A
male
age
51-59,
*ostKnight
writes:Hello. I'm new to this kind of thing, but in reading over some of the other submissions, I suppose the way is to simply spill it.I'm a three-year divorcee from a marriage that I put my all into, and was met with a faithless, and ultimately decidedly loveless spouse. After ten years of getting all she could get out of me, she finalized the ending by having an affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend in my own home, in which I had given him a place to stay until he got on his feet. Yeah, I know; I HAVE to be the world's biggest idiot, but that's neither here nor there. In the end, I wound up with the house and custody of my daughter, so I smell as much like a rose as I could have under the circumstances.The issues begin with how it changed me; I was never a suspicious or jealous person; in fact, I had often been the butt of many of my friend's jokes as the "hopeless idealist" of the crowd, who always looked at the world through rose-colored glasses.Well, that went away in a hard fashion. I've become very territorial, and gaining my trust is now only slightly less difficult than walking to the moon.I've dated several women in the past three years, gotten fairly serious with one...but have never been able to overcome the trust issue...and have never found one to be that "one" that I want to be with. I don't mean to imply that I'm unfair; on the contrary, I've tried very hard to trust women I've been with, but I've always found things that I just couldn't live with.Now, the issue at hand: I feel with all my heart that I have found that "one".I have been seeing a woman for the last couple of months that has completely blown through all of the trust issues and defenses that I have so meticulously constructed: try as I might, I have yet to find any reason to doubt anything she says. Let me qualify that: She's still legally married, still living with her husband, albeit he sleeps upstairs in a seperate bedroom, and has for the last four years. The reason she gives me for this arrangement is that at first, for the benefit of convenience and for their children's sakes, and now moreso because of financial difficulties they've had with a failed business that they are waiting to finalize bankruptcy on. Believe me, I had SERIOUS issues with that, but she and I have discussed my issues in depth, and her calm attitude has always been that if I would just stick around, everything would be proven to me...and thus far, she's been right. I've sat next to her as she's told her husband where she's at, who she's with, and that she's intent on getting a final divorce now that she's fallen in love, regardless of the bankruptcy issue. She's gone as far as to bring a lot household items to my home (dishes, coffeemaker, cookware), where she spends as much time as possible when both her child and mine are out of the households, and we have discussed in depth our intent to spend our lives together, and how much we both think it's meant to be. I've spent time with her children; she's spent a lot of time with mine...basically speaking, it's like a storybook...it's as close to perfect as I can envision, despite my unconscious efforts to poke holes in it.Another wrinkle is that shortly after we became involved, she was diagnosed with CHF. She's undergoing treatment, and the prognosis is optimistic, but she is in a position where she is on disability and unable to work. As far as she and I are concerned, that's not an issue; I do well enough to support the extra people in the family, so no worries there. However, as a result, she cannot afford the divorce at this time, and her husband, while accepting of the fact she does not love him and wants to be with me, refuses to grant her one until he deems himself financially secure enough.Well, in my restored idealism, I offered to come up with the money for it. She fought me hard on it for several days, saying she didn't want that potential for resentment or to begin our lives in any debt, but I persisted...and she finally relented. I've been exploring options, and it's been a tabled subject.However, several times in the past few days she's asked me about it...and I'm beginning (most likely in my mind) to feel pressured; like everything is pinned on me...and resulting from THAT, I find myself wondering "well, once you take care of THAT little problem for her, she'll be free to do what she wants...and you'll have been a sucker once again". I know it could simply be that she's anxious to be with me...but I worry it's just because she's anxious to be out of THERE. It's tearing me apart; I don't dare broach this with her; if I'm wrong (which a great part of me believes that I AM), then I'm bascially telling her that I don't trust her, and have no real faith in all the dreams we've discussed.I have no doubt that I love this woman; as hard as I find it to believe, I know that I do. I also have no doubt that she loves me. That's the pain of it; I DO believe, for the first time in quite a while, in love. I feel like she's brought that back to me......so why am I worried? I tell myself that if I have these doubts, that I should reconsider the whole thing...but then I think about the irrational issues that I've had, and wonder if perhaps I'll be messing up the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me if I can't let go.I know there's more than likely no advice that will help me, but I'm desperate. I'm happier than I've ever been...but I can't get this nagging out of my head on this note.Any help would be appreciated...but if none is forthcoming, thanks for listening.
View related questions:
affair, bankrupt, debt, divorce, jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Divorce is only a formality NOT a necessity. Think about it... does it make any difference to you both (at the moment) whether she's divorced or not? You both love each other and want to be together, THAT is your priority! You don't NEED a divorce to make that happen! Think of what else you could do with that money. Why should you pay for a bit of paper that legally says she's divorced. She's divorced him in her mind anyway so what difference does a bit of paper make? I was seperated from my first husband 12 years before he eventually "agreed" to a divorce but it didn't stop me meeting and falling in love with someone else. It didn't stop me getting on with my life, as soon as we seperated I WAS FREE... Can you see where I'm coming from? Think of it this way, why SHOULD you help HIM have his freedom again? If he goes bankrupt then he'll get legal aid and it won't cost him a penny for the divorce. Will her NOT being divorced make the slightest bit of difference on how you both feel about one another?In a few years time if you both decide to get married then yes, I divorce will be needed but you have PLENTY time!It's another avenue you could discuss with her...~Eve~
A
male
reader, LostKnight +, writes (6 March 2009):
LostKnight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for VERY sound advice. You have made me understand something that makes a huge difference: at this point, I shouldn't EXPECT full and complete trust...but I have every reason to have FAITH...and trust will be the reward for that faith if all things are as my heart tells me they are.
I do believe that realization, coupled with her patience, is exactly what I need to get me through this.
Thank you!
...............................
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (6 March 2009):
LostKnight,
First of all, I'm sorry for the loss you had in your marriage, and congratulations for the progress you've made and the hopeful situation you find yourself in today.
Three years ago you learned your "radar" was not well tuned when it came to human behavior. In all likelihood you had previously ignored warning signs and intuitions that something might be wrong, because they clashed with the way you wanted to see the world and love.
The silver lining of getting hurt is learning what things are harmful, and how to better avoid injury.
Over the last three years, you've been trying to integrate the trauma of your marital breakup with your previous worldview. By your account this has been difficult, and no doubt a depressing experience. Perhaps you've experienced a sense of alienation from yourself and/or those around you.
It must have been a feeling tremendous relief to meet someone who allows you to trust again, to feel love again. Like coming home.
I think it is important at this point to recognize that you will not, and are not supposed to, love and trust exactly like you did before. And this doesn't mean that you are less loving or damaged in some way, or that you are punishing anyone, but rather that you are more mature.
It sounds like the woman you are dating is pretty mature; that's a good sign. She recognized before you did that offering substantial financial support to someone you've known for only a couple of months can be lead to mixed feelings. There is a saying that goes "before you lend money to a friend, decide which you want more." If we are charitable (no reason not to be), she wanted the relationship with you more than she wanted the immediate freedom money would buy. She may have recognized that trust isn't something we automatically owe to a person we are attracted to, that we want to get to know better, that we can imagine a good life with. Trust is something that is earned over time. Heartbreaks teach us that we have to be careful with our hearts, because others won't always be.
You describe your former self as one with "rose-colored glasses", a "hopeless idealist", "restored" to his idealism by "the one". Perhaps that idealism equates love with trust, believing that if you love someone enough you must trust them. But as humans we are capable of feeling love for someone long before we truly know them; this is something your marriage should teach you. And the foundation of trust is not simply emotion, but also knowledge. Two months is plenty of time to fall in love with someone, but not a lot of time to know them.
You love, but you worry you are being used.
It is possible you are being used.
The thing is, it's too soon to tell. Worrying is generally a sign of trying to make a decision without enough information. So is trying to poke holes. You want to hear that it is safe to love her and give yourself financially to her, but you don't have enough information to know that.
That doesn't mean you don't love her. That doesn't mean you cannot or should not help her. That's your call. But if you do so, and in so doing you worry about the relationship (and you will until you get to know her better), and you keep that worry from her, it could be a hurdle to the relationship: exactly as she originally predicted. Smart lady. And your worry could prove valid. Smart guy.
Speak up. Tell her Her 1, You 0. You want badly to be able to automatically and completely trust someone you love, but you've been betrayed by people you loved, and it is harder than you thought. Maybe you still want to help her out financially. That's fine. But whether you both consider it emotional baggage, or simply prudently taking it slowly, you did yourself a disservice by ignoring the risk of giving yourself too quickly and then fearing being taken advantage of. Maybe you wait. If you proceed, you need to do it at your own pace, with her understanding.
It sounds hard, but I imagine this is the kind of talk ladies have to have with guys about sex all the time when dating. The "I love you, but we need to go slow, so I can feel comfortable" talk.
And as we tell the young ladies here, if (s)he loves you, she'll be willing to wait, and go at your pace.
Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Trust AND money... those are big ones. Its always a struggle with the people you fall in love with because no matter how close you two feel, the reality is that you have really not known each other THAT long. That being said, I don't mean you should not trust her, but remember not to be blinded by your feelings. When something is making you uncomfortable, it is a valid issue because your feelings are real!
You seem like a really good person so realize that you have every right to communicate your doubts without fear. Just be very honest with your feelings and how you feel conflicted. If this is a woman you'd like to marry, you should be able to talk freely and she should as well.
Speak your minds! Because at least then, everything is out so there is no more speculation and struggling on your own. As partners, you need to be comfortable sharing and supporting each other. And me personally, I have trust issues as well, but I've found that once in a while, when someone is so worth it, I am more okay with being hurt because I would have rather gave it my all then regret having held back.
All in all, stand up for your feelings. Be respectful and you will be respected in return. You have every right to feel however you do and the right person will support you. And if you do end up making significant financial contributions, then do so from a good place and remember that YOU chose to do so and don't ever use it as a basis for resentment. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (5 March 2009):
 a few months is not very long to have known someone in the greater scheme of things, so i think you are being sensible to be cautious before handing over money. i think helping with the cost of a divorce and taking on the cost of the whole divorce are very different. also, if u love her enough to spend your life with her, then you need to be able to communicate with her. you dont have to say you don't trust her, but simply say to her that while your really happy that she seems so eager to be with you, it is making you feel a little pressurised to come up with the money, and that with or without the divorce you love her and will wait as long as it takes to be together. I really hope this helps, take care x
...............................
A
male
reader, LostKnight +, writes (5 March 2009):
LostKnight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with that completely; one thing I most certainly do NOT want to happen is for my fears to push her away...
The issue about the money for the divorce is simply this: She fought me hard on it, but now it seems that a day doesn't go by that she asks if I have come up with it yet. I totally acknowledge the possibility (indeed, most likely PROBABLITY) that it's just that she's excited by the prospect of hurdling that obstacle and being that much closer to US being together...but I perceive (note I said that; I don't assume that this is correct) an uncomfortable change in her attitude about the money issue, and that rings alarm bells from my past experiences. Even though my heart feels it, it's tough for me to say that "Hey, I know you've only known this woman for a couple of months, but you should TOTALLY trust in her".
...but in the end, you make an excellent point about punishing HER for what OTHERS have done...perhaps I've done enough of that, and her patience and caring for me should be rewarded with my total faith...isn't real love always about taking chances?
T'is a difficult thing...I wish it wasn't:(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): I understand doubts we all have them from what people have done to us in past relationships. And although you should most certainly learn from the past and be more cautious you cant punish this woman for something another did to you. You will end up pushing her away. And if she files for a divorce he cant stop the process, sure it will take longer but ultimately she will get her divorce. If she cant afford one could you possibly help her out? I think that if you want to be with someone that bad then you make it work, period. It sounds to me like you are just looking at all the negative and the reasons it CANT work instead of looking for thr good in what you two can have together.
...............................
|
