked you up and cheated on you.
While it IS nice to have good sex, you NEED more from a partner than that. For a healthy and long relationship.
Figure out why you SETTLED for this guy. And make 100% sure you don't end up pregnant until you are ready for that child and hopefully HAVE a partner who is solid and will be there to raise the child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): He's not mentally stable. You have no chance of a happy life with this man, even if you got back together, he would take the best years of your life and destroy you, mentally and physically (because of the stress). Please listen to someone who's been there.
Move on. The sexual connection will and can exist with many men and you are young enough to find a great man who makes you happy and satisfied. Don't waste your life on this one. He doesn't feel the same way about you otherwise he wouldn't have cheated. Think on that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 March 2020):
 Why would you want to waste your life waiting for someone who is - in your words - mentally unstable, unreliable, possessive and a cheater? He is not going to magically mature into what you need. Sexual chemistry alone will not keep you together, as you have already found. There are other far more important factors.
You are young, free and single. Make the most of it. Find yourself someone who already ticks the boxes you want, instead of someone who has already proved he is not good long-term boyfriend - or even husband - material.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 March 2020):
 I don't think that it's within your best interest to try being in a relationship with him again. The two of you clearly do not make sense being together and you can definitely find love again along with happiness if you'd wait a while and give a real gentleman a chance. After breakups we tend to dwell mostly on the good but I guarantee that you can find all of the good things, and then some, in an entirely different relationship that will serve you and make you feel safe and truly loved. This guy, is not the one for you. You would just be reliving the past by going back to him..
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 March 2020):
 Why would you wait years for a toxic cheater?
This didn’t work out for a reason, move on with your life. It’s very easy to have chemistry with someone and not be right for each other.
Leave this one WELL in the past.
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