A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a new boyfriend and I feel really comfortable with him. But something bothers me. He does not seem to have many friends. Perhaps no close friends at all. He talk about work colleagues. It's as if he arrived in this world and never made friends much. He invited me to attend a couple of work functions but they were very sedate affairs. He is three years older than me and I don't think that is any age difference at all. But he can be uptight when there are other people around. Sometimes he feels like an older man than he really is. The only time he relaxes is when we are alone and he says he can be himself when he is with me.He likes his work and he talks about his work a lot.I have some hobbies but he seems almost half embarassed as if what do is a joke but I like the things I do to relax. Nothing bad. But not as intellectual as him. I have a plot where I grow vegetables and I like growing my own things.And I like making things from the vegetables I grow.Plus I like making jewellery that I sometimes sell at a local Saturday market.He never comes to see me selling my jewellery, he is always busy on the Saturday's I sell the jewellery. Is he embarassed? I think he likes me. He is very nice to me. But I am wondering if in some way either he has trouble making friends. Or if he thinks the things I like doing are just flippant and silly compared to the things he reads.I think what I am trying to say is that I am scared that he might become a stuffy old man and not be much fun. Writing this has helped me to clarify my thoughts and see that although I like how nice he is to me it scares me that he seems to have no close friends. And everything he does has to be important and needed. I wonder if we became closer and maybe had children that he might not know how to communicate happiness and joy to any children we might have. I don't know what brought on this crisis of doubt but can you perhaps analyse what i've said and tell me if I am worrying too much or if the seed of doubt in my mind might have some substance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Well why does it bother you that he is the way he is? What's wring with being reclusive and upright?There's no wrong answer here. Its about whether this is important enough to you that it could break the relationship further down the road when the novelty has worn off and all you see are his flaws and vice versa.I have a friend like him. He is the last person I expected to get married and have kids but his gf was desperate because of biological clock and used him to fulfill her goal of having kids and opting out of the workforce, and he was insecure about never finding anyone better and being alone forever so that's how he ended up as a suburban unhappy married dad. Having kids has made him lighten up a little but just barely. He is still fundamentally the same as always. Repressed and uptight. Intellectual and out of touch with emotions. Having kids didn't shift his entire perspective or anything. Lets face it. You already perceive your bf to be a stuffy old man. And if it scares you to think he will always be like this well guess what - he probably will. Or any changes will be very slight and imperceptible unless he comes to his own conclusion that he wants to change his whole outlook, regardless of you. Or unless some unpredictable life experiences shakes him up and makes him rethink his approach to life. Such experiences are usually "bigger " than merely a new girlfriend.Its unwise to carry on a relationship hoping your partner will change. If you're uncomfortable at the idea of him always being exactly as he is now then he is not the one for you no matter how much glimpses of "potential " you might see here and there. Potential may never come to fruition so you have to take him entirely the way he is now.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Hmm...
Well, I do think that sometimes opposites attract for a good reason. If he's a little uptight and doesn't know how to socialize, then it could be good for him to be balanced out by someone who is more relaxed and social. You can teach him some things in life. You can show him joy and how to have fun... he probably just won't go seeking it out on his own. If he's an intellect, maybe he can bring some more stability and security into your life - intellects enjoy planning and organizing. Maybe he can offer some anchorage to you.
The lack of friends... well, it could mean something. But it could also mean he just doesn't have a lot of close friends. Some introverts have trouble making close friends. And if he's as awkward in public as you say he is... perhaps there is no wonder.
As for whether or not he thinks your hobbies are silly - perhaps he does, but he loves you none-the-less. My fella loves running to the point of torture. I'm talking 20-odd miles in a day. I think that this is absurd. The next day, his feet kill him and he's completely worn out. And yet, every "Marathon Monday", it's the same. He also buys books and never reads them. What in the world?!? Not to mention, his secret love of listening to Ke$ha. Don't even get me started on that one.
But these things that I don't "get" about him, deep down I cherish, because it is what makes him who he is. I don't know if he gets why I live and breathe theater, but he accepts it and he tolerates it.
We all have hobbies and it's not expected that others will understand why we do them. We just like it because that's who we are.
If he is disrespectful, or always negative, or you don't enjoy spending time with him - he's not right. But if he's good to you and you have fun together when he feels he can be "himself" - aka, not in some public place with expectations of behavior - then it seems alright to me. And as you grow to know him more, you'll be able to see if he'll be a good parent. If he shows you care and love, then he'll show the same things to his children.
Perhaps being comfortable with you will help him be more comfortable with himself in other parts of his life. If he's a new boyfriend and hasn't given you any indication of being a jerk, I'd keep with it and see how your relationship and his behavior evolves. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): hi,
I think the problem is that although your partner is a good person and you get along, there is no genuine passion and that is what is making you focus on the differences between you. We can have relationships with people with little shared interests, and the love and the passion is what holds them together, without that there is a gap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I myself do not have any close friends. I find getting that close requires you to do things for them which you probably would not want to do. I also would not want anything from them in return so fail to get anything out of it. I have a pressurised job and numerous work colleagues and when I get home just want it to be me and my husband. I too can only relax with him. I don't want anyone else muscleing in so I really can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I was married before to an extremely sociable man who had loads of friends and found it very odd that I did not have any. He always wanted to introduce me to people, go out and have people round- I hated it. And the marriage did not last. I do not feel that this is the man for you- you are not compatible and you will feel trapped and lonely If you stay with him.
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