A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm gay and I'm going crazy I have no one to talk to and I don't even know a gay person for advice I can't even go to a therapist my mind keeps on fantasising thinking about men's six packs and privates i thought it was a good thing when I admitted to myself I was gay but it's harder feeling awkward when my sisters say stuff to me like they can't wait till I vet married to a girl but I know I never will it's soo snoring Ive thought about writing a blog or keeping a diary but I'll be scared if someone read it I dont trust my friends to keep it a secret because they're the masculine type it's not as if I don't enjoy the fantasies or thinking about six packs n stuff it's just annoying me that I couldn't take the easy road and be straight that way my homephobe mum would be happy. What I'm asking for is advice/how to cope and go through this I know I'm 13 but I know for sure I'm gay I just need advice Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Firstly - it is totally FINE to be gay, it's as normal as being heterosexual, don't let anybody tell you any different! :-) If your mother (or sisters or anybody you live with or are close to) is truly homophobic, don't tell them as you are only 13 and need people around you who you feel comfortable with, telling them won't help anything. Perhaps tell a close teacher or something the situation. Go on online forums and talk to other gay teens dealing with the same situation as you. When you're older and feel more comfortable with yourself and who you are then tell them. It also helps to be older as you can get distance if need be. Good luck :-) xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Don't know where to start!
First off: you'll be OK! You have NOTHING to be scared of except your true self! You sound smart and well-adjusted. You've accepted who you are and well done to you, lots of gay guys aren't so sure of their sexual identity so early. Big deep breath, it's OK and not the end of the world. The problems you're going to face from now on relate to OTHER PEOPLE and what their reactions will be and whether this will make life difficult for you.
If your mum is homophobic then that's her problem and not your fault, but I definitely wouldn't recommend coming out just now at age 13! By the time you're 16-17 or thereabouts, she'll know anyway unless she's blind and deaf. Even then there's no need to make a great big announcement out loud to your family. Not worth the drama. When you're a bit older, sure, think about it then. If your mother is a bit homophobic, then there's every chance having a gay son will change her attitude, I'd bet a few gallons of oil on it!
It sounds like, most of all, you want to get it off your chest and talk about it to someone. DO NOT do this with males the same age in your school!!! Best bet would be a girl in your class that you know you can trust, but in general, I'd say you should be REALLY cautious about telling anyone at all. Here, a lot depends on how hidden, or obvious, your sexuality is to others.
It's like this: anywhere from 5 to 15% of men are gay or bi. Some - probably most - of these guys are COMPLETELY straight acting and show no visible outward signs of gayness. And some gay guys are by nature very camp or girlish and have 'GAY' written all over them at quite an early age. The fact that your sisters think you're straight suggests to me that you don't appear in any way obviously gay, at least if they're older sisters and have no idea. (Younger than you, they really wouldn't have a clue one way or the other). But if you're in any way 'flouncy', an older sister or mother, or any female with an ounce of human intuition, will be able to guess your sexuality.
Best bet in your teenage years is, don't ask and don't tell. I'm 20 and didn't come out to my sister and mother (but not dad) until a few months ago. It wasn't a shock newsflash to them. They'd known for years. And in all honestly, I always knew they always knew. Properly hiding it would have been about as easy as flying to Mars.
And of course your fantasies are running wild. It's called adolescence, but you know what? Straight guys have to deal with it too! I guarantee you every straight guy your age is dealing with the same thing, wanting to know what sex with a woman is like, but not able or ready to do it yet. No different in your case, it just happens to be men who give you that 'butterflies' tingly feeling. But you know you're too young to do anything about it for a good while yet. I know by the time I was 15 I was DYING to have sex with a man - not a boy, a real man - but I knew it wasn't a serious realistic short-term possibility. Like a 15-year-old straight boy fantasising about Beyonce or Megan Fox or whoever. You know it's not a runner, but the thought is delicious. You know sex won't and shouldn't happen for you until, probably, 17 or 18. (DO NOT go online and post personal ads with a view to meeting men!!! You will be assailed with invitations from would-be paedophiles. If you've got your head screwed on you'll be able to tell them a mile off.)
Until then, just be patient and enjoy the fantasies as much as you want, enjoy checking out hot men. I can't sit here and tell you what's the appropriate age to become sexually active. I can certainly tell you that 13 is WAY too early, male or female, gay or straight!
How to get through it until you're older?
You're doing fine. You've ACCEPTED it, and well done to you. The rest will follow in good time. Just enjoy being a teenager, your music and your movies or whatever your interests are, your friends, your school days (might not be so enjoyable), your summer holidays. Enjoy your days. And to avoid the needless torment of bullying from mean people, try to stay in the closet until such time as you're old enough to deal with the consequences of coming out - ie, NOT IN THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE!
The same applies to sex: you'll find out all about it when you're ready. In a few years. You'll know when the time comes, and I trust you'll be able to tell a nice guy from a sleazeball, and know what feels right and what feels wrong. Be REALLY PICKY about finding the right guy! Ask yourself, would I trust him with my life and my families' lives, before getting sexual. (OK I admit in my case I was NEARLY 17 but not quite when I lost my L-plates, and he was basically a stranger (19), but I knew instinctively I could trust him)
Best of luck. You'll be fine.
...............................
A
male
reader, philip@u  +, writes (14 July 2010):
I would say write it down in your email. like go into contacts click onto one and where it says there contact info ease it. and just save it under rough drafts. Thats what i have done and still do. And remember to be logged out when you leave the room. I went through it too.
One thing you may want to think about is coming out because i personally wished i would have came out way sooner, i came out last yr. bearly 21 at the time telling my mom and dad i am gay.
I was out to a lot of friends before that happene
d my freshmen yr. a few friends new and it just
became easy to tell friends. It was a little
exillerating. I was with a guy for a while, that
was good sex lol, bad rel-ship last yr.
hmm, well i say to a lot of ppl i'm bi, well
I really love guys a lot, so i'm gay lol. lots of
ppl are bi, maybe even some of your guy friends.
friends?
remember your not the only guy thats gay at your
school. at least 12% of guys are gay or bi. In the
closet too. freshmen yr i was so in the closet i
past up sex with one of the hottest guys in my
school.
come out when your ready though!
...............................
A
male
reader, Afterglow +, writes (14 July 2010):
 At 13, there is not much you can do about your personal surroundings. What I mean is, you are not financially able to be on your own and survive and flourish accordingly. You are a minor and will be consider a dependent until you are 18. So, being able to be out and gay, living your own independent life is not quite a possibility yet.
I say all of that to say, you have to make the best of your situation until you have to power to change it. Your question wasn't about coming out. It was about coping with your sexuality..so, that is what I will address.
Whether you are gay, straight, bi-sexual, bi-curious or whatever get's you hard in the morning, most 13 year old boys do not openly discuss their sexual desires. It's not because they don't have them( I mean your hormones are developing and the brain synapses are firing), it's just that 13 year old boys are not yet expected to proclaim "how they like to get down".
Right now, sex is not something you have to showcase in conversation or expression. So, no one needs to know how you feel. Now, if you feel that you can't go on living your life without letting people know your sexuality, then you have to make that decision to tell someone and make it wisely. Not everyone is going to be accepting. You must be mentally prepared to deal with any negative response. On the other hand, not everyone will be un-accepting. Only you know who is in your life.
Little Bro, you have to really look at your life, at this point in time, and really evaluate if telling people that you are gay would make life easier for yourself. If there is a strong possibility that telling your sister and/or mom will cause you to have to be mentally tortureded at home, then I don't see the point. I mean ask yourself..which is most difficult to deal with:
1) Playing along when your sister fantasizes about your future wife?
or,
2) Dealing with the whatever reaction from your family you will have to face until you are old enough to leave your home?
The problem is that you didn't speak on your home life. I don't know your living situation and the personality of your parents and siblings. Telling them could either open up a world of support or the door to hell...
What I can tell you is that you are not alone. There are millions of gay kids who have either came out to someone or kept it a secret until graduation. Everyone's situation is different.
All I can say is that you are normal. Your sexuality is normal. Regardless of how many dumbass people with sh*t for brains think that being gay is wrong, I know you know better. What ever thoughts or desires you have are natural and should never make you feel ashamed.
The way you cope is by telling yourself that your sexuality is part of who you are. It does not embody the whole of who you are. Your sexuality does not make you more or less intelligent. It does not make you more or less of a good person. It does not define the goals you have in life. It is but one aspect of your personality. So, do not fall into the mindset that being gay DEFINES you as a person.
Dude, so you like boys...so what. You still have to do well in school. You still have to do your chores at home. You still have to do well in whatever extracurricular activities you are involved in. You still have to think about college. You still have to be a good person. You still have to live your life.
Dealing with sexuality is tough at any age. Dealing with loneliness is even tougher. Feeling isolated and alone sucks big time. Fortunately, we are living in times where being gay is no longer the word that must never be spoken. Additionally, we live in the information age. I don't know where you live, but I am sure you have access to websites that deal with gay youth outreach in your state or city. You may not be able to directly interact with other young gays, but you will be able to connect and converse with others in your situation. At least you wont always have to feel that you can't talk to anyone.
As far as a journal or diary...Put it like this: If you never want someone to have access to your private thoughts then DO NOT WRITE THEM DOWN OR RECORD THEM...plain and simple.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. You are always welcome to send me an email.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): It's all right to be gay. You just have to find a girl who u can trust. Espically who keeps secrets and talk about it with her. And also a journal is a good idea. Just hide it very good. Hide it where no one ever goes. Also lock it just in case. Also alot of girls think gay people are amazing so don't worry. If u can't find anyone u trust maybe tell a family member. That might work. Hope this helps. Sorry if it doesn't.
...............................
|
