A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all.....Holy shit.Where to begin... I left my job for another in another overseas. My fiancee ( almost 6 years together) had wanted us to end up there eventually...Sacrifices had to be made in order to achieve this. Let me be clear, I wasn't just going there for her; I have family there, and the job, schedule and benefits were superior to what I had back "home"After doing alot of hard work to convert my job skills to the new countries standard thru short trips to write exams, I received a great job offer that was to start this end of March. The catch was I still had some exams to finish, meaning I had to quit my job and go over there for two months to be eligible for the work position.In the meantime, I kept up steady communications and support with my significant other, both video calls and emails.Due to the financial crisis, I was informed my position may no longer be available at this time. Now I have to wait at least another 3-5 weeks to find out...I talk to my girl today and find out that she wants to take a break. I am not a dumb guy. I immediately ask, OK how long have you been seeing the guy and how serious has it gotten, and why?She tells me nothing yet, but feels an strong sexual attraction..So easy decision there hey?EXCEPT we live together in a shared apartment. I am a long way from home from... Share a leased car (under my name) rent under my name...The list could go on... but the point is, I wont be able to get back and deal with this for another month....As far as I am concerned, I did everything I could in the circumstances to support her, I had saved up some money to help her pay my half of the rent, and I was the one out of a job now, in the middle of gruelling exams.... I dont see how the relationship can continue after this "break"What I am concerned about is how to deal with this until I get back.She said she wouldn't know if she could deal with me being with another women on our "break", but tried to explain "its only a sexual thing" she feels for this guy...She has the gaul to feel out if I will submit to her little indescretion because I was the one who put her in a situation where she cant stop thinking about sex, masturbation doesnt work anymore, and I am gone.....HAHAHA yeah right.Maybe she's feeling smug because she knows she is sitting on all my stuff for at least another month...Gee, cant wait to continue studying for my final exam with no gurantee of a job and this little gem of info from my "fiancee" today....Hope you never have to experience losing your livelihood and your fiancee in the same month...Well, that's it, I spilled my guts.... its past 3 am here and maybe now my head will allow me to get some sleep...
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a break, fiance, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I should say also, there could be some hope. 6 years is a long time. I'm not saying this will happen, but if you told her that You don't see a future together, she could have a 'a ha' moment, and think 'what have I done?!' It could be a wake up call as she Really thinks of losing you...but the final decision should be yours if you can trust her(or she proves it in time), because a relationship without trust usually doesn't last.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. You've done so much for her, and she tells you she can't stop her sexual needs, as she's 'teasing' the guy into it. I can't imagine admitting that to a fiance. She's acting like a baby and needs to grow up. Thank God this happened now instead of after you were married.You deserve someone that will love you through all of lifes' challenges, and there are many in a marriage, but it is so rewarding and the love grows stronger each year you make it through a tough time.As others have said, I would put your energy into your studies, exercise, and planning how to smooth your way out. Take care!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 The way I see it is that you cannot take a "break" from a marriage when times get tough, therefore you cannot take a break from your engagement or relationship either. You are either 100% fully committed or you just dont bother at all.
You have put so much into this relationship and categorically do not deserve to be treated like this, it seems like you have done everything you can to be a future for you and your fiancee, so for her to treat you like this is just incomprehensible.
No-one on here can tell you whether you should stay with her or not; I think the best thing for now is to leave her to it on her little "break" whilst you concentrate on getting this exam done. Once you have completed your studies, you will then be in a better frame of mind to make your decision about your fiancee.
In my opinion I would have lost all trust if something like this happened to me, I would not be able to go through with the marriage or continue the relationship because they have shown their true colours. This sort of behaviour does not bode well as marriage potential. But ultimately the choice is yours; just make sure you focus on yourself for a while and ensure that you have something to fall back on in case this job does not materialise.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): You have to continue your studies and see this through regarding the overseas opportunity. From that point only you can make a decision otherwise you will never know will you what could have been or should have been. As for paying the rent and her back at home fleecing you whilst pursuing another man...all I can say is you have to be the bigger person and rise above her duplicity. You have done all you can with integrity but don't slip now. Maintain this approach to life. She should have waited until you were in a more secure situation (both of you) to take a break or talk things through. However now your convictions must shine. Stay focused and set yourself this hard task to get through - tick off each day and put this whole thing on hold until you have got over this hurdle. You cannot do more than one thing at once. You may wish to get some legal advice in the meantime regarding rent, material possessions. At least with information you, again, can make better decisions for YOU. She has put herself first - now its time you do.
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A
male
reader, tux  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Wow asian tealeaf.. That's a novel I fully agree with. :) Very well spoken on this situation.
I think you need to focus on yourself right now. Don't let her wandering eye get to you. You deserve better. She basically said it herself.. She's very selfish and will most likely be like that if you continue this relationship. While you are over there sacrificing your time and effort and time with her, she's back home thinking about being with another man and to top that off she wouldn't be ok if you saw another woman as well. Her excuse that it's "only a sexual thing" doesn't quite fly because if you had "just a sexual thing" with another woman, she'd be upset and would IMO probably leave you for it. She's trying to keep you to herself while she offers herself up to the next available stud.
You are better off forgetting about her and moving on. IMO, this relationship will only end in tears because someday down the line when you are working late night shifts to let her have a good lifestyle, she is not going to be satisfied and with have "just a sexual thing" with someone else.
It may not be the case, but from my eyes, that is how it is.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 give her the "break" shes asking for, continue with ur studies, look at it this way, whether u stay with her or not, u will still need ur livelihood. so dont let this break u, rather allow it to strengthen u in every way. if in the end u dont have the position, move foreward for other opportunities that may come ur way. as for her,in my view, when u are with someone especially for some exceptional time period, having invested ur TRUST,(key words), ur faith, ur loyalties,ur love, having physically commited urself in a monogamous relationship, and now furthermore, with the noble intent on marrying her, her having professed her undying love to u before countles times etc, and now having shades of doubt because shes horny, and another gentleman however nice and handsome etc he may be, has caught her gaze...and her having shared her reasons for this break.... if she cant get a grip on herself now, what would she do if god forbid, u were in an accident and confined to a wheelchair for the rest of ur life? cheat on u and then divorce u? because she cant look past her wandering vagina and have belief that u are the one meant for her, that she is committed to u 100% no matter what? if shes this unreliable now, dear sir, shes unreliable PERIOD. end of story. for me, there is no room for doubt. especially after having been with u for such a long time, one would think she had what it took to endure the distance, knowing everything u are doing is not for yourself. bevause in reality,u and her are not just a couple, you are "one". every and all sacrifices made are for the building of your future together as a couple, as parents to be etc.its your nest egg your building, your security, your own self worth, your pride, your ability to show her your the man she can rely on for security, in the best of times and the worst of times. to me, if i were in your position, i would be asking myself, if shes this weak and easily tempted with sexual feelings for some other dude, what would be the next step after these "feelings"?
what would her next move be if she had kept quiet instead of sharing these feelings? and, is there even more to this story then shes willing to share? i think so. everybody has the ability and the instinct to be "sexually attracted to someone else," but when one goes furhter to ask for a break, to me, i think shes been talking a great deal with the guy, theres some emotional attachment with him, a degree anyways.... he might of even of told her he finds her hot, he has obviously been a sounding board for her, as i mentioned, to be sexually attracted to someone, in itself, is not wrong, we always come across some body daily who we find very "do-able", even though we may never act on the notion. however, when someone whos in a committed reelationship turns around and says, ur never here, ur far away, etc etc, u need to read between the lines. that persons lonely,looking for emotional support elsewhere, she mentions shes so horny masturbation does not work, by that shes saying her needs are not being met by you. in every sense. so, when she gets this break, does that mean shes also taking a break from seeing or tLKING TO THIS OTHER DUDE? how does this work? and she also is saying she could not handle it if you were seeing other women during the break? so she gets to call the shots here? i would say to her, while u have no intentions of going out and looking for women, ur not going to stop living either. reverse psychotherapy here... u have needs, your horny, maybe porn just is not going to be the permenant fix here for too long. tell her while you will give her the break she asks for, your not going to waste your time if shes asking for an unreasonable amount of time to "think". lifes too short for you, to be idle doing nothing and putting life on hold because she needs time, to "think". see how quickly she will start to backtrack, or grab hold of the reins because she realuzes its not going the way she wanted it or expected it would. watch her sing a different tune. let her know with all certainty, if she decides she wants u, the circle of trust has been broken, ur faith in her has been shook, and things will be very awkward for a while because shes the one who planted the seed of doubt in ur heart towards HER!! u take things seriously, and if she said she had doubts etc, your taking her seriously. which means u are only acting accordingly. not your fault you now have complex doubts and have lost faith. however, if you cant place your faith back with her, you feel let down, and disappointed in her, ( and i would tell her u are deeply disappointed in her) dont back down from the barrier SHE BUILT not you,if u feel u cant recover enough to your own comfort level,then i would wait til u see her, pretend alls well, let her say whatever she has to say, then drop the load back on her, dont be spiteful about it or towards her, just tell her ur let down, your disappointed in her, you need a wife who will stand strong and hold the fort down faithfully with you, not be against u when times are tough, when ur absent for periods of time etc. tell her if shes having these feelings, who knows what next could happen.. tell her u just cant invest trust in her anylonger, and refuse to be with a woman whos weak and cant endure the hardships with you, tell her it was just as hard for you to be away from her, not being able to have your sexual needs met, but, you did not ever get sexualy attracted to another girl, you never allowed the opportunity to come at hand, because your heart was always with her. she will feel very guilty. tell her your going to break it off, no harsh feelings, no anger, no hate involved. you love her, wish her to be happy, and feel sad because you want her to be fulfilled, and realized your not what she needs at this junction in her life, and yours as well.u wish her the best, u will move out of her place and if theres anything that she needs some assistance on, as a friend and an ex lover who cares, yoy will see to what you can do in ur abilities, to help her, you wont leave her stranded, or left to dry. because after all, you were both together for so long u might as well of been married.... she will cry, she will beg. tell her your sorry, but you feel you did not deserve the blow she dealt you. that u feel your not what she needs. and that itd be better off for u both, you want her to be happy and pursue whatever it is that makes her happy. tell her, you understand she has needs, and that its ok if your not it, its ok that she needed a break, you understand her, tell her its ok she felt lonely, and all, but, u will not, and refuse to have to suffer emotionally because of her. tell her ur not being selfish, your letting her go BECAUSE in fact u do want her to be happy, and knowing she was hurt and lonely, and sexually deprived made you realize that u had to cut your losses. you dont need to have extra baggage holding you down. and thats ok. let her know this. dont be angry. show her u understand and accept shes not the one for u, and your not the one for her. you have come to terms with this. and your not asking for anything in return. just peace of mind.... any more advice? write me and i will respond. good luck.
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A
male
reader, Eclectic-1 +, writes (19 March 2009):
Hi all,
just registered,thank you for all the replies so far. If you want to send me a PM, your more than welcome.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): It's more than sexual attraction; it sounded like something almost inevitable at this point. Like she was "fighting" it for so long and now she knows she cant...
She asked if I could handle this while on our 'break' from each other. I played along with the wimp routine telling her she was right, that it was my fault, and that if she felt she needed to, we have to be 'completely honest' with each other.
Kind of like she was completely honest to me about teasing this guy at the just the other week.
So yeah, I told her the only way we could 'get thru' this without me seeing other women on the break was to know everything that's going on....
This should get to me in a day or two by email. It might sound like a guy thing, but to me its better to know for sure this way and have her think I have accepted it than not know for sure when i lower the boom.
I'd rather get hit by the brutal truth than have some doubt about what I have to do.
Unfortunately, facing the brutal truth means two days of waiting have something I can use as closure.
Yes, up again...now 5 am
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Wow. So in less than 2 months she finds another guy she wants to boink already? And she has figured out a very creative way to blame you for this? Wow. That is chutzpah. That is really chutzpah.
(My favorite definition of chutzpah is that it is the quality best embodied in the guy who murders his parents, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he's an orphan.)
You know, maybe she has done you a favor. You now know how she handles a really difficult situation. You now know how much she can be relied on to be there for you. She's demonstrated that loyalty and support to you aren't a priority for her. You're gone for only 2 months?
Okay, she wants a break? You're fine with it. Don't let this ruin your performance on the exam. Just let things glide along until you are able to be there in person and THEN you lower the boom. It's only a few more weeks. You can manage.
Harness that anger and put it to use--let it fuel your studying and job hunt. Plan, plan, plan, and contingency plan.
So you have every right to be furious. Just be thankful you didn't marry her. Whew. And Wow. She's blowing 6 years of the relationship because she can't control her libido? Nice.
Hope you had a good night's sleep. Good luck. Stay strong.
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A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Wow crazy im sorry to hear that!!
That sounds way more intense than anything I have been through. I cant imagine that kind of stress, and still having to study!
Get some excercise, consider your personal and mental health more important than the exam if possible. Of course "if possible" is a big caviat.
Are you guys going to break up or try to work out the issue of her being sexually attracted to someone else? For what its worth, i guess sexual attraction to someone else isnt necessarily the end of the relationship for you guys, it just means you have alot of talking and serious decisions to make.
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