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female
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anonymous
writes: I wrote earlier, about my bf looking at underage girls, child porn, or whatever. I wasn't trying to find out what an appropriate age to be looking at this is. For the record he is 20. I was hoping to see if this would be considered a normal thing for a guy to look at a couple of times? I realize it is illegal to exploit children, and produce this kind of trash. Needless to say, I don't intend at this time to leave him, and really was hoping to get some feedbackon the chance of this being a fluke. We have been together almost all the time for 3 years, and I love him very much, so telling the police he looked at this is not something I would do, unless I thought he had done something more serious, which I don't.
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female
reader, samesame  +, writes (24 August 2009):
i want to respond to this based off several years of fighting through this sames scenario. i found child porn on my boyfriend's computer. we have two sons together. you seem to not be going to counseling or have talked to the police or anything. i did (because unlike you, i have children i have to protect). i didn't want to, and i loved him and just wanted to believe it was a fluke. i'm telling you emphatically IT IS NOT A FLUKE! here's why: twenty is young, but not a child. it is old enough to realize how incredibly illegal it is. and so by deciding to look at it anyway, it shows he needs it bad enough to risk going to prison over it. i (we) have been to dozens of counselors, been in and out of court, and talked to law enforcement. is it POSSIBLE someone could have just been curious? yes. but you said in your last post, that you found it more recently as well. this means it was NOT curiosity alone. if that's all it was, he would not have needed to go back and see it again. and what if he's curious about what it feels like to FINGER a baby girl? does that make it okay? no. no and again i say NO. curiousity does not make it okay. the children he viewed were someone's little babies. and they were violated, molested, abused, and exploited. those kids will spend the rest of their lives having incredible emotional, mental, and physical scars. sometimes irrecoverably. something i've learned in all our counseling is that while physical abuse destroys the body, sexual abuse destroys the soul. and by watching it, he is gleaning pleasure from what he is seeing. the rape, abuse, and mutilation of these children. if he didn't get pleasure from it, he'd not have gone back again. a healthy person would NEVER look up child porn. and even if they accidentally saw it somewhere, it'd be enough to make them vomit. they'd never want to see it again and in some cases even need counseling to get over what they saw. so for someone to return and download more is as disgusting a dog returning to it's vomit to eat it. run. RUN do not walk away from this man. as i was saying, i've talked to dozens of specialists. here's the facts. there is no recovery from pedophilic tendencies. in the world of psychology, once someone crosses that boundary intentionally, there is no coming back. it's why pedophiles can never be around children ever. because unlike other depravities, pedophilia is irrecoverable. they've not found evidence that a person comes back from that. it's a life-long battle. i'm not saying he's evil. i'm sure it started out as curiosity. but evil or no, you can't stay with him. if you were to get pregnant, you'd find yourself in a legal battle trying to protect your new baby girl from her father. and i know you don't want to think that about him, God knows i didn't want to about my fiance. but... you have to face the truth. and my fiance was smart, sweet, gentle, well dressed, had a good job... he was the kindest, most contributing member of society i'd ever known. it's why i fell for him. there seemed to be nothing creepy or weird about him. but... by the time a man is looking at kiddie porn, he's crossed a line he can't come back from. and a few other notes, i'm guessing he probably has a porn problem in general and he was probably abused as a child. just a hunch based off generalizations i've learned over this time. but even if those things aren't true, the rest is. and a p.s. the beset serial killers are the sweetest, best looking, charming men. it doesn't mean they won't rape, murder, then hack to pieces an unsuspecting woman. you just CAN'T take your love for him and his unlikelihood of being a pedophile and assume it makes him who you desperately hope he is. i know you don't want to turn him in, but there quite litterally may be children out there who will be molested by him in the future as his addictions worsen. just bring his computer into the police station. the cops will be able to determine even more than you can whether or not he has a reliable history of downloading it. please. there are some of us who have babies we do not want to be hurt. and for every girl who suspects or sees it and does nothing, we (and i include myself in that) will also be guilty for any harm that befalls children. even if he never does anything himself, it's people who ENJOY child porn who keep pedophiles in business MAKING child porn and destroying all those lives just to give our boyfriends a hard on. please think about these things. seek a specialist if you have any further questions. best of luck and courage.
A
female
reader, ap  +, writes (18 August 2007):
I think that my bf likes child porn. I know that he has viewed lots of porn in his past as a teenager etc. (according to him) and i discovered that he has has a liking for child porn (according to his writings, that I snooped over). I do love him but I'm not an idiot, and I don't approve of child abuse in any way. Has anyone really found that there is a way to help someone like this or is it a no-go?
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female
reader, Tell it like it is! +, writes (22 March 2006):
He's a peado, dump him and move on!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006): To some extent, how concerned you should be depends on what your boyfriend is watching. Obviously, if the videos show little kids having sex with each other or with adults then it is truly child porn. But in many countries, pictures and videos of young children (even 5-year-olds) in their underwear, in swimsuits, or even in the nude - though distasteful to many people - are legal and are not child porn. This material is known as "child erotica". Only when the children are engaged in sexually explicit activity or are showing off their genitals in a "lascivious" manner is it child porn. That's basically the situation in the USA - other countries (particularly the UK) are stricter.
Anyway, your boyfriend's statement that he is not getting any sexual pleasure out of the videos he has watched seems suspicious. Why would anyone watch any type of porn or erotic material more than once if they weren't getting some sexual pleasure or arousal from it? So no, I don't believe that it is a fluke. Ultimately, if you cannot deal with being in a relationship with a guy who is also "attracted" to children then you should probably move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): All the previous advice you have recieved is excellent on this page. I need not add more to that, except just a thought ot two. You ask, if this a fluke? Well, you did say in your first posting and I quote:
"I looked at the windows media player, and discovered that he's looked at several videos in the last couple of months, I don't think he realized that once you preview something on media player, it stays there unless you delete it from there?"
From my standpoint, this doesn't appear to be a fluke, dear. I think he has internet porn problems and he's going 'over the edge' into deviancy. You have some big decisions to make...get him help or get out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): Looking at child porn is wrong. These children are severely abused and exploited. Your boyfriend should not be looking at that. If he is, then he is deeply disturbed. You should report the site. The more of us who sit back and find excuses for it, the more these children suffer. These are children! They are victims! Why are you excusing his behaviour and worse why are you excusing that site? Imagine if it was your child. These children are helpless unless ppl like us, who have morals atand up and say something. Silence perpetuates the industry.
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 You haven't really said much about the nature of the porn in question, and I think this could be an important factor. Now, I am NOT trying to justify anything, I'm a female myself and the idea of kiddy porn is obviously repulsive - but I'm wondering whether this was really young kids or more in the way of sixteen year-olds in school uniform? I'll be honest, if it was anything involving kids who appeared to be under the age of about fifteen, then I think you could have a serious problem, and you may even need to contact the authorities despite your misgivings. At twenty, a man may well still find the whole youth thing attractive, but if it's actual children he's looking at, then he knows it's wrong. If I accidentally came across a site featuring little kids, I'd call the police MYSELF, regardless of the consequences, because the safety of children needs to coe before anything else. There are a lot of sites though that operate in a kind of grey area - often using models who are actually over eighteen, but dressed up to look younger. Whilst this is still dubious morally, it's a lot less serious than actual exploitation of kids. You need to have a long think about this one, because now you know about this stuff, if it IS little kids being messed with, you also have to take a certain amount of responsibility - if you have a video of a child, the police may be able to identify the child and get help for that child, which would be an amazing achievement.
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female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (15 March 2006):
You haven't really said much about the nature of the porn in question, and I think this could be an important factor. Now, I am NOT trying to justify anything, I'm a female myself and the idea of kiddy porn is obviously repulsive - but I'm wondering whether this was really young kids or more in the way of sixteen year-olds in school uniform? I'll be honest, if it was anything involving kids who appeared to be under the age of about fifteen, then I think you could have a serious problem, and you may even need to contact the authorities despite your misgivings. At twenty, a man may well still find the whole youth thing attractive, but if it's actual children he's looking at, then he knows it's wrong. If I accidentally came across a site featuring little kids, I'd call the police MYSELF, regardless of the consequences, because the safety of children needs to coe before anything else. There are a lot of sites though that operate in a kind of grey area - often using models who are actually over eighteen, but dressed up to look younger. Whilst this is still dubious morally, it's a lot less serious than actual exploitation of kids. You need to have a long think about this one, because now you know about this stuff, if it IS little kids being messed with, you also have to take a certain amount of responsibility - if you have a video of a child, the police may be able to identify the child and get help for that child, which would be an amazing achievement.
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (15 March 2006):
 I think that you need to really decide if it was a fluke and he was just interested to see it or if he really does have a problem. What he did in my mind and yours is it isn't normal and that sort of thing is wrong, but you need to look at his motivation and possible reasons for doing it.
Has he ever showed any other interest in young children in this way? Is there any pattern to this? Have you ever suspected anything before?
If the answer is no, perhaps it is just a fluke. And in that case are you willing to forgive it and forget it?
In my experience, i have never known a guy who has admitted that he has looked at it. In saying that, there could have been one or two that have had a look just out of sheer interest but I can't be sure.
I wouldn't say looking at it is normal but the interest the whole "wonder why people look at this? what is the fuss about" could have just been too strong for him and he decided to have a look. Does he have that curious sort of personality?
Have you spoken to him about it? I would do that but also maybe consider finding out some information in terms of pyschologically how these things work etc.
If you think perhaps it wasn't a fluke, you could always consider some counselling or a session with a shrink to have a chat about this sort of stuff.
Your action will really depend on if you think it is a fluke or not...it's a tough choice and you need to make it on your own decision about it and what action you take.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): No, it could not have been just a fluke. Unless it accidentally, magically appeared on his computer screen, through no act of his own, and as soon as he realized what it was, he turned it off in disgust.
Honestly - think about it. What kind of person could see a child exploited so completely and not feel disgusted? What kind of person can look or think of a child being used for sex without feeling depressed that such evil still exists, even today?
It's not a fluke.
That doesn't necessarily mean your bf's a child molester, or even that he'll look at the stuff again (though i'd bet that he will). What it does mean is that he's a sick, sick individual. That was somebody's daughter being abused, and he looked at those pictures and felt completely divorced from her suffering. Think long and hard about what that says of his character.
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