A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So me and my long term boyfriend have been using condoms as our only method of birth control and it's not an ideal situation. He constantly complains about how much less good it feels and frequently gets irritated that I won't go back on the pill or use an IUD. The thing is, I've tried four different hormonal birth control types, three pills and Nuvaring and they've all had intolerable side effects and all of them made my sex drive go through the floor. Also lost my ability to orgasm with most and had terrible mood swings with most. All caused nausea as well.We're been looking at IUDs, but I'm allergic to nickel and paragard supposedly causes some problems with that and I'm scared to try Mirena because of how badly I've reacted to the other hormone types. We're both very frustrated with this. Should I keep trying different pills, try an IUD? I don't know what to do. I feel like trying pills means sacrificing my own sex life so sex feels a bit better for him. Anyone have any recommendations?
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condom, orgasm, sex drive, sex life, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): You are denying yourself the change for a fulfilling and passionate sex life by staying with this guy. You deserve a person who wants to understand you and your needs not just his own. There of course is more to a relationship than sex but his attitude towards sex and you is unacceptable really, it shows general lack of respect to you and so the relationship itself cannot be as happy as you deserve. X
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 November 2011):
OP you are not considering ending things over just one conversation. You are considering ending things because of the behaviour your bf displays which has led to that conversation. The conversation simply means things have finally come to a head and all the issues are out in the open. You are clearly unhappy with things. Your bf knows this but is either oblivious or just doesn't care. Either way this is no basis for a healthy relationship. From what you have said sexually he seems immature, selfish and controlling.
I think that you hadn't considered this issue when looking for a house etc, but moving in together isn't going to change things. If anything it will make things even more difficult for you as you will be tied up with him both emotionally and financially.
Please leave this man; he is abusive as others have said, and you should not be in an abusive relationship. Find someone who is thoughtful and caring, who is prepared to consider YOUR feelings and desires as well as his own.
Good luck OP.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Remember I said the guy could ask for you to stop using the vibrator.. I stupidly thought maybe he was trying to help you get more pleasure. I was willing to give him the benefit of doubt. I took in consideration his "mild aspergers"....
Rubbish, I was wrong, and Tish and the others were definitely right.. He sounds like an abusive idiot, and that's we aunts are angry. You are young, and your not aware just how badly a man like this could destroy you. Your not his slave, your a human being, who gets hurt when her feelings are pushed aside and her wishes are seen as unimportant. He seems to think that your some type of living sex toy, put on earth for his private pleasure.
A man like this can cause emotional scars that are very hard to fix. We are not angry with you, it's him we want to shout at. Yep, it's hard, you got feelings for him. But we feel there is a hell of a lot of brainwashing going on, and you really can't see what type of man you are dealing with.
Sorry babes, but when you talk and tell your story it causes us pain, because we don't know how to explain to you, that your best bet is to run, DON'T WALK, to the nearest exit.
Won't wear condoms, expects you to orgasm at his command... grrrrr.. this little man has a big Napoleonic Complex..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
 And chigirl: "And maybe that's the clue: a loving partner wouldn't!" And there it is. Exactly right.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
CindyCares summed it up perfectly: "See it this way . You are lucky . You are not throwing away 2.5 years of unfettered bliss with more potentially to come " for a conversation " .You have ONLY wasted so far 2.5 years of your life with a disrespectful dense little bully who managed to cover his tracks and his true colours for ONLY 2.5 years - while it could have been worse and he could have fooled you much longer." Brava!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
For the other posters, here's the link to the other question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-bf--has-given-me-an-ultimatum.html
"He constantly complains"
"[he] frequently gets irritated"\"I feel like trying pills means sacrificing my own sex life so sex feels a bit better for him"
from the other question:
"He keeps insisting that it's because I desensitized myself with the vibrator"
"[he] told me that he hates that he's not good enough for me and that if I can't "fix" my problem and have an orgasm with him within a year or so, he's going to break up with me because it's unfair to him to have to be with someone who doesn't respond to him like he does to me." !!!!Nice blackmail there, dude. Very nice. Right there, right there is the inability to imagine that there is a reality other than his. It's UNFAIR to him that he gets oral sex, sex 5-8 times a week and mind-blowing orgasms? Really, and truly, is he even listening to himself?
This isn't just one conversation over the phone. This is an ongoing issue. His resentment has been building and so has yours. Don't minimize the problem, you were bothered enough to come on here and write not one, but two questions, and I suspect more questions here are yours.
Your sexual response is yours, not HIS to manage; you orgasm the way you orgasm, it's not for him to blackmail you into some fantasy of his of the way sex SHOULD be. The reality is that you need a vibrator. You react badly to hormonal birth control, you need a barrier or other method for now until such time as your gynecologist and you can come up with a better solution. He has to deal with the fact that he gets intercourse, only with a condom. Better than no intercourse at all, isn't it? Oh, and it sounds like he gets intercourse 5-8 times per week. Gosh, that's an awful lot of stimulation for him, maybe part of his deal is that his penis is OVER-stimulated and he needs to take a break himself.
Making swallowing such an issue, when he knows you feel physically sick after doing so, is really selfish. You give him plenty of oral sex.
He is putting so much pressure on you to orgasm on command that I'm surprised you have any interest in having sex at all; the overwhelming pressure to conform to some fantasy ideal of what you should be doing must destroy any joy you had in sexual intimacy.
What you have presented is a man who cares more about his penis being happy than your overall health and well-being. You have a selfish man, he may be hiding it behind 'selfless' hours of oral or manual stimulation of you but he is being coercive and unreasonable.
Fundamentally, for me, the point that he chooses not to take your word for it is enough of a red flag that the relationship is built on your accommodating his 'special needs'. You excuse his inability to see things from your side due to *undiagnosed* and untreated Asperger's. If he has Asperger's there are resources available to him to evaluate the level and provide some counseling and support on his social skills. You have been trying for months, if not longer, to orgasm the way he wants you to, and at this point, he should accept that you are built the way you are and embrace you AS YOU ARE, just the way you embrace him the way he is, selfish and Asperger's and all.
I have posted enough on both your questions; there are other questions I haven't answered because I simply don't have the time.
I would argue that it took you 2.5 years to figure out he's fundamentally a selfish and controlling person. Just because a relationship has lasted for x years isn't enough of a reason to stick it out, if the problem isn't going to be dealt with in a positive and constructive manner. He's obstinate, obstructionist and controlling about it. Rather than deal with it with calm rational, professional help in the form of a sex therapist, you decided the best thing to do was to hold each other's orgasm hostage. Not the best indicator for successfully navigating the inevitable problems that will arise. Not very grown up, if you don't mind my saying. It's like kids having a tantrum.
You have the tools you need, the knowledge you need, the resources at hand, should you choose to use them.
A link for him: http://grasp.org/
I have books for you to read as well, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don%27t_Understand , http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Bodies,_Ourselves
Decide for yourself if he never comes around and sees it from your point of view, will you be able to maintain a harmonious and mutually rewarding intimacy. Based on his current stance, I think things are looking pretty lousy.
Good luck with everything, I hope things work out for the best.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Oh so this is the no vibrators guy ? The presumed mild Asperger's guy ?
See it this way . You are lucky . You are not throwing away 2.5 years of unfettered bliss with more potentially to come " for a conversation " .You have ONLY wasted so far 2.5 years of your life with a disrespectful dense little bully who managed to cover his tracks and his true colours for ONLY 2.5 years - while it could have been worse and he could have fooled you much longer.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 It's incredibly selfish to want to go through with an act you KNOW your partner is not enjoying, your partner feels uncomfortable with, and your partner genuinely does not want but is being forced into. I don't get why a loving partner would want to do that to the other. And maybe that's the clue: a loving partner wouldn't!
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (15 November 2011):
But is it right to stay in a relationship where you arent respected just because of the time invested? We have all been there and learnt that lesson. You are possibly missing meeting someone who would care properly for you. If you still feel love and think there is hope for the two of you then you need to talk straight but not like an ultimatum. Tell him you dont intend to do certain things, and in this respect you are the same as most women, and you expect him to respect you. Stay calm, dont shout, cry, or argue pointlessly, it is your right to be respected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut it just seems wrong to end a 2.5 year relationship where we lived together and planned to spend our lives together over basically one conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoubtful.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 November 2011):
Why are you with this guy? Is it love or are you scared to be alone?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
Sooooo, are you planning to reconcile with the asshole?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUgh and he just told me that the reason he's being so mean about this is because he can't respect my reasoning. He thinks I won't do it because it tastes bad and he can't respect that as a reason. What an asshole. He does not get to decide what is or isn't an acceptable reason.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
Yep, too many problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt started because we're temporarily long distance and only get to see each other once a month for four days. The last time he was here he got the stomach flu midway through and I didn't want to catch it so I kept him at arm's length for a day and a half. This is what he said anyways last night, that he's upset our only chance to see each other got ruined and apparently that's my fault for not wanting to spend a day vomiting.
So now I'm pretty sure he subconsciously wants to punish me for ruining his vacation which is much worse than just general issues.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 November 2011):
I don't like this guy, he causes to much problems.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
After 2.5 years of bliss then his resentments bubble to the surface and he becomes irate? You have sex 5-8 times a week, you give him blow jobs, you can orgasm (with some help) and he wants to be a bully about it? Now, all of a sudden?
I'd go on a nice looooonnng break, WITH your vibrator, screw the orgasm hostage crisis and have a think about your own physical and mental well-being.
With every post you write, you reinforce my original advice on the other thread, which was to invest in a sex therapist. He needs some attitude readjustment, and who better to deliver that then a qualified professional?
If he was my boyfriend, we'd be done. I would not tolerate that type of emotional and physical bullying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am. The thing is these problems only came up really the past week, it's totally out of character I have no idea what changed. Only 3 weeks ago we were shopping for apartments and incredibly happy.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
Hey, are you the same poster whose boyfriend issued the orgasm ultimatum?
I'd make that a permanent break up. You don't need to be browbeaten.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night we got into a huge fight on the phone, we're on break now. He said I could make it better by allowing him to cum in my mouth but I hate doing it. I'm happy to give blowjobs, but he has to finish somewhere else. He continued badgering me about how I'm single-handedly ruining our sex life by refusing to let him cum in my mouth, this went on for an hour and a half until I was crying, and then he apologized for making me cry but not for pushing me.
When I say "no I do not want to do that sex act" (this and anal sex are the only things I ever say no to) the answer is not "why can't you sacrifice for me." Especially not for an hour and a half. It makes me sick to even think about him being able to go through with an act that he knows I am hating. Sorry, I'll stop ranting now...
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (14 November 2011):
Doesn't sound like your bf is mature enough yet to consider your feelings and well being. I know from previous girlfriends the ill effects of the pill, both to health and libido and am happy my wife never took it. If your cycle is regular you should be able to avoid getting pregnant by using condoms in your fertile time.Definately use a thermometer as well. However, there is always a chance of pregnancy, especially if you just once take a chance, believe me, I have enough walking, talking reminders!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL. Well after he refused to pay for the whole cost (asking why we couldn't just buy a thermometer and download some software) I told him he must like using condoms then!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2011):
Don't worry about the cost of the LadyComp. After all, your boyfriend will be the one paying for it since it is HE who wants to stop using condoms... Tell him there is the option, now all he needs to do is buy it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, he is kind of selfish in general. I can deal with some level of selfishness (I'm pretty stubborn), but there's a limit. I think if he brings it up again seriously how bad condoms feel I'm going to have to reconsider the relationship.
Thanks for the advice on the temperature and mucus. There aren't too many churches nearby, but there is a women's clinic that will teach these things for free. I wonder if they give away LadyComps for free (if only)!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2011):
 When I was breastfeeding my sons I could not take birth control pills but I did not want to get pregnant.
so what I did was
temperature charting with Natural Family Planning. Even though I am Jewish I took classes from the Catholic Church in my area (they teach it and there is a book and charts etc)… I am sure now that you can find the info online though since this was nearly 30 years ago….
When I was not fertile we did not use any birth control. THEN the week I was fertile (based on mucus, cervical changes and temperatures) we used my diaphragm. I can tell you that this worked very well and I never had an OOPS pregnancy… but had I gotten pregnant we would have been OK with it…..
NOT saying this is a GREAT option and I don’t recommend NO condoms if you are not in a committed LTR where blood work has been done… but in a LTR where everyone has tested STD free, and hormonal BC is not an option this works well IF you are ok with risking a pregnancy since nothing is 100% sure.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2011):
I know you have already had some good advice on this but I have to chime in. When I read your post, I thought to myself, this is a guy who is really rather selfish. Yes, it would be nice to have sex without a condom but that is much less harmful to you and him than you having to endure unwanted and unhealthy side effects of hormonal birth control. I don't like the tone he's set for your relationship. He's whining about having sex? Really? The guy should be bending over backwards to make sure you are healthy and well.
I'd take a long hard look at other aspects of your relationship and see if he isn't selfish in other ways as well. If he's going to be bothered by this for the rest of your lives together, well, I just think it's going to build up resentment over time. And he's not the one who has to experience those nasty side effects 24/7, now, is he? I'd have a real heart-to-heart about how his expectations affect you. I might even spell it out: "me, with condoms for the foreseeable future or no me at all. You decide."
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2011):
I am on your side in this, condoms are a pain or discomfort, but if hormonal birth controls are an even greater discomfort then it isn't worth it. But have you talked to your doctor about alternatives during this time period? Haven't your doctor been able to help you come up with an alternative?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're really careful, no pregnancy scares and it's been 2.5 years. We both fully understand all of this well, it just seems like there's no great answer...
I like some side effects from the pill (larger breasts, less painful periods, ovarian cysts cleared) but I just don't want to go psycho again. I know it's not as nice feeling to wear a condom, but we're talking one minute versus my health 24/7 right?
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reader, chigirl +, writes (7 November 2011):
Talk to your doctor about your options, that's the very best thing to do. Far better than risking pregnancy only to have abortions, who knows how many abortions you'd end up with that way...
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (7 November 2011):
 I feel like men are completely clueless as to the effect of hormonal birth control on female sexuality. Simply put, the effect of hormonal birth control on female desire has been linked in several studies for the better part of a decade. Even a cursory search on Google shows that many studies have pointed directly at hormonal birth control as being detrimental to female desire.You should advise your boyfriend that if you sign up for the pill, he is signing up for less sex. Period. The scientific evidence is out there, and it is mounting.With that having been said, with some trial and error, you can find some hormonal birth control for which the beneficial side effects (reduced monthly periods, clearer skin, etc.) will outweigh the negatives. Unfortunately, a lot of this comes with trial and error. It is not uncommon to go through 2 - 5 different types of hormonal birth control before finding a winner to suit your body chemistry.I strongly recommend that you talk with a doctor about your situation and openly discuss your options. Good luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've discussed what we'd do if I was to get pregnant very early on and we're both 100% on the same page. I'd get an abortion, we'd split the cost. I'd obviously rather not deal with that, but it's not the end of the world. My cycle is very regular thankfully and I can actually tell REALLY clearly exactly when I'm ovulating (what day). The price is a bit daunting though for something that might not work...
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reader, chigirl +, writes (6 November 2011):
The experiences I've heard of about the baby comp is that it's a bit of a hit or miss. It's an "educated guess" as the weather reporters call it, haha. It is safer than the pull out method, and theoretically safe (safe days do exist), but sometimes it doesn't work as planned. Then again, people report getting pregnant while on the pill as well, nothing is 100% safe.
I asked a doctor about it while discussing contraception (not a fan of condoms either) and she hadn't really heard much about it. It's fairly new, and not the most common contraception used, so not many reports are in yet. However she pointed out that there could probably be many things that could impact the baby comp, like fever, or illness etc, other changes in body temperature, or if you have an irregular period. She said she'd advice it for couples who can take the risk of getting pregnant, but don't want to be pregnant... If you get what I mean. It's far better than the pull out method. But she hadn't heard much about it, so couldn't say too much.
I think if you are long term, not planning for a baby, but wouldn't have your lives ruined should you accidentally become pregnant, then the baby comp would be a good option. If you want 100% protection you'd have to use both condoms and the birth control pill anyway. I think it's a matter of how high a risk you and your partner are willing to take.
By the way, if you do want to have a baby, the baby comp also lets you know when you are ovulating. And I've heard nothing but positive things about how it helped people get pregnant, so it obviously DOES work at it's calculations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): The Paragard is made of almost complete copper. I have a nickel allergy and was worried about that, too. It was the best decision I ever made to get one! I love not having to deal with hormone-based pills OR condoms. Talk to your OBGYN about it. Getting it inserted was definitely painful, but I - and three of my other friends who also all have it - have had no problems at all with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for the advice. I'm really hesitant to try the shot or implant because then I'm more or less stuck with it and given how badly I reacted to the hormones I don't want to be stuck.We already use a sort of variation on the pull out method. We make sure there's no chance of sperm in the precum (no masturbating unless we're apart for awhile and urinating to clear things) and have sex without a condom then he puts one on when he's ready to finish. But it's a bit of a pain to have to interrupt like that.We talked about a vasectomy and we're not sure if we want kids yet. We plan to stay together but a vasectomy isn't really in the cards now.Babycomp or Ladycomp could be worth a try, has anyone had any experiences with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): You could have an implant which is put in your arm, it's about the size of a matchstick and can be removed whenever you ask. It is made of a plastic type material and slowly releases hormones to act as a contraceptive.
It would be worth asking if the implant would make you less hormonal than the pill as the only worry would be is your last reaction to the pill with low sex drive could happen again but then the plus side it it might not!
Worth a try as if you and your partner don't want a child pull out method and temperature ones are a little risky! X
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reader, chigirl +, writes (6 November 2011):
Pull-out method?
I know of a couple of couples who actually don't use contraception, just pull out. They're in long term relationships, of age, living together, and if a baby came along it wouldn't be a problem. They aren't actively trying for one, that's just it.
Or, the temperature method, where you religiously measure your body temperature every morning and use online diagrams of when your menstruation is to calculate the safe days to have sex. Alternatively use a baby comp that does just the same (measure body temp and calculates safe days).
http://www.raxmedical.com/babycomp.php
Or ask your doctor if there are other options. If you plan to never ever have children he could get a sterilization for example.
Until anything else is decided upon, stick to condoms.
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