A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is wonderful. My family loves him and I love his family in return. He is a mommys boy but I understand why. His mom is a very loving older women from italy and Im a lot like her. His dad is really funny and nice too. My problem here is I think he might become gay. We are very serious and are about to move in. We talk about marriage and having a family all the time. He loves sports, drinking, going out with friends, taking me to dinner and wining and dining me. He spends so much money on me and takes me on trips twice a year. He has a hard time expressing his feelings except when hes drunk- the I loves yous are nonstop but sober I only hear it once a week. He has a lot of friends and spends a lot of time going out with them on sat. and watching sports and talking about his fantasy teams hes in. Typical guy i guess. Im going to list the reasons why I sometimes expect he might one day hurt me and tell me he is gay far down the road. 1. He wont eat me out. He says he doesnt like it. He never asks for oral from me either though.2. always talks about having anal sex with me but I told him he can try it once since he never did it before when we are married. We have sex almost everytime we see each other which is great but he barely wants to at night, he claims he is too worn out from work and tired. (but he admits that he jerks off at night cause its easy and not much work) He always wants to have sex in the morning. I wake up to him trying to every morning, with him initiating it by kissing me. 3. He always says he hates girls they annoy him and are boring, they dont like sports and guy stuff and thats what he likes to talk about. His mom annoys him but he never argues with his dad. He just cant stand girls he says. He has anger problems and is easily worked up. He cant handle stress at all and im currently enrolling him counseling/anger managment. So ill see if that helps. He says he is always attracted to me except when we are arguing then he has no sexual desire. He loves boobs and butts. Not crazily turned on by vaginas but still likes them just not the way he loves boobs and butts. Im a very straight forward person so I have accused and fought and asked him about being gay. Called him names when im drunk. Like if he isnt affectionate enough or gives me little attention, and is all wraped up in his friends when were out I say things like that. And let me tell you nothing in the world makes him madder then when I call him a fag or question his sexuality. He says stop saying s**t like that. Im not Gay!!! I love girls and Love you. Leave me alone and stop saying that bulls**t. He has been so mad at me when I ask him it to the point where he throws things. I do bother him a lot about it because Im not homophobic, I have gay friends, i just have a fear of being with a man that is going to one day be gay. I dont know why I have this fear but it has always been my main one. So thats all for the sex part. He doesnt really like holding hands or hugging tightly. Hes not a very passionate kisser unless we havent seen each other for a while. We dont regularly make out unless were initiating sex. I guess you can say hes just not a passionate / affectionate person. But he does look at guys, he looks at every kind whether old or young. He stares at everyone though. Well we had our final war. I was at his house and he was sleeping. I went to go get a drink and saw an OUT magaizine on his table on top of all his magazines. I woke him up and asked him about it and he said I got it in the mail, it came in a package and the magazine was in there... He said he saw the guy from green day on it and just assumed it was a free promotional magazine like a rock magazine. He said he never opened the magaizine to see it was a gay one. and he likes green day so he just put it on the table. He doesnt think like that to assume gayness when seeing the magaizine named Out. He doesnt know why it was mailed to him. He said maybe to promote some store he goes to like buckle. He said why would I put a gay magazine on my coffee table I wouldve thrown it out if I thought it was a gay one. I guess I do believe him. He belongs to a porn site and has showed me it. It is a womens porn site. He says he jerks off to mostly butts and boobs. He doesnt like lesbians and would never want us to have a threesome with women. Which i thought men always liked. He likes all kinds of music, rap, R and B, B101, and pop. He likes britney spears and has some spice girl songs on his cds. He loves some of those boy bands songs. He once said he had a man crush on matt damon. And I flipped. but he explained that he doesnt crush on him, he just likes him as an actor and he thinks hes cool. Whatever, I dont know if im just being crazy or I have a reason to believe hes hiding something from me. I sometimes feel like Im a cover because hes so close to his family and he wants to have a family of his own one day. But hes not the type to just settle for anyone, it took him 30 years to find me and want to settle. He does have a couple gay distant family members. He is very organized and clean. Hates wires shown. ( his dad is like that too) He has a wierd hand gesture and his pinky sticks out a lot. He goes to the gym faithfully with his friend three days a week and wont go to the gym alone. He says "it ruins our routine when he lifts". I mean He always has a reason for my doubts but I am still concerned. He loves his friends, he loves going out with the guys. He has had three girlfriends but Im the only one he wanted to marry and be real serious with. He dated thousands of girls but didnt sleep with all of them. Hes not a very sexual person. He is sexual with me when hes drunk but on a regular bases hes not freaky in bed or needs sex like some guys thats all they think about. Not him! I initiate our sex 60% of the time. i dont like that he doesnt want to go down on me, and some of the little questionable things he does. He told me he never thought about a guy sexually, never jerked off to a guy and never touched or kissed a guy. When he goes on vacations with friends and four of them share a two bed room. He says its normal. and they sleep back to back. I just sometimes feel like he does look at guys when hes drunk, but I could just be crazy. I dont know thats why I am here to ask. I love him with all my heart and I do want to marry and have a family with him eventually. Besides this part of the relationship and the occasional fights we have. Its perfect. all my friends and his say we are perfect for each other. All my girlfriends even by telling them some of these things dont think hes gay. Sooo please give me your advice. Should I just wait it out and leave him alone about the gay acusations. Or should I go with my gut and leave him to prevent a heartache in the future? I mean I have asked him a thousand times and he says NO He is straight, and gets so mad at me for even questioning him. So thats not an option anymore. I told him its because of our sex life, how hes not always in the mood and isnt very sexual. But he says thats just his personality. He loves having sex with me he just doesnt need it all the time. He jerks off a lot but he said when we move in together he wont as much because we can have sex much more often. We only see each other twice a week now a days since we are both busy and live 30 minutes away. Oh he hates hair, like in the shower if i dont clean out my hair he freaks out, he hates when i brush my hair in the bedroom and get it all over the room. He lets me know when I gain weight and always wants me to wear lipstick and look good. Im a very attractive girl and he is gorgeous but he always tells me he doesnt want me to stop trying to look good and gain weight just because we are in a relationship. He is concerned with how he looks all the time, he dresses nice and goes to the gym and takes a while to do his hair. I dont know. I know that stuff is stereotypical but it adds to some of the other things. So id appreciate your advice. Thanks again. Im sorry for it being so long and detailed I just want to give you a detailed picture so my advice from you is as accurate as possible.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): Dear anonymous my boyfriend sounds just like yours minus the sports. He hates sports. Plus he likes hanging out with girls and gets along with them and prefers them over guys. Has even gone on shopping trips to big cities slept In the same bed with them at a hotel and didnt have sex with them. I fear the same thing u do. If you get this post how are things going now. As far as I am concerned they do not act anything like the rest of the guys I have ever dated. Oh yeah he also said he has a man crush on some dude. I am repulsed by this statement. Your post is old so I hope u get this and tell me how things r now. I would be concerned too if I were u and feel the Same way u do. These guys are just odd. And my gut says gay.
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (24 March 2010):
OK... I'm gay... and going on what you've written I can tell you your man is 90% STRAIGHT.
The things that you THINK make him seem gay... aren't very good indications of sexual preference... at all... and here's why.
1 - Oral sex. MANY men don't like eating p*ssy. And the reason he doesn't as you is probably because he thinks that YOU would expect it from him if he did.
2 - Anal sex. As the previous poster pointed out... there are MANY more men than you'd think who like anal sex... and for the reasons that she points out. Grip. I've even met some women who LOVE anal.
3 - Girls are annoying. Yeah. So, what's your point. He's just sexist. Girls (generally) just like girly stuff... clothes, shopping, mushy movies, etc. He's just doesn't like any of that stuff.
4 - Anger issues. These are not exclusive to gays or straights...
5 - Intimacy (holding hands, being lovey dovey, fawning over you). You have to realize that some guys are just NOT comfortable being intimate - with EITHER SEX. It has to do with how they are brought up. If he lived in an environment were family wasn't physically affectionate... you're not going to get much either. Even though I'm gay... I'm not too touchy-feely either. And I don't make out with my partner unless we're having sex... or maybe for a drunken new years eve kiss. I'm not too terribly comfortable with PDAs (public displays of affection). Maybe you BF also has the same aversion to PDAs.
6 - Looking at other guys... so what. Doesn't make him gay... even if he stares. He could be looking at the guys clothing, hair, jewelry, whatever. Maybe there are a group of people paying attention to a particular guy. He could just be trying to figure out WHY. Again, I'm gay... and there are some women that I stare at. Because... quite frankly some are just drop dead gorgeous! Does that make me straight? NO! Instead of being confrontational... maybe you should find out what, particularly, he's looking at/watching. He might be a real 'people watcher'. Perhaps it's something you can participate in.
7 - Out Magazine. You man is serious. I get two or three of those things per year... and I have never asked for or even subscribed to them in the past. They just pop in. And it's not just OUT either. I get whacked out things that I would never even THINK about subscribing to. It's because somehow his name/address got sold to OUT and they shipped him one.
8 - Porn; Boobs & Butts. I've always heard there are two kinds of men. A boobs man - likes large tits... and a legs man - likes long/shapely legged women. So he likes both. If anything, I'd be concerned that he might get addicted to porn.
9 -Musical Tastes. BIG DEAL. One of the straightest guys I know LOVES Madonna and Cher. Music doesn't make ANYONE GAY... OR STRAIGHT! It's just what someone likes to listen to. HELL he might even end up singing along. SO WHAT!?
10 - Man Crush on Matt Damon cause he's a good and attractive actor. OMG!
Don't you LOVE to watch a particular actress??? Either because she's beautiful, talented or both. Does that make you a lesbian?
11 - 30 years to find you. He just hasn't found anyone worth keeping, until he met you.
12 - Distant gay relatives. SO!
13 - Goes to Gym. SO! I hate to tell you but, even at my gym, MOST of the guys are straight... and I live in the Gayest city in the world. I recently started going to the gym... to lose weight and quite frankly... i HATE going to the gym alone. I can, but it's more fun going with someone. He probably goes with his friend(s) cause they 'compete' with each other. It's what I do with my workout buddies. Helps us 'push' to workout longer, get in better shape, lift more, whatever. Again. It's NOT a gay or straight thing.
14 - Gestures and Pinky sticking out. OH... WHAT... EVER!
15 - He loves his friends. Well... yeah! He's known them longer than you. Right?
16 - Not sleeping with the previous 1k women he dated. Uh... you want a MAN WHORE? I would think you would value the fact that hadn't slept with every woman on the planet.
17 - Sex Drive. See also comment on Man Whore! Men aren't bunnies! They don't have to f*ck every thing that moves (including you). He just doesn't have that high of a sex drive. Something that you're going to have to get used to if you're going to marry him. Also realize that his sex drive just might even diminish over the long run as well.
18 - Clean Freak/Organization. Again... SO! He's just a neat/clean freak. Be glad he's not a total slob. At least you won't have to run around picking up after him. And hair in the bath tub! Eeew! Doesn't EVERYONE HATE that???
Just because he might or even is OCDish (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) doesn't make him gay. I'm far from it... and I'm gay.
19 - Wants YOU to Look Good. Well of course he wants YOU to continue to look nice (not fat) and pretty (nice make-up, clothing etc). If you think he doesn't pay a lot of attention to you now... just stop looking so fine and watch what happens.
Quite frankly. I think you're being paranoid... about nothing. Nothing you have even mentioned even remotely points to your man being gay... in the slightest bit. And you question why he gets upset when you keep harping on him for it. Why don't you THINK he'd get mad? I mean come on... if your man started accusing you of being a lesbian... how would you react? Especially if he kept doing so.
Trust me. Your gaydar is not just out of tune... it's busted!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Its kind of a hard question to answer because I don't know him personal, but every thing that makes you think he is gay can be argued. As far as his him not eating you out, many men don't like to eat women out. Some say its because of they way they taste or because of how wet it is, its very different then giving head they argue because a cock is all skin and a vagina is wet, and soft textured, unlike anything else on the human body. My boyfriend doesn't typically like eatikng girls out either, he will he will eat me once in a great while becaue he says I taste good, but even though I do he still doesn't care for it much. Wit hanal sex, that does not mean he's gay, but its true that the anus IS tighter than a vagina, and some men have a fetish for anal sex. Its more common for men to enjoy having anal sex with a women that some would realize. It dooesn't mean they don't like vaginal sex, they just prefer to have anal sex because to some it feels better. As for say how girls annoy him... it sounds to me he could be a little sexist, just slightly, because he sounds to be a real man's man. I can relate to your boyfriend not really liking vaginas, my boyfriend doesn't really like them either. But not in the way that you think. He like to have sex with, no loves to have sex, but visually he thinks vaginas are ugly, the way some womena think penis's are ugly even though they love to have sex. My man loves breasts too, I'm not sure how crazy he is about butts though. He does enjoy anal sex though, he never did until I got him into it. ( He'd never done it before) So he likes both, I don't think he has a preferance anymore. ( He used to prefer vaginas.) As far as him getting angry with you when you accuse him of being gay, if you are seriously asking him if he is, and often, and you know he has anger management issues, well need I say more? I asked my boyfriend about the Out magazine and he said if he didn't look through it he would think its a regular magazine, and if he was trying to hide it from you then I know he NEVER would have left out that magazine for you to see. Not even on accident. I'm bisexual, so I know that when you are trying to hide it , you do NOT do ANYTHING to let on you might be. As far as not wanting to go to the gym by himself, I refuse to go to the gym alone, its just not fun and a little intimindating when you don't know any one. So I would disregard that as a sign of him being gay. As far as sharing a bed when on vacation with his friends, it is a LOT cheaper than getting two rooms with four beds, especially if two people can share a bed. Me and my straight girl friends do it, and my boyfriend has shared a bed with his friend before too. While it is odd that he likes the spice girls, its not unheard of for men to like women singers, he may also have a little bit of a hormone imbalance which could explain some of his anger issues too. I really do not think he is gay at all. I have a lot of friends that are gay, mostly men, and you really would NEVER guess that they were gay,(other than they do stare at only men and get excited when two men make out nad touch eachother) the stereotype that all gay men are "girly" is completly not true. Out of all my gay men friends 5 only one is actually "girly." I think because it is your fear that you obssess on it a bit too much. For example I really dislike my bf looking at porn ( mind you we live together and just had a baby) because in my last relationship my ex had a porn addiction and would hardly even have sex with me, maybe 3 times a week, but we were 19/20 and living together! We had time, his addiction was just so bad he would look at porn while he was in bed with me. So now I have such a fear that anyone I'm with will leave me for a pornstar or would rather look at porn than have me and it makes me feel soooo depressed and inadquette that I just do not let him look at porn, and so he stopped because he doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel that way. My fear of it is so bad that just this morning ( 2 or 3) The baby had woken up and my bf fed him and put him back in his bassinet, while he was doing so I was having a dream that he was looking at porn and it was so bad I actually woke up saying "you fucking jerk." I mubbled it a little but it was clear that thats what i had said and he was like what??? So I really think you could be overly paranoid because it is your worst fear. At the very most I could see where he may be bi curious, at the absolute most, but i *HIGHLY* doubt it. I think you could benefit from counciling as well. I'm sorry that was soooo long, but I really think it will help you and I hope it has. ( Oh and about the hair thin, it could just be kind of an ewww ocd thing like the way my friend hated when people's bare feet were exposed even in flip flops, he hates hair every where, and it could be because he is super clean lol.)
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 March 2010):
 I will not lie and say you're being paranoid but I will do point out something. He seems like he's metrosexual.Metrosexual men take good care of their looks and want their girl to look good too (david beckham) they are straight but kinda different from straight guys but still straight.this thought never occured to you?
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