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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been suspecting my bf has been unfaithful recently. Just sense a change. When having a text conversation this evening, I went on about how lucky I am to have him. What a good guy he is and how I am glad he is not like other men. I said he makes me so happy and I know he would never hurt me like my ex did. (my ex cheated). I told him how I know he would never talk to other women behind my back because he has integrity and would never break my heart that way. That I believe in him etc.And he said nothing in return to all these compliments. When I said he makes me happy, he said yes, we are happy and then he said he had to go back to doing some research. That is what he was doing before I texted him.I'd like to know why he blew me off after I gave him all those compliments? Surely his research could have waited until the conversation was over?I just wonder why he did not acknowledge what I said at all. Or why he did not say "thanks babe". Or "of course I would never do that to you". Nothing to acknowledge or substantiate what I said.So, now I think he avoided it all because he has a guilty conscience for cheating.Am I over analyzing this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Yeah he is patient with you because he loves you, but patience only stays for so long as well. I hope you get the help you need.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): It is the OP.
Aunt Honesty, you are correct.
I am seeking out counselling to help me work through these issues. Or I know I will sabotage this relationship. And I do not want that to happen. My bf is too important to me. He knows I am doing this and supports me. Thankfully he has been very patient with me as he understands why.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 January 2017):
I think it is clear that these are your trust issues. I understand that your ex has hurt you, but so did mine, I still do not take it out on my current partner. You have been together two years, and yet you are still comparing him to your ex? If that was me I would be fuming, I probably wouldn't even reply to your message at all.
These are your issues from your past and you need to sort them or you will lose this relationship. Men hate paranoid girls, and it is only so much one person can take before they shout enough is enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): hi OP,I read your update, which was written in quite a confused manner (I think I missed a lot of what you were getting at). For one thing, are you saying that your bf thought you could somehow see him when you weren't even home? You think that HE thinks that you've planted a spy camera?!Anyway...I read the critical part of your message- after 2 years he has never ONCE said he loves you?!?!? Honestly I wonder if this is a big part of why you are insecure. That is a very long time for someone to still only have luke warm feelings for you. I wouldn't be comfortable in a long term relationship like that. If he can't say it by now, he doesn't see a future together. As to whether he is cheating, I have no idea. You say you have your reasons and your gut feelings, and although they do seem rather paranoid, why not trust your gut that even if he is not cheating there is SOMETHING wrong or missing, he isn't giving you the love you need.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): This is my take.
OP, you think he is guilty. And by your words, you are trying to make him FEEL guilty. Trying to kill him with kindness. You are hurting very deeply. And you are trying to PUNISH him for your pain. You want him to feel the SAME pain you feel. You are projecting onto him. You're doing it on purpose to make him feel like garbage IF he is cheating. Trying to keep him in line. Appealing to his conscience.
But nothing you say. Nothing you do will EVER stop him IF he is cheating.
Cheaters DO NOT have a conscience. They will do what they want without a concern for your heart or feelings. They are the MOST selfish of people on this earth. What makes it worse is that EMPATHY does not fire off in their brain. It is disconnected. And this is why they are so dangerous and do what they so well. They are wired all wrong.
Men like that have NO HEART and NO soul. No matter how good you treat them, you will never be enough.
OP, your follow up of him being able to contain emotions, being passive aggressive and my guess withholding LOVE from you is enough to make you feel insecure. And based on this kind of character, why would you feel safe with this man?
It seems to me you are torturing yourself needlessly. The question is WHY?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 I agree with WiseOwl, I don't think your text was a "compliment" at all either.
If my husband "complimented me with an almost veiled threat to NOT be like his ex" I would not say THANK YOU! I don't think being compared (in any way) to an ex is a compliment. It just shows that you haven't dealt with that past issue and haven't totally let go of the ex-bf either. You are still letting the ex bf "rent" space in your head and your heart.
And I agree that If you want to give him a compliment GIVE it in person and with no inclusion of an ex bf's BAD deeds.
EVERYONE have been hurt in a past relationship. It happens and it sucks, but don't carry it like a badge of honor or an excuse to try and make a guy think you are constantly comparing notes on him and the ex bf.
And lastly, if you think he HAS been cheating recently, WHY are you still with him? And why would you give him praise for being SUCH a great guy if you think he hasn't BEEN a great guy? It makes NO sense.
SAY what you mean and MEAN what you say. Don't leave things up to interpritation or hints or guesswork.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Number one, he was in the middle of doing research; while you're sending him a lengthy "text message" about how wonderful he is. Compliments are much more meaningful when they are said in-person, when you can emphasize the feeling or emotion behind them.
I'm going to play the devil's advocate, and give you a little to think about.
He was surely taken by the nice words, but was purely distracted by what he was doing.
If I did like you; and decided to judge, over-think things, and jump to conclusions. I'd say he must get a healthy supply of your emails daily; and he just accepted it as something nice, and continued doing his research. It would have been more meaningful if you said it over dinner, or just while cuddling together watching a movie.
The context and tone of the email seems less of a compliment; and more of an inquiry with a hidden agenda.
He may not care to be compared to your ex; or appreciate negative generalizations about men. Who does?
Why was your ex still on your mind? You were showing insecurity by subtle implication. Telling him he wouldn't cheat (but are you?), or talk to other women (have you?); he may have even assumed you were setting him up for the oncoming inquisition; because you've got something going on in the back of you mind. We've got your post, so here it is out in the open. You were uncomfortable he was out of your sight and decided to send him a message to see if he'd respond and account for his whereabouts. You don't trust him in spite of your compliments.
He doesn't have to react or comply according to your mental-script of what he should, or could, have said. It was a text message. He was busy. You didn't seem to care that his mind may have been on something more important. Your compliment was an interruption; but he should have dropped what he's doing to to say "thanks babe?!!" His reaction was silence, because he didn't want to initiate a conversation while he was in the middle of doing something. None of us, nor you, can read his mind. Let alone accuse him of anything without evidence!!!
Compliments are to be taken as you choose, and your reaction is based on how you feel about the words. If you don't fish for them, your reaction is up to you.
You are correct, it's polite to thank the giver; but it also depends on the motive behind the compliment. He knows you. WiseOwlE, is teaching a lesson here; so don't be offended. Take heed to the wisdom and the message, my dear. He knows you're insecure and dealing with the PTSD behind your ex. Only he doesn't have to suffer for it.
Grow-up, get a grip, and flush all memories of the defunct Mr. Ex! "Why is she sitting around thinking about what her ex did to her, what will I have to do to finally get him out of her head?!!! I'm her boyfriend now! Is she implying I must be out doing something behind her back? I'm here doing research for crying out loud! What's going on?"
Must he be reminded of you every moment he's away from you?
Is he not trusted enough to assume he does it on his own anyway?
Don't throw a compliment and reel it back; then replace it with suspicion and accusation. Otherwise, you're exposing the real thought was not a good one to begin with.
Let this one go. You are really not being fair to assume the worst about someone you were just complimenting. If his history and actions have proven him to be a good man, then just love him for it. Keep your ex out of your compliments, and stop bashing men just because one stung you. Women are not perfect and also cheat. A cheater isn't a cheater without someone to cheat with. The other person involved is not always an innocent victim; in most cases, they knew what they were doing.
Loaded compliments are sometimes more transparent than you think!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Thank you for your answers.
It is the OP.
This is why I believe he could be cheating.
I sent him a Snapchat message last Monday at 5 p.m.
He responded to me at 8:50 p.m. that same night.
He said (exact words):
"Were you watching me?
I was just about to text you as you buzzed.
It’s happened a lot lately.
Hmmmm?"
I did not JUST text him. It was FOUR hours earlier that I sent my message. So, how could he have JUST received my Snap? And I could not have JUST buzzed him. I am not sure why he said it's happened a lot lately. I never noticed that.
He explained to me he heard a buzz and thought it was my Snapchat and opened it and answered me.
He knows most Monday nights between 8 and 9 I am teaching a fitness class at a studio so receiving a message from me in that time frame would be unlikely.
He also explained that his Acer phone has way of delaying notifications. He thinks he had delay messages indefinitely selected by accident. And maybe the notification was delayed. Not sure if this happens at all. And not sure if the notification rings through in real time if it has been sitting for awhile.
He seems more distant lately. I have been with him 2 years.
I have struggled with my trust issues due to my ex. It has not been easy as I am afraid all men will hurt me. And I cannot go through that kind of devastation ever again. But he also makes me feel uneasy a lot. He is not an emotionally open man. And he is much more introverted than I am. He can control his emotions and this has always scared me. He is also passive aggressive and is the type who likes to please people and wants people to like him. He is also quite charming. He gets along better with women. He's just got this way about him. No, he has never said "I love you." But I love him.
I have had pangs of a "gut feeling" or paranoia all along in some way. I have dismissed them all or he has talked his way out of all my concerns. I have believed him. Apparently, I am the one who suffers from anxiety and a wild imagination. But I just do not want to pull the wool over my eyes if he is cheating on me. I have been wanting peace of mind for a long time. I find my feelings are eroding for him because I believe he is capable of doing bad things to me. It would take forever to say why. But I just do. We have a great relationship and I feel he is my soulmate in many ways but the trust issues have always been in the way. I find it harder to live with the worry. My concern is he is cheating with someone while wanting to keep me too. Because I am still his favourite. And trying to hide it all but his words and actions do not match. And sometimes he has unexplained bruises and marks on his body.
I think the Snapchat was meant for someone else. Contacts are in a list form on the app. I think he may have opened the wrong chat window by mistake. That was quite a slip up. But is it concrete evidence? No. This has been the ongoing problem. There have been enough instances for me to feel uncomfortable but never enough evidence. So, I just do not know what to do anymore at this point. I love him and that is why I have hung on. But I have been asking myself how can I love him? How can I love a man I do not trust to have my back?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Has he ever told you he loves you? If he hasn't then I would say yes he was overwelmed and he didnt know how to respond without commiting himself. I think if he doesn't love and has no future plans with you he will start running now. Wait and see.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): The me factor will cause such moments to occur in your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Maybe he's just overwhelmed at what you text. Its compliments, but are they compliments that are actually revealing your insecurity? You expected him to say "thanks, of course I wouldn't do this things/thanks babe - I'd never cheat on someone as wonderful as you..." Had he said this, it would've comforted you that he is different etc... You don't need to bombard your boyfriend with gushing text messages about how he is unlike other guys and that he would never talk to other women behind your back. It kind of sounds like you're telling him not to do those things, but disguising it as a compliment to make it sound less needy. If my partner sent me something like that - out of the blue - I would find it a bit odd. It's like you want to say 'don't cheat on me, don't talk to other women etc...' but that's obviously controlling and comes across as quite jealous. So instead you've said 'I KNOW you wouldn't...' but it still kind of sounds like the tone is 'don't do the things'. You clearly had a shitty ex but don't let his actions of the past impact your future happiness.
Don't take it personally that he didn't reply how you thought he could. Just relax in this relationship and remember that this guy is not your ex. No one enters any relationship knowing if the person they've met will cheat on them, and I can't believe anyone would enter a relationship but think 'I'll cheat when I get a chance'. All you can do is know in your heart you wouldn't cheat and you trust that your partner feels the same way. Remind yourself of why your new partner makes you feel safe and secure in this relationship.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 I think this is pretty weak evidence for cheating. Maybe giving us the bigger picture would help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): I think that having the conversation over text makes it very hard to judge why he responded the way he did. It could actually be that he was offended, feeling that you were comparing him to the ex (even if it was meant complimentary). He might have seen it as "oh no, here she goes on about her past heartbreak again"Or he may have been uncomfortable with you making him the "hero" and the ex the "villain" for similar reasons. He may have felt that you were pressuring him to live up to this vision of him as your savior. OR he may have felt that you were suspicious (which is right) and that this was a way of 'digging further" so to speak, and he was not going to indulge you as he was irritated that you were essentially questioning him with reverse psychology. OR maybe your fear is right and he is cheating. Just don't jump to conclusions. I think you'd get more out of an in-person, honest chat, and you could gauge his body language and reactions better. You could sit down with him and explain that you do have fears about men cheating on you, and ask him if it is something he has ever struggled with in the past.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2017):
 Yes, it is irrefutable proof he is cheating as he would have gushed back if he didn't have a guilty conscience. You need to dump the cheating scumbag immediately! I am pulling your leg of course, just to demonstrate to you how OTT your reaction sounds. In my experience, your average bloke is not half as "wordy" in texts as your average woman - especially one who is feeling insecure and fishing for reassurance while she has time on her hands, which you very obviously were. Men tend to just reply the minimum they have to. (You are very lucky to have got what you did; my bloke, if he had bothered answering at all, would have answer "K" - not even OK! He's lucky I haven't dumped his cheating ass all these years!). Also, your boyfriend was AT WORK. Why are you sending deep meaningful texts to him while he is working? That is hardly fair. One part of your text which made me take a sharp intake of breath was the bit about him not being allowed to talk to other women. Sweetheart, get a grip. Of course he can talk to other women. They are human beings, just like him. Unless he lives in a bubble somewhere, he is going to have contact with other women on a regular basis. This man is not your ex. You have to either trust him to behave or, if you don't trust him, let him go. You don't say how long you two have been together but I get the impression it is not very long. If you have real reasons for feeling he is cheating, either get them in the open and sort them out or dump him. Don't torture yourself. If you DON'T have anything more concrete than him not sending you a wordy text while he is working, then give him a big hug and get on with enjoying your relationship, instead of looking for reasons it will fail.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 When we are going to unload to somebody else with the expectation of a certain response we should really pre warn them its going to happen, for example, there was your chappie, beavering away at some research, when, out of the blue you contact him and tell him a whole lot of stuff about how grateful you are he is who he is, and not somebody else ... ie a cheater!
Your chap was probably thinking about his research, and what he had discovered so far during that research and where his search might take him next ... he didn't get the memo that he was supposed to say "thanks Babe" nor did anybody tell him he was supposed to say "oh, of course I wouldn't do that" and now, because his research was interrupted and then when you had finished your say so he could get back to the research, because he didn't react the way you wanted him to he must be cheating.
I think, if he knew he had missed the memo and that certain words and actions were required after your monologue he would be rolling his eyes.
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