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*itojim
writes:My 17 year old son has befriended a 58 year old man. He visits him every week and stays all daysays he has a bbq and a few drinks. He says he finds he can talk to the man easier than talking to me or his mother. He receives a lot of gifts some expensive from the man.could he be gay?should I allow the relationship to continue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): i'm 18 years old and you probably dont want my advice, lol. but even though im legally an adult and can do whatever i want my parents, not that i am interested in older men, but hypothetically if i was they would still question the motives, even though it's just friendship. because i dont understand what a 58 year old would man would see in a 17 year old boy. i think you should ask your son when he is free and ask him if he could have like a father-son day or, even just one day ask if he wants to walk around your street to talk "so son, i know you made a special friend (name) look, your 17 years old, your pretty much old enough to make your decisions, but im your father and i just want to protect my son. im not trying to pass on judgements on what your relationship is with joe. i want to get to know this man, invite him for dinner, let's say tommorow. look, im only doing this because i love you and dont want you to get hurt. you guys are 40 years apart, very different stages in your lives, it's very hard to find alot of things in common when you get that far apart in age. even though you will be legally an adult soon and legally be able to do what you want when it comes to relationships, you have to ask if this is morally ok, because you guys still have an age gap? i just want you to think about that." and then when the guy comes over for dinner have a one on one with the guy at one point and ask why he isnt interested in someone his age.
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reader, gayguy16 +, writes (25 October 2007):
 if he knows what he's doing then things should be ok, it puzzles me to know as well if he's gay or not, if he is then it could be a case of him not wanting to come out to parent, i found it much harder for some reason to come out to family than i did friends, give it time and if youve all ready done that try talking to him, it maybe up front to do so but at least you would be honest, and as a fatherto him you should be supportive of you son, i know it may be hard and may be imbarrising for you to ask him but like i say you would be facing things head on, to get to the point, like leanne.od says, be concerned and keep an eye out, even though there is a big age gap your son and this much older man could still be gay or bi-sexual and still love each other, gd luck
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reader, titojim +, writes (27 September 2007):
titojim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all who replied to my question regarding my teenasge sons involvement with an older man. chers
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reader, PsychMaster55  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 to be short and simple, rent American Beauty. He could just be taking drugs. Dont stress yourself out that much, even if he is gay. No matter what, you are his father, and all you have to do is start talking to him. He apparently went to someone else not family related because he might feel he cannot communicate with you or his mother.
Since this action was caused by something the way it is now, something you can try is to start something new. Start talking to your son about normal everyday stuff that you know he enjoys talking about. Start somewhere small and safe and soon you will gain more of his trust, and he might open up to you.
One thing you shouldnt do is repremand him about this "strange" relationship. this will cause him to shield you and possibly his mother and other family members even more so than before. See how that works, you dont have to go that slow, but remember dont go fast or it will ruin future attempts to gain his trust again.
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reader, brooke5426 +, writes (25 September 2007):
 i'm 22 and one of my very best friends is 45. in fact her son was in the year below me in school. maybe thats weird but i met her through work and she is so much fun, she's really funny, crazy and may have been around for 45 years but if you knew her personality i swear you'd think she was 21. what im saying is, maybe it is completely innocent and maybe he genuinely just gets on with him well and likes him. i agree with the person who said to invite him round for dinner, maybe that will give you a better understanding of what he's like and why your son wants to spend time with him and what they have in common. dont assume that they are having an affair straight off. has your son had girlfriends? does he show interest in girls? is there anything else in his behaviour, attitude or opinions that have led you to think he might be gay? you might find that this man, although he is older, is young at heart and they genuinely like each other as friends. dont jump to conclusions because if you go accusing your son of this and you are wrong, you will do a lot of damage and hurt him very badly. get to know the man and find out what they do when they are spending time together, then you will see what it is about the friendship which is appealing to them both.best of luckbrookexx
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reader, starfairy +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Your son probably looks up to this man. It is a little strange, the large age gap, but they both might be feeling lonely.
You haven't mentioned whether your son's father is around? If not, perhaps he is looking up to this man as a father figure? Just as girls need time to do 'girly things', men need time to do 'manly things' with other guys - drink beer, talk about women, you get the picture. Your son, as much as he loves and respects you, can't get that kind of manly time with you.
As for this man, I'm sure his intentions are innocent. Your son probably reminds him of himself when he was younger, or perhaps he is treating him like the son he might not have had. Does he have children himself? Is he married? If he doesn't have anyone, maybe he is lonely.
I would be interested to find out how they met, I'm sure this would be a big clue in the context of their friendship.
I wouldn't rule out your son being gay, but I wouldn't put that as the obvious answer. I think he looks up to this man and respects him and just enjoys his company.
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reader, penta  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Even if he's gay, that's not the problem. The relationship with the older man is. It may be harmless, but I wouldn't assume so until proven.
Ask your son to invite his "friend" to dinner. See if that sets off any bells. This kind of thing dies in the light of day, so shine a light on it.
If your son is gay, he's still your son. I hope that you would continue to support him. But regardless, it's still your job to protect him from possible predators.
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reader, Serinity +, writes (25 September 2007):
 I would be concerned, but I would be cautious as to how you handle this. Yes, it does seem very odd that he is spending so much time with this older man and receiving gifts. For some reason he has bonded with this man and as adults we assume the worst case scenerio. Naturally you want to protect your son, but he is almost 18 yrs. old and will legally be able to leave the nest. If you deny him a realationship with this man, that is the first person he is going to run to. Who knows what this mans intentions are? It could be an innocent relationship, however our parenting intuitions tell us differently. I would be careful not to push your son away by telling him he cannot have a relationship with this man, but I would go to this man and have a mature adult conversation with him. He is old enough to understand your concerns. I would explain to him that you are just looking out for your sons safety and best interests and you would like to know what his intentions are. You deserve to know what's going on, though you may not be able to stop it. If this man does admit that there is more going on than just a platonic friendship, I would ask him to be the bigger man and leave your son alone. Express your concern with the age difference. If your son is gay it is his preference, but he should experiment within his own age group. This is a difficult situation as our instincts want to tell our children what to do so they don't endure pain, but if we are too demanding with children (especially at his age) their first instinct is to rebel. You don't want to lose your son over this. Try to be delicate, yet firm. I really think you need to talk to this other man. Best wishes always!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Very suspicious indeed. I would not even want to think about this 58 year old man's intentions with your son. I guarantee you it will not be to your liking. The problem here is that your son is practically an adult. He is old enough to know what he is doing and what he is getting himself into, to some extent.So yeah it sounds like he could be gay. I guess you can't control your son's sexuality but I do find it so inappropriate for him to be hanging out with this old man. In that respect I would put my foot down if I were you and give him a hard time about it. Make sure he knows that it is weird and that you find it inappropriate. Educate him on safe sex practices and tell him that you do not want him to see this man anymore. Tell him about the dangers involved in old men like that. He might be promiscuous and may put your son at risk. Just be honest with your son about how you feel. Of course it is inappropriate. Make sure he knows that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Whether he's gay or not isn't the issue here. If the old man is, then this would be bordering on paedophilia.
I'd be very concerned for your son's welfare if I were you, and I guess you are too, having posted the question.
I hope for his sake your son knows what he's doing. The gift issue seems to me like an inducement for him to visit. Of course, there's always the possiblity that your son is prostituting himself, especially if the gifts are expensive ones. Does he appear to have a lot more money to spend than before he met this bloke?
Phil
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I must admitt, I dont like the sound of this situation. Theres every possibility that your son maight turn out to be gay if thats his choice but I don' think thats the issue here. What would people around you say if you had boys or girls for that matter of 17 visiting you at your house everyday? They would say that you were a dodgey pervert... i guess. So why have you allowed your son to visit this man? Is he a family friend or someone that you know?
I understand that approaching this subject with your son will be difficult, especially as this relationship (innocent or not) has been allowed to grow and his hormones are all over the place anyway. You are going to find that he feels that you are being unreasonable and refuse to end this friendship.
Do you know where this man lives? If you TELL your son that he cannot see this person, he will anyway, thats a fact, at least if you know where he is and when he is there you could turn up unannounced if need be.
I think the best thing that you can do is sit your son down and speak to him calmly, keep the tone of your voice positive and try to get some answers.
A few things you need to know are, what is this relationship all about - do they just talk? Ask him if before he had met his friend and a mate of his had said he was visiting a much older man, what would his advice have been? Ask what he thinks this mans intensions are and what he would think if you starting bringing 17 year old boys home to be 'friends' with.
Im sure when you put all this to him, he will see how strange the whole thing looks to an outsider. And im sure that if he says he is not gay when you ask him that he will be sure to stay away because im sure his friends are thinking the same too.
You have to find out more about this person, dont take it at face value, how would you feel if he went missing or came home claiming he was being abused. Act now.
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reader, leanne.od +, writes (25 September 2007):
 if you had a daughter who was visiting a man around your age on a regular basis would there be time to decide what is best?
in my opinion a 58 year old man cannot have anything in common with a 17 year ole. there is a 41 year age gap here and if the older man is buying him presents and alike, i'd tell you to be concerned.
you nede to speak with your son and tell him that it's not his sexual preference that is the issue here, it's what a man of 58 wants a boy, he's not even an adult yet.
best of luck
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