A
male
age
36-40,
*ittleAlfie
writes:So six months ago, me and my girlfriend of nearly 2 years split up for good. She’s written me out of her life, found a new group of friends so we wouldn’t ever cross paths, and in most aspects, will not acknowledge my existence. I can’t blame her, and don’t because of the fact that I’m young, immature, and had no idea how to properly handle a love as strong as the one we had, and I made some irreparable mistakes. But even still, the love was mutual, I assure you, and the sort that you only really see in movies. I had a lot of problems after the breakup. My life shattered to pieces and I was a mess. I am finally picking up my life again, trying ever so desperately to gather some semblance of a normal, healthy attitude and view on life and love in general. I’m seeing someone new. She’s a wonderful person, and helped pull me out of an extremely dark place in my life, and I can be totally open with her, and I am, except for one small aspect: I believe I’m still in love with my ex. I’m not dishonest with the new girl concerning why me and the ex split up, how much I loved her then, that the guilt stays with me for hurting her, and that I will always hold a place in my heart for her. I truly care about this new girl, but it’s hardly what I felt before, what I believe to be true love. I wake up every morning thinking about my ex, and she haunts my every waking second. Come to think of it, there’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about her. How she’s doing, if she’s happy, and I wonder to myself if we’ll ever meet up in life again, and I hope against all odds we will. It seems unhealthy to me to have these thoughts, because it’s gotten to the point where I have mental (sometimes verbal) conversations with myself, rehearsing hypothetical situations if we ever should meet again. I want the ex to see how much I’ve grown as a person, and that ultimately, all of my improvements and still every act is done in her name and for her. If love is passion, and obsession, not being able to live without, wanting to spend forever doing and caring for that one person, than I certainly am still in love. I wonder if I should tell the new girl all of this, because, truly, I do care for her deeply. Perhaps even love her in a very special way. I’m truly conflicted. I worry: is she just a band-aid for the pain and loss? I also wonder if this is normal. If its just a process, and if so, should I just bite my tongue and see where this all goes and leave it to chance? If so, what if I end up hurting her? She means too much to me to hurt her. I’ve done that so often in my past, and I am so determined to do the right thing that I can hardly think. Part of me even thinks, given the newness of the situation, given that she knows how impacting my ex is on me , if she already knows that I’m still in love with her. I’m not sure if I should tell her how I feel and put the ball in her court, see if she’ll stay and wait and be patient in hopes for something I can’t promise will happen, because I don’t know. When I’m with the new girl even, I think to myself “I wish she were her.” And I know its a terrible thought, because no one deserves to be in her position, and it doesn’t negate the feelings I have said for the new girl. I feel as though I’m being selfish in holding onto this new relationship, so I want to end it. The other half feels that if I end it, that, too, would be selfish in the sense that I take all choice and opportunity away from her in the decision. I feel as though there’s so much more to be explained, but any input may really help me out. Any input at all. Thanks for reading, and in advance for ALL responses. I wish you all the best. :)
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reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (19 February 2011):
LittleAlfie is verified as being by the original poster of the question It would be fine, only she left me, you see. I lied and kept terrible secrets. I cheated. The fact is, though, I never felt that my needs weren't met or that there actually was bad in the previous relationship. As time goes on, I've come to terms with the fact that she had every right and reason to leave. I've never argued that, and never will, because after some time and self reflection, and possibly growing up a little, I can see that I was so egotistic that though I had everything I wanted and needed, I still could have more. And so no, I don't believe my notions of her role on the past are misguided. And yes, I acknowledge that this is all probably my penance for what I did wrong, but my goal here is to find a way to deal without hurting anyone else in the process, because I truly do not want to repeat past mistakes.
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (18 February 2011):
 I feel that you have to make peace with the fact that your prior relationship is over. It is truly not fair to your current girlfriend if you are holding her second place in your heart to your prior one.
I also think that this might be a case of rose-colored glasses. You are romanticizing this girl whom you broke up with, seeing her more and more in better light the further she recedes into your past. There is a reason you broke up. If it was meant to be and if she were as great as you say, you two would still be together.
You might need a break from your current relationship in order to grapple with this. Therapy might be in order. You might also try your own narrative exercises: balancing your memory with the reality by writing down both the good and the bad to remind yourself that all was not peachy. Only if you are able to put her in the past can you then fully devote yourself to your present relationship.
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