A
female
age
,
*lmost fifty
writes:I am considering leaving my husband after 23 years. I often wondered wether I should have married him in the first place, but at the time I was craving stability. We had kids pretty soon after that, and then the problems continued. I have never felt emotionally supported by my husband, and he does not communicate with me or the children very well. He'll often go through me to speak with them or ask them questions. My 21 year old cried at the table a couple of years ago, "it's not too late for my 13 yo sister." My 18 yo son commented on his way to college that he didn't care what Dad thought, he was done with him. We have gone through counseling on at least three occasions over the course of our marriage. Each time it was VERY difficult to get him to come, and after a few months it was to the point where I could stand him again, and was tired of fighting him about it every week. Not fighting, he gives me the silent treatment. I'm just tired of doing all of the relationship building. He thinks all he has to do is plan a vacation.I feel pretty confident that I can support myself and I'm definately capable of nurturing the kids through this. They all see that he is disconnected. I should say that he is a good guy in many other ways, works hard, fixes things around the house, always accountable and present, loves us. I just have gotten to the point where I am glad when he's not home. I guess that I'm just building up the courage to say something to him, and there is no turning back when I do. Even in the counseling, I never felt we were at the point where I could tell him that I don't have feelings for him. I just can't face the thought of going through another 23 years of this farce. I'm almost just looking for approval from you all, though I know that most of you would have me work on our marriage again and again, hoping to get it right. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (22 August 2010):
Yea i think leaving a relationship! is harder because of the preperation it intales and hurt! and for your kids! it has nothing to do w/ them about who you are mom and dad will always be mom and dad and be their for them. i would yes contact an Attorney: first it's horrible that you need to be one step ahead of him. i seen an Attorney: first too! and then spoke w/ my husband he was very understanding about everything! and excepted everything i asked for even our daughter!! but not every relationship will go that smooth? there are also shelters that will help you finacally place to stay court appointments, protection and shelter if needed until you find a place! i wish you both peace of mind!! and happiness down the road because 23 yrs is a long time hopefully you can remain friends maybe not right now but at least be there for your children!!!
A
female
reader, Almost fifty +, writes (21 August 2010):
Almost fifty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt this point, I need to figure out how and when to tell him. My therapist said that the conversation should be very brief, not allowing him to try to figure out what to change - the time for that is over. One thing he asked if I could say was, "there's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind." I hope I can pull it off!
I need to figure out if I should contact a lawyer before I say anything. We are in a good place as far as I can tell about money, and I hope that he doesn't start freaking out - I din't think he will. I guess I need to find an apartment pretty quick, I'm thinking about telling him at the end of next week. This is all happening pretty fast.
Thank you everyone for your support. I had re-worded this questions earlier, and recieved a lot of critisism. Of course it is very hard to sum up 20 years of marrriage in one short letter, so I'm glad that I shared some pertinant info that makes my decision sound sane.
I amn very worried that he will lose touch with his children, because they will likely not seek him out. I hope that he can figure out a way to stay in contact with them.
I can't beleive this is finally going to happen - I'm very scared about what he will do/say/think, because I predict he will be devastated. He won't hurt me, he's never even raised his voice at me. I am so looking forward to being on my own, even though it means that my standard of living will be lower.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): i am in a simular situation besides he would rather do things by him self and never thinks to spend time with me or our daughter he ignores us and most of the time he doesnt talk to me or asks me what do i want from him which i end up talking to my self with no answer from him no change and just feeling alone, i told him i didnt want to be with him any more and he moved out,i just hope he still comes around for his daughter i know he loves her but im just not sure how much he will connect with her after all, my point is that i feel more soild and did what i needed for my self i wouldnt have been any good to anyone feeling the wy i felt and you need to think of your self its not right feeling unhappy all the time, just sit down and think about everything and if it is something you want to do go for it but make sure because there is no taking it back, if it is trust me it is like you tok 100lbs off of your chest and you feel free
...............................
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (21 August 2010):
How can you work on a marriage! that is just not there.
it's your life! not ours go be happy while you are still young, you only live once. i wasn't going to tell you to work it out my thearpy is more of it is your life! and you are feeling what only you are going through not us! you don't need my advice! do what you need to do for you. and i think the only reason you are asking for our advice! is so you wont feel guilty because you do want out and if we told you to get out then that would ease some of the guilt. do it because you know what you want and you are willing to pay the piper for your decision and the choices you make in your life! and the conquences because you have to live w/ it not us.
Best Wishes!
...............................
|
