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female
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anonymous
writes: If I can get a guys' view on this, I'd appreciate it.I have been with a man for about two years now, in secret (never married, but were both involved in long-term relationships). We have a very close relationship, but not without its hardships and struggles. We both went through a lot so we can be together, faced rumours, and scolding and verbal abuse from everyone we know, and this has been going on for a while now. We haven't yet made anything public, so most of the rumours aren't even true. Everything was fine, we stood together through it all, and our relationship actually got stronger because of it. But about a month ago, I had a bit to much to drink (I normally don't drink more than two light ciders a night) But for some reason I got so drunk that I apparently told him I have multiple sleeping partners and affairs. Now for the love of all good- I have no idea why the hell i would say something like that, because its not true, but because of the severe memory loss I had no way of defending myself. So I apologised to him for hurting him, and told him I'd understand if he doesn't want to continue the relationship. He however did not ignore me, as I thought he would and we kept contacting each other, but it was very awkward and forced. I felt insecure in our relationship and wanted to let him know, but the once loving, patient and understanding manner that we communicated with was gone. We started having less contact and kept it in writing, so naturally more and more misunderstandings occurred. I tried everything to keep my mind of it,so I started visiting some old girl-friends and family members whenever I had the chance (I did not go out). I hardly ever go out, because I know he gets very jealous, but can he expect me to sit around and wait for him, while he has the social life of a teenager. Needless to say, things are a bit out of control, and last night he phoned and started to accuse me of all kinds of nonsense. I couldn't do anything but listen to him accusing and insulting me, so eventually I just put down the phone. This morning I got a message saying "Sorry for what I said to you last night, but those are my fears". How do you convince someone that you are loyal to them and only them, when they obviously believe whatever they want to? If someone can tell me what I should be doing or any advice will be helpful. I truly love this guy, with all his stubbornness and sometimes ridiculous expectations, but I have no idea what to do anymore.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 You know, becuase of your memory loss, and assuming you never did cheat on him...it is entirely possible that he made up the fact that you confessed to affairs.
BUT when you said: "So I apologised to him for hurting him, and told him I'd understand if he doesn't want to continue the relationship."
He took it as a confirmation. If I was him, I would take this as a confirmation of the confession. If you did nothing wrong, you should not be aplogising.
Accusing you of something just to find out if it is true is a tried and tested manipulation tactic. If puts people on the defensive, and sometimes the truth comes out.
I think that is what is going on here, but when you apologised, it made him think there was truth to the allegations.
Then again, are there times you did cheat on him that at the time "would not count", but in a drunken confession does count?
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Call a truce. Time to back up and start over - before you blathered about a bunch of non-truths (God only knows why, maybe you thought he'd be impressed) and before he hurled vicious insults and obscenities at you over the phone. You said things that were hurtful. He's said things that were hurtful. Now you're even. Ask him simply if you guys can start over? No more crap. No more drinking and blabbing about stuff that is hurtful or non-true. No more freaking out etc. If that doesn't work, there's not much you can do but move on. Good luck.
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