A
male
age
36-40,
*arcusS
writes:I have an issue in my marriage that I am seeking advice. My wife and I have been married almost 3 years, no kids yet, but we have started talking about it possibly this coming year to start trying.My wife told me she was very inexperienced in the 'guy' department. I know she was a virgin when we first made love (she made me wait until we were engaged), and there was physical evidence that she really was a virgin. However, she told me that she did have this one boyfriend that she dated for over 6 months. At first she indicated that she rubbed him over his jeans a few times until he made noises and she knew he came. Well when we got engaged, we had a very heart to heart talk about our past sexual experiences to clear the air before we plan to spend our lives together. She admitted then that this guy "Donny" did pull down his jeans and underwear and she touched his penis and gave him a handjob. She also then admitted to giving him handjobs about a dozen times (not counting the early experiences rubbing him over his jeans).Here comes the problem. You see, my wife's older sister (3 years older) just started dating "Jimmy", who happens to be "Donny's" older brother. The other weekend, her sister was over to visit and said that Jimmy had told her about the time he and his girlfriend at the time walked into his parents family room only to catch Donny completely naked and my wife (who was his girlfriend at the time) 'finishing him up'. He said that my wife looked up, saw him (Jimmy) and his girlfriend and spit Donny's stuff (cum) out onto his stomach and ran upstairs to the bathroom and wouldn't come out until they left. My wife's sister didn't say this to start trouble or be mean, I could tell she just assumed I knew of this 'funny story' (only it isn't very funny to me). My wife and I gave each other looks, but didn't say anything in front of her sister. Later that night of course we discussed the fact that my wife has lied and deceived me. She tried to claim it was just the one time, but I said, yeah right, only one time did you give Donny a blowjob and he just happened to be naked, and you both just happened to get caught. Under duress, she finally said that she 'blew him' about 30 or 40 times, and yes she liked to see him naked so she would strip him naked before going down on him.What should I do? I mean this is a really big deal, but I don't think it's a divorce issue, just more talking or arguing or something. I really feel deceived and like I don't even know my wife any more. I mean she saw this guy naked dozens of times and 'measured' his penis with her tongue. That is a very intimate act, and I'm feeling very upset and not sure what to do about it. If I didn't know for a fact she was a virgin when we got engaged, I wouldn't even believe that part and would get a divorce. Could there be other guys she has done this too and lied about that also? Or was it just Donny and she really did feel embarrassed and ashamed (her words) to tell me because she wanted to be a totally innocent bride. Help Please.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 December 2008):
It's obvious you're upset and I believe you have good reason to be upset. I think you answered yourself when you said:
". . . I mean this is a really big deal, but I don't think it's a divorce issue, just more talking or arguing or something. I really feel deceived and like I don't even know my wife any more . . ."
I'm not acquainted (at least, not that I'm aware of) with either you or your wife. For some couples this WOULD be a matter of "You are NOT what you claimed to be and I demand a divorce NOW!"; for others it's more like "Yeah, everybody does it so I knew all along you must have, too.". You are somewhere between those extremes and I can't even guess how much damage this may do to your relationship - perhaps terminal; perhaps none at all.
Here are some suggestions and factors to think about:
- Your wife probably knows you're upset. She may not know exactly what you're upset about - her previous intimacy, or her misrepresentation. It's probably some of each, but try to uncouple the two things in your discussions.
- What are the "rules of engagement"? For starters, what do you expect from your wife at this time? Confession? Penance? Permission for you to go out and get laid? Are some topics off-limits; when is it acceptable to remain silent? Are your discussions like a sentencing hearing for a convicted criminal - or cease-fire negotiations between belligerent armies - or no-fault recitations of historical events?
- Do you want to know the "whole truth"? Suppose she has, in fact, given blow jobs to half her High School class?
- Your wife obviously places significant value on her sexuality. Don't dismiss that lightly. Compromising those values by engaging in this kind of activity may have bothered her significantly. This, in turn, would contribute to her reluctance to tell you about it. People are most disappointed when they disappoint themselves, and she decided that compromising her forthrightness was preferable to admitting the sexual compromise.
- I hope you give serious thought to "Miss Potter's" comment about your own behavior. How much does your wife know about your sexual history? Does she even have a right to know? Yes, this is getting into the area of "double standards". Many cultures, and even many relationships within our own culture, coexist with double standards. To prevent problems, both parties need to know that double standards exist, and know what standards apply to each party. This might be a good time for you and your wife to review what is expected of each other in terms of both sexual behavior and forthrightness in the future.
- Will there be closure to this topic, whatever form that closure may take? It is certainly noble to "forgive and forget"; it's far more common to "forgive your enemies - but remember their names". Can you and your wife agree to some conditions that bring this incident to an end, or will it resurface in the future?
(I'm rather intrigued that you mentioned being at the point of "starting to have kids". How does that relate to these specific problems? It brought to mind something I read many years ago. Dr Jacob Bronowski, a highly respected scientist and philosopher from the mid 20th century, wrote in "The Ascent of Man" that humans - both men and women - may not be too particular about who they sleep with, but are VERY discriminating about who they have a family with. (See the chapter "Generation Upon Generation".))
p.s. - I hope this thread gets noticed by younger folks on the Forum. About half a dozen times each week somebody submits a question that starts: "I'm 13/14/15 years old and I (will soon have)/(recently had) sex with my boyfriend/girlfriend because it seems like a good time to begin and everybody else has done it . . . ". For the most part, these people won't even acknowledge that there are long-term implications to their behavior. You have shown that there is a LOT more to it than simply deciding that you're "ready to have sex".
A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (18 December 2008):
 I agree with Jim, the first poster. His entire post...
I started reading this, and thought to myself, "He's mad over THIS?" Look, giving head does not count as her no longer being a virgin. I understand she didn't tell you, but was that REALLY necessary information. "Gee hunny, I did give my boyfriend from years ago head. I thought I was going to be with him for a long time, possibly forever." You act as if she should have known that you were in her future. This is really petty and stupid. And if you are REALLY considering divorcing her over THIS, then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Sh*t happens in a marriage, and you work through it.
Go for it. You get out there and TRY to find a COMPLETELY INNOCENT woman. Who has never so much as touched a man. Try it. They are a rare bread that I am personally convinced just don't exist anymore in american society. You got yourself a catch if you were looking for innocence in a woman. Consider yourself lucky that you found a virgin, ok. So what? She gave head years ago, to her then boyfriend.
Personally, I think you have set to high of expectations.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (18 December 2008):
sure there could be other guys but why should you care? I mean yes I'd be pissed too I get that but the bottom line is it was before you right? I mean that is what it boils down too... also do you really want to know every single intimate detail of what your wife did in her past... you sound like you can't even handle what you've heard already... my motto don't ask don't tell but if you ask be prepared to handle what ever comes out her mouth... yes she kept it from you & lied but does it change who she is? no I really doubt that... it her past the past is the past...
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 You didnt say whether you were a virgin too, were you when you got married?
Giving blow jobs is still petting as the previous poster has called it, so she was very inexperienced in bed.
I dont think you should be making a huge deal out of it, try to move on, if you keep on badgering her with questions you really might go down the divorce alley. She made a mistake by lying to you. Everybody lies. It was her little harmless secret, thanks to her blabby sister it is not anymore.
Forgive and move on, once when you will make a mistake yourself you will remember this situation and think that you made a mountain out of a mole hill.
Best of luck x
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