A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm falling apart trying to deal with my fiance's questionable past. I've been reading similar posts from other guys on the subject for the past few months, and although they've helped a bit, the extreme nature of my case leads me to create my own post on the subject. As I type out this post, I really begin to realize how completely convoluted the situation is, so pardon the fact that this is novel length. The reason I'm writing this post is in hopes someone can help give me advice, that by writing all of this out it may help me feel better about it, and also in hopes that the extremity of my situation may help other guys to not feel so bad when their girlfriend tells them she's had sex with 20 or 30 other people.I'm 26 and she is 28. I've been with this woman for about eight months now. Within the first month of meeting her and starting our relationship, she asked me how many people I've been with. I told her I'd been with two other girls and that she was my third. She seemed very surprised and then informed me that she doesn't know exactly how many people she's been with, but she'd estimate the number to be around 250 different people. She is bisexual, so she told me that many of them were girls, but that did not make me feel better. She once put it into perspective for me by telling me that even if I had sex with one new person every day for the next eight months, I would still not have been with as many people as her.In addition to being bisexual, at the time we met, she was not a believer in monogomy, and felt sex with many different people was just part of who she was. At the time, it did make me very uncomfortable, but I was very interested in her, we got along very well, and I was just generally happy to be with someone after a year of being alone and two years of being in a really bad relationship. So, I ignored the fact that it made me very dissapointed and sad, and pursued the relationship.She quickly informed me that she had a child, and I was okay with that for the most part. I later learned that she had a second child which she gave up for adoption. Both children were born out of wedlock to bad men who she now goes out of her way to avoid. The older child, which she kept, was not the biological daughter of her now ex-husband, though he assumed fatherly duties. The fact that she is divorced and the fact that we have to see and deal with her ex-husband weekly also makes me very unhappy.The first two months of our relationship were both very fun and very awkward. She was just getting divorced (she was a swinger), and just breaking up with one of her boyfriends when we met. Infact, during the first week of seeing each other (prior to us agreeing on being in a relationship), she had sex with her ex-husband, her ex-boyfriend, and me. Further, a week or two before we met, she slept with some random girl at a party. At the time, I was under the impression that I was her only partner, and did not learn until four months into the relationship that she had slept with those other people since we met.I was quick to explain that I was not looking to be in an open relationship, and that I did not want to be with her if she was not willing to be monogomous with me. Over the course of the first two months, we broke up and got back together many times, half of them because she was not willing to commit, and half of them because I was unhappy that she was not willing to commit. She eventually conceded that she would give monogomy a chance because she was in love with me and did not want to lose me over that. Given her past, I was not entirely satisfied with her just agreeing not to have sex with anyone else, I also wanted to know if she really only desired me, or if she was just resisting the urge to be with other people. To this day, she still has an unbelievably difficult time telling me that I'm the only personshe desires. She tells me I'm the only person she wants to be in a relationship with, but still tries to hold onto the idea that she can have sex with someone outside the relationship. I trust that she is an honest person and won't cheat on me, but given the amount of struggle involved with getting her to say she only wants me, I'm not entirely certain she is being truthful.Her sexual interests are very widespread. She's basically into everything except for seriously painful stuff and beastiality. I, however, am not, though I've made various attempts to support her interests despite the fact that I'm not into bondage and S and M. She also informed me early on that that in addition to be extremely promiscous, that she used to be into some very heavy drugs, including coccain and heroin. Mind you, she claims that the majority of promiscuity and drug use was ten years ago or more, when she was in high school, though it was evident that her sexual nature was still very active when we met.I can be okay with the bondage stuff. As long as it's between her and I, I'm up for most anything, even if I'm not expressly interested in doing it. She is also an exibitionist though, meaning she enjoys having an audience during sex. She's suggested multiple times that we have sex in public places. This really really bothers me, since I strongly feel sex is a private thing between two people that love each other, and I'm completely wierded out by the fact that she wants other people to watch us be intimate. To me, exibitionism seems like porn, and I have no respect for people in porn. It is very obvious that she is not ashamed of her sexuality, that she is very open about it, is willing to discuss it with other people, and in many ways is completely desensitized to it. A good example of desensitization? She enjoys playinggangbang sex videos while she works around the house as "background noise".As time went on, we fell in love, but all the while I was stuggling to deal with how I felt about her past and her outlook on sex. She would often try to tell me stories of her sexual exploits, mostly with other girls, and it always made me very unhappy and uncomfortable. It was worse when she talked about other guys, but girls still bugged me too. The fact that I was not all that happy and excited abouthearing about her having sex with other women bothered her. She explained that usually when she told guys about her lesbian sex, they'd love it and want to hear more. I tried to explain to her that I'm pretty sure those guys didn't really care about her, and especially not how I care about her. A guy that wants to get into a woman's pants is going to be very happy to hear her talk about sex at all because itmeans she trusts them enough on the subject that they may get laid. This escalated the point where whenever she would be talking about her sexual stories with friends (which was relatively often), I would get very distant and upset, and that made her very angry. She now feels like she can't mention anything about her sexual past without upsetting me, and that's not entirely untrue given the scale and depth of itand how I feel.As I mentioned before I've only been with two other women. Not because I'm unnattractive or bad with girls, but because I'm very much a"one-woman" guy. I don't like the idea of having sex with people I'm not interested in being with or possibly marrying. It's a self respectthing. I've expirmented with drugs before (worst I've done is acid), so that subject is not as touchy for me (though it still bothers me tothink about her shooting heroin, snorting coke, and taking ecstacy before participating in orgies or getting gangbanged). I tried my best not to let this stuff bother me. I told myself the events of her past make her who she is now. I told myself I need to focus on the present and not dwell on the past. But she would often make comments that would remind me of how much she used to get around. She once told me, "I give really really good head, but I don't give the best head to guys I intend to be with, because then they'll expect it to be that good every time." To me, it sounded like she said she gives the best oral sex to guys she's just fucking for fun and doesn't intend to ever see again. Another thing she said one time, as we were being intimidate, was that I needed to pinch her nipples harder because they've been so used and abused over the years that they aren't very sensitive anymore. This really broke my mood and the sex turned bad and we argued over it.Eventually, despite the fact that I did (and still do) love her very much, the initial numbness of love started to wear off (after we had already moved in together) and the baggage of her past and the mental images of her sexual exploits started to really dig at my heart. In the beginning, I was able to hide my feeling and bottle them up, but when her libido started to take a downturn, I began to wonder if I was not enough for her. After all, she was used to being with multiple people at the same time, including women. For a while, she denied that I was not fulfilling for her, but eventually she did say she misses her old exploits. At the same time, I was up for sex much more often then she was and would try to initiate being intimate with her, but she would rarely be in the mood. This led to me being very resentful, since she's been so promiscous in the past, but now she rarely wants to be with me.After weeks of it building up, I eventually broke down and all of my concerns flooded out. I told her that although I didn't really feel ashamed of her past exactly, that it was something I would never want to tell anyone about. This hurt her feelings tremendously. She told me she hated how I would act upset about her past, but then later that night try to be intimate with her. I had a hard time explaining why that was. Again, it comes down to the idea that she was so promiscous in the past and now is less interested in sex now that she's with me.To make things worse, multiple times during our relationship, she has been contacted by ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, and just people whoused to be friends. Nearly all of them came on to her in one way or another, going so far as to leave voicemails of themselves masterbating, and proposition her for sex despite the fact that they knew she was in a relationship with me. This would usually make her very upset, and she would ask me why everyone was always trying to get into her pants. I didn't know how to explain to her that with a past like hers, she likely has a reputation among those people for being "easy". Plus, she was polygomous, so why would they worry about whether or not she had a boyfriend? In other words, they figured they could get some action out of her because of the way she used to be.One time this happened, she got propositioned via text message from an old friend she never actually dated. She said she would text message him back and set him straight. Later that night, I was feeling nosey so I looked at her text messages. Apparently she had spoken to him over the phone, so there was no text message explaining that she was not interested and was already in a relationship. Instead, there was a conversation about how they were both recently divorced. One of the messages that she sent to him was that she was still very depressed about being divorced, that she missed her ex-husband with "every fiber of her being", she hated the fact that he didn't miss her back, and she was having chronic nightmares about him being intimite with his new girlfriend. I later learned that these nightmares she was having was one of the reasons her libido was nearly non-existant. This broke my heart. At the time, we had been moved in together for 3 monthsalmost, we were living with her daughter, and I was financially supporting both of them. To hear that we had gone so far but that she still missed being married to the other guy kept me up all night long and made me physically ill.That morning we argued for a few hours until we got tired of arguing. Delirious from lack of sleep and in a moment of desperation, I proposed to her. I did this for a few reasons. First and foremost, I was indeed in love with her and was doing everything I could to try to move past the problems we were having. Part of me wants to spend the rest of my life with her, and part of me is unhappy that the person I ended up with has such a history. I also wanted her to focus on me, not her ex-husband. She was also very depressed at the time about being divorced and I thought by getting engaged, it might help her to be happy again and it may improve our relationship. Perhaps being engaged to her would help alleviate the stress I've had about her past? Thus, I got engaged to someone I don't know if I will ever be happy with.As if all this wasn't enough, she's asked me a few times for permission to be with other girls should the opportunity arise, but months earlier she said she'd never be with another girl again if that's what would keep us together. She feels as though I should be okay with her participating in lesbian orgies, because she would be okay if the roles were reversed. She just doesn't seem to understand why all of this bothers me so much. I tell her it makes me uneasy knowning how many people she's been with, and she retorts by saying she's not entirely comfortable being with someone who has been with so few people. What she doesn't seem to understand is that she is uneasy with my limitted experience because she has so much. It's not the same for me - I'm not uncomfortable with her promiscuity because I've been with only two women, I'm uncomfortable with it because it feels disrespectful to herself and morally wrong to me. When she talks about her exploits, she does it with such a proud voice. She tells me she has always lived her life with no remorse for what she's done, and this is part of why it bothers me. She doesn't think what she did was wrong, and I do.For the past three months, we have been on a rollercoaster. I have done all I can to try to push my reservations aside and focus on the here and now. I really do love her for who she is now, but her past makes me so angry that sometimes I just want to walk away. I want to stay with her, but when all this stuff really starts bothering on occasion, I find the only thing that makes me feel better is the thought of leaving. But at this point, having moved in with her, proposed to her, gained the love and respect of her daughter, got myself into a position of full financial responsibility for them, and started making plans to move across the continent with them, I know it would be incredibly horrible for me to dump her. I've been able to deal with this thus far, until yesterday when she told me that when she was fifteen years old, she got so trashed on ecstacy that she didn't realize her boyfriend at the time accepted $200 and a bag of pills from a guy so that he could have sex with her. At first, this only bothered me because it seemed like she was prostituted out and raped against her will. But, as I thought about it, I started to feel like she was just as much to blame as her boyfriend at the time and the guy who paid to have sex with her. She drugged herself enough that she had no idea what was going on and ended up getting whored out because of it.It's incredibly difficult for me not to resent all the ghosts of her past. I've tried to convince myself that I was over her past. I tried to tell myself to focus on the present and who she is now. All of these coping mechanisms don't seem to be working, but I just can't bring myself to end the relationship. I'm so confused. I want to be with her very badly, but at the same time, I'm worried I'll never be able to get over the bad mojo. I made some bad choices and I'm now at the point where it's selfish of me to leave, but it's also selfish of me to stay. I wish I could be with a version of her that didn't do all those things. There's nothing she can do to change what happened in her past, and me feeling depressed about it only hurts her. So, I'm often left with no choice but to pretend I'm happy, even though my heart issunken inside.Please help. I don't know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Well, I've lived a somewhat different life.
My gf at the same age, and our ages are similar to yours, had had similar numbers of sexual partners, not the same type of history (no swinging, no gangbangs, no exhibitionist sex) as far as I know. I had had two prior sexual partners.
This is what I learned:
Most people who have this history have serious, serious, deep rooted, sexual and emotional problems. They have had more sexual partners than 99.9% of the population. They don't necessarily enjoy sex, even if they say that they do, they may have sexual compulsions. Most are drug users, addicted to alcohol or other drugs (although they may be on breaks when they meet someone they usually end up going back unless they stay in treatment). Most have a history of sexual abuse as children, neglect, and other abuse. Almost all have multiple rapes and are psychologically unable "to say no" to a partner unless that person is a significant other. They have issues with being touched and intimacy and sex becomes a "non-intimate act".
They may speak as if they are "no remorse" types or "I just love sex" types, but frequently that is not the case, they just bury the remorse and other issues deep down inside. It comes out in affairs, infidelity, anger, withdrawing, insecurity, etc, etc, etc. Their children are at high risk for being abused and neglected, and not just by them but also by those they associate with.
You need to think very carefully, if you think you can handle this then think again. More likely than not you are in for a world of pain if you stay with her. She needs to work on her psychological issues BEFORE she gets into a relationship that is long term.
Do not enter into a long term committed relationship with her unless you both go to counseling weekly or biweekly, continuously, for years. She probably won't agree to this, because it will be to painful to acknowledge the truth about the past.
Read "Healing Sex" by Staci Haines, it may help you understand.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Hi, I'm the anonymous female reader who replied to your question on 3rd December by saying that you're with the wrong girl.
I don't think snooping is the best thing to do, but if you keep feeling that things are popping out that make you question your decision on marrying her, then you should most probably pay heed to that feeling.
If you feel that leaving is the best thing you could do for both you and her, then do it. Let her go because I honestly don't think she's ready to settle. Best of luck!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Hey guys, it's me, the original poster of this question. Thanks for all the replies.Last night, after posting this, I was feeling very down and decided to snoop around a little. I know that's wrong of me to invade her privacy, but she looks at my email all the time. Infact, I gave her full access to all of my communication (phone, computer, passwords, emails, all of it) right away to prove that I'm faithful. So I don't feel too bad about going through her emails last night.I found an email she sent nearly two months into our relationship. It was a response to a craigslist personals ad. I'm pretty sure it was a girl she was responding to, but I'm not entirely certain. It was basically her trying to start up a conversation with this person. She offers her phone number and tells them to call or text her. She sent this person a picture of her that I took. She tells this person she is bisexual and that she thinks they're absolutely adorable.I didn't see that there was any response from the person in email, but it's possible they just called her. I think this is the last straw. I can't keep finding out about this stuff and pretending I'm okay with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Dude, you're with the wrong girl. Period.
I really feel like the two of you are not suited for each other. Obviously, this lady, to me, is not ready to settle down in a marriage when she tells you that she misses her ex-husband. Plus, I feel that you alone will not be enough to satisfy her sexual needs, eventually she's gonna start feeling like she's missing out on all her "fun stuff" and you will start feeling inadequate. PLUS getting married will definitely NOT change her views on monogamy.
You need to let this girl go, even though it may be the hardest thing to do in your life. However, be brave. It's better to end it now rather than later, when it's gonna get harder and more painful.
I will hope that you do the best thing for yourself and her, which is to leave. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Her past only seems to be one part of the problem here, actually. The fact that she appears to still have feelings for her ex-husband is a major concern. Add to that the fact that you've only known her 8 months - even if she was a virgin with a blameless track record, that would be construed as being too soon for getting engaged by most people.
Another factor you should probably consider is the reason you two are together. From your side - do you 'love' her or is it more of an intense attraction? Maybe you feel sorry for her, maybe you think you can be the man who changes her, maybe you are just deeply physically attracted to her or even in love with her personality. None of that changes the fact that the two of you have fundamentally different viewpoints on sex - which is such an important part of a relationship.
Is she with you because she really loves you? Given that she has feelings for her ex, I tend to wonder about that.
'Love' needs to be built on trust, understanding and respect - which may be deficient here.
Regarding her past, I'm normally an advocate of letting the ghosts of the past lie buried. But 'normally' is when the existing relationship is a strong, loving one of reasonable length where the past is the *only* issue between the partners.
In your case her past is part of a pattern of behaviour. The drug use shows a tendency to make bad choices. It also shows a fundemental difference between the two of you. I'm not into monogamy myself - in fact, apart from the drug usage and far less interest in other women, I can relate to your fiancee to a large extent - and I would not deceive or hurt a man by committing to become mongamous unless I felt I could be so. You are not going to accept a polygamous relationship (and you should not force yourself to accept one, no matter what. Principles are princples.). She would either break out of a monogamous relationship or resent you deeply for forcing her into one.
I'm rather sorry to say this, I really am, but your relationship does not appear to be on very solid ground. Looking into the future, there are too many things that could go wrong. I'd suggest being a friend if you can, or letting her go if you can't.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Alright, so she's been with around 250 people, she was not (and definitely still isn't) a believer in monogamy, she's had two kids out of wedlock to bad boys, she's divorced, she had sex with people while dating you (still counts even if you weren't "official," it's still skeezy), you've broken up and gotten together several times (she probably slept with more people during those times), she has wildly different sexual tastes than you, she flat-out admitted she's going to give you sub-par head, she's not up for sex as much as you are (which is supposed to be the benefit of dating a slut), she's been seriously into hard drugs, she still misses her ex, you keep hearing from ex-flings, she's financially insolvent, she keeps wanting to be with other girls, and she appears to be psychologically incapable of understanding monogamy.
Dude, you can do better, you really can. Take back the engagement ring, move out of the house, drop all contact with her, and walk away clean. Do not take on anything resmebling a fatherly role for her kid. Just leave.
This woman will never, ever change. Your feelings about her past will never, ever change. You've pair-bonded with the wrong woman. Her past is not in the past, it's in your face and leaving naughty text messages.
You know exactly what to do. Leave and never look back, and count yourself lucky not to have picked up a VD. And slow down with the next girl - it should ake you more than 8 months to propose to the best wife-material girl in the world, and you've already proposed to this chick?
If you do everything in your power to "protect" her from past boy/girlfriends, flings, ex-husbands, the physical damage of drugs and sex, and her own financial woes - if you succeed in battling all of those external forces - she will still continue to destroy herself, and you right along with her.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Oh, this isn't just about her past, this is about her present and future... It's a treasure chest of problems.
I challenge you to find one "non anonymous" person on this site who seriously thinks that you guys have a future together. You've been with her for 8 months!! This is supposed to be the honeymoon period for god sake.
Furthermore, when you saw problems and incompatabilities instead of backing out, you just charged forward... I'm scratching my head as to why! Is this your first love?
When you drive your car onto the freeway and there's a sign that says "WRONG WAY, TURN BACK NOW", you don't just keep driving and try to dodge the cars coming head on at you... do you?!
"But at this point, having moved in with her, proposed to her, gained the love and respect of her daughter, got myself into a position of full financial responsibility for them, and started making plans to move across the continent with them"
... Seriously? 8 months... WTF!!??
Whatever morale obligation is holding you back, you need to bypass it now... it is not selfish to live a happy life with someone who is actually right for you.
(Sorry to be blunt, but you need a wakeup call, because this relationship has no happy ending)
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Help her become financially stable, help her take care of herself and her daughter. When all is right and she is stable, leave her.
This is not how a marriage should be born, this is not how a relationship should live. This is how a heart dies. You two just are not right for each other, romantically. You can be her dear friend, watch over her so nobody uses her again like her boyfriend when she was 15 but, aside from that, I am afraid this relationship is simply wrong. You do not understand each other and although you may love each other deeply, you cannot embrace each other like a husband and wife should, comfortably and completely.
Maybe one day later when the dust has settled and the debris has cleared, you may try being together again if you love each other so much but for now, it is right to let each other leave and move on. She apparently still feels for her ex and you cannot stand quietly with a false smile on your face while your mind is running with heartache and the thoughts of how people have touched her in all the wrong ways. It will destroy the both of you. Leave her for your sake, for her sake and for the sake of her daughter.
I hope that helps.
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