A
male
age
30-35,
*kir
writes:So this past Monday my girlfriend of 6 months split up with me. She's just got back from a week away with her sister and the day she went away told me she had been thinking about it because of how I react to things and how she's constantly worrying how I'm going to react. (This is the short version of it) I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said she didn't want to because it would break her heart. Then I see her Monday at work and everything seems ok (we work together) after she finishes and goes home she sends me a message about needing to talk. So I go round and on the way I get stuck in traffic so I ask her a quick question about if we're splitting up, she said she needs to be honest and that she was going to say we need to break up. I finally get round to hers, we're sat on her bed and she's obviously been crying for a while, and we talk about things and how she can't constantly be worrying how I'm going to react to things or guilty for doing stuff or feeling indebted to me. And I've been seeing a counsellor for CBT and other things which is helping and she said herself in the talk that she knows I've been getting better. I told her that if we had chance and time that this could be better and work. But all she ever said was she's not changing her mind or her decision. We're both still crying our eyes out through all this and grabbing each other's hands and holding each other close. But she says she won't change her mind. I asked if she ever loved me and she said yes, then I asked if she still does and she said it's like she's chasing something she once had and she "knows" it won't be the same. We keep going over different things and talking about it and all she says is she's not going to change her mind. So eventually after we're both just emotional in this, constantly crying and hand holding etc. I ask if I should take my stuff now or leave it and she said whatever's easiest for me and I tell her nothing's going to be easy. But ultimately I decide to take my stuff so I start gathering it together and I break down on the fall crying and she cries more, then I pull myself together a little bit and as she grabs my shirts from beside her bed she breaks down on her bed clutching them to her tight. After a few minutes and we're still both crying we stand up and hug and I ask if this is definitely what she wants. She says yes. And so I tell her to never let anyone treat you bad or wrong and that you deserve only the best. I say I love you, break down and start to walk away and as I'm walking are hands are still together but not right and as I get further away our arms just flop to our sides and as I walk downstairs tears streaming down my face I see her still standing there head down crying. The fact of how emotional this all is and her sudden change of mind makes me think this is maybe a rash decision and I was looking for advice if people may initially think there's a chance this could be salvaged. I love her and she's the best thing that's happened to me and everyone says we're the happiest anyone has seen either of us. It just doesn't feel right. Is there anything I could say (it's been 2 days and we're at work together tomorrow which I'm avoiding talking about things) also during the breaking up she said what if this is the last time we do anything, and said she still wanted us to be friends. Sorry for the long post I'm truly lost heart broken and don't know what to do
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 August 2017):
 I am so sorry for how much you are hurting at the moment. Breakups hurt, regardless of whether you were together 6 months or 6 years. It is because you are also mourning the end of your hopes and dreams for the two of you as a couple. Be kind to yourself and give yourself chance to get over the hurt.
It sounds from your post like your ex cared for you very much. Notice that is CARED (in the past). However, there were traits of your personality she realized she could not live with. She sounds like a very sensible lady - and also a very honest and fair one. Her tears - like yours - were mourning the end of HER hopes and dreams for you two as a couple as well. It was obviously not an easy decision for her to make but the RIGHT one for HER. You have to respect that and leave her to get on with her life.
Use this breakup as an opportunity to work on yourself and to work out what makes you react in ways which were such a deal breaker for this lady. Nobody should spend their life walking on eggshells around anyone else, dreading their reactions. NOBODY. If she cared for you as much as it sounds, but still felt she could not be with you, then whatever you did was obviously extreme enough to drive her away and force her to reach this decision. Ask yourself, if you had a daughter and her boyfriend treated her like you treated my ex, would you be happy? Or if your sister (assuming you have one) had a boyfriend who treated her in this way, would you be happy? If the answer is negative, then you know you need to work on whatever is making you a difficult person to be around. Well done for already starting that journey. Do not give up until you have worked out how you can get past this.
At work you need to be professional and treat your ex with courtesy, like you would any of your other colleagues. I am sure you don't need me to point out that THIS is exactly why it is not a good idea to date work colleagues.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 Its been 6 months! You cant possibly react like that for something that has lasted for this short a span of time. Its not like a 10 year relationship ended! Im not saying that you can quantify your feelings in terms of the number of years that you spent together but you are going too fast, too soon and frankly, its unhealthy.
You need to let her go. I would be very scared if someone who I broke up with reacted in this way. She has decided that its not working, that it will never work and you have to respect her decision without any hopes for a reconciliation. Tears mean nothing OP; they're just a way for her to soften the blow, so that YOU don't blow your top. My God she must be terrified of you! And you have to gather yourself and not make everything so dramatic and stop yourself from coming across this strong.
Yes, break ups hurt. Being dumped hurts even more. And seeing your ex at work every single day is the final straw. I get it. I get all of it. But you have to be wise about how you deal with things. Keep things strictly professional and avoid any personal talk. Back home, continue with your therapy and surround yourself with positive people. And most importantly, leave your ex alone.
There is no getting back together. Don't have any expectations. Don't even think that you can be friends because saying that too was her way of softening the blow of the break up. You need to make a clean break and work on yourself.
Good luck and keep us informed
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2017): I'm sorry but all that drama and theatrics, with the crying and shirt-clutching is too much. You guys were only together six months. Love needs more time than that to be well-established and so deeply embedded.
You didn't explain what your "reactions" are that she is concerned about; but your reactions had to be negative or aggressive to draw concern, and force her to breakup with you.
I think you both were putting on a bit of a show for each other. You thought tears would change her mind, and she outmatched you to make sure you understood her decision was tremendously difficult; but she made it perfectly clear she wasn't changing her mind. You were using extreme emotion to manipulate, she caught-on to what you were doing.
Honestly, I think she was really scared; and thought you might get angry. It is a scientific fact that a crying woman's tears lowers the testosterone-level in men; which will decrease his aggression. It's not 100% effective; but it's a natural defense-mechanism nature provided to protect females. Tears indicate she is at her most vulnerable state.
I think you need to focus on your cognitive behavioral therapy treatment program. Which apparently includes anger management or exercises for your high-anxiety responses.
If she says she doesn't know how you're going to react to things, that's a clear indication that you need a lot more work. She may have cared a lot for you and gave you several chances; but it's difficult to commit to someone who keeps you on pins and needles. I don't wish to hurt your feelings; but she made the right decision. She is correct to stick with it.
I don't think being friends will work either. People may say that, thinking it will soften the blow. They feel obligated to show sympathy for your feelings. You will only continue to cling to the false-hope she will change her mind. If she doesn't, no telling how you'll respond to the rejection. The frustration may upset you to the point of anger.
You do have to work together; so she had to offer the white-flag of truce, in order to maintain a tolerable environment at the workplace.
This situation is a prime example of why I advise people not to use their job as a dating pool.
If you breakup or have a serious disagreement; it's awkward to constantly run into each other; or have to see each other everyday of the workweek. There is always tension in the air, and everyone around you can feel it. It's hard to concentrate on your tasks when your personal-life is crowding and monopolizing your thoughts. Not to mention how she must feel really nervous around you. "Not knowing how you'll react."
Leave her alone. Do your job and keep your distance. Don't make it a problem she has to take to the boss.
Consider it over. If she repeatedly told you she isn't going to change her decision; I strongly recommend that you don't press the issue.
Be cordial and friendly at work, but leave it at that. When the workday is over, go home. Don't attempt to talk. Don't give her puppy-face or stares. She has a right to feel comfortable and safe at her job. In fact, anyplace and at anytime.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 OP, I'm sorry.
Break up are NEVER fun nor easy.
YOU can LOVE someone and not be with them or not be a good match. It's that simple.
Can it be salvaged? I don't think you should try. I think the BEST thing you can do FOR yourself and any future relationship is to focus on your own issues, keep going to see your counselor and keep working on them. GET the tools through counseling/therapy to have control over yourself.
Do go the "we can be friends route" it will not be good for either of you. Be polite and professional at work, but keep your personal life out of it and don't keep in touch outside of work. TREAT her like you would ANY other co-worker.
I don't think she made a "rash" decision. I think she had thought it through and decided what SHE felt was best for her (and you). The tears and sadness over the break up just mean she CARES and you CARE. Like I said, you can CARE/LOVE someone and NOT be a good fit and NOT be together.
And this is not about YOU not being "good enough" or whatever, it's HER feeling you two aren't a good fit long term.
Don't try and change for HER, work on yourself FOR you.
And next time you are ready to date someone? Don't date a co-worker.
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