A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Since moving in together 4 months ago (I moved to China from Australia and we found an apartment after 1 month together - prior to that we kept up a long distance relationship for about 8 months; we met when I was on tour in China; she's 23 and I'm 26), my gf and I have gone through many ups and downs. One thing we always seemed sure of was to be together for the long term.We discussed going back to Australia together and even things like marriage. Yes, at first she scared me a bit when she started getting so excited about the idea of marriage. We even fought over it when I said I wasn't sure of an exact time and needed about 2 years to save enough money to make it work - I wanted to be able to support her when we go back - but she was keen to do it in 1-1.5 years.Over time, however, she's changed a lot and when we talk about the future it's more about staying together for a long time. After visiting her hometown, the relationship was getting close and everything seemed really good! We again talked about going back to Australia and marriage. I know the sensible thing is to not put a timeline on it! There's no rush as long as we are happy and comfortable together right? Doesn't matter what part of the world we are living in as long as we can be happy together.It's just sometimes a little off-putting when she changes her mind :-/ For instance, about a week ago she started talking about not wanting kids (yes that's normal to change so much at her age) and wanting to get married in 5 years time. It just seems that over time, she keeps pulling away. And chopping and changing as to whether or not she will go back with me. Yes that's a HUGE decision and she's risking a lot. Which is why I've resolved to take the mature approach of just being happy as long as we stay together.At the start of the relationship I really believed we were meant to be together and I miss the times where we were a lot closer. Sometimes she's more distant than other times.It's a bit of an up and down affair with her. Sometimes she'll say hurtful things and then come back afterwards and apologise.I feel like sometimes she's really happy that we are together and other times she's a bit emtionally distant. I try to remain calm and patient and just remind myself that she's got a lot on her mind with her work etc.Since her trip to Thailand a few days ago, I've noticed a subtle shift. She seems to think I'm not happy with her going overseas for her work on a regular basis (about 5 days per month) and don't trust her. How many times must I tell her that it's ok for her to go? Yes, when she first brought it up about going because it looked like it would interfere with us going to visit in her hometown (Spring Festival was the only time I could get off work). Well that worked out ok and I came around to my senses and apologised profusely for carrying on about it and I've been telling her ever since about how happy I am about her getting the chance to go overseas and be paid for it into the bargain.Another thing is that she changes her mind on whether or not we should travel together in the future. I've discussed us travelling through China and overseas. It goes from agreeing that it would be a really great idea to it being a waste of time because she would have already seen the places.I can't get much of an answer from her about the future now. I occassionally bring it up in conversations but she's avoiding talking so much about it for the time being. We discussed marriage within 2 years, now she says she wants at least 5 years. Something's changing in her mind. I can't figure her out. I've had the problem from the beginning - just couldn't figure out why she keeps chopping and changing so much. Just seems so unstable and it keeps making me think about leaving.What keeps me with her is that I still have a lot of feelings for her. Just in the past couple of months she's said a lot of things that have caused me to cool off and realise that hey maybe we aren't that compatible and I'm holding onto something when I should just walk away. It's really upsetting. A friend of her's said she tends to be very emotional. Well, it's doing my head in a bit. I lose a lot of sleep worrying about where I stand and the future.
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (23 February 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn China respect is is more important than love. Act in a way that she can respect you.
I have to agree with that sentiment. We've had arguments over things like cleanliness. She's very lazy and expects a 'man who can cook and clean'. My cooking isn't up to scratch and I don't have the right utensils (granted I don't have a job at the moment so things are very tough). Not having a job is a big problem itself.
Actually this month I have been working full time but it's expected of me to keep the apartment tidy (which I try to keep up with). She likes to create mess so you can see the problem. She criticises my life attitude and says I'm too lazy (which I will admit is partially true). Sometimes I sleep in a bit and don't rise early because I occassionally find it hard to sleep of a night.
Anyway, she tried to make it sound like she isn't interested in me so much anymore (she apologised when she saw me looking upset but still...).
She's always telling me her idea of a man is this and that. I wish she could see that I am trying to pick up my game on some things. Her talk about love not being enough is making me think that she has standards which are just too high.
Just today we made plans in the morning to go to macau to celebrate our 1 year anniversary tomorrow. Yet an hour later after she got up, she exploded about a mess in the living room and told me not to talk to her before storming out. Later she came back. I tried to apologise but she isn't interested in doing anything with me tomorrow now.
This is what I am going through at the moment. I thought I loved her but she's making it hard. I'm trying to improve my living standards for her but at the same time she's too ocnfusing. She'll be all loving etc one minute but then tell me I'm not the man she wants.
Ugh, it's hard work keeping up sometimes :P I'm paying attention to what she is telling me and I'm trying my best to keep the place clean. She doesn't help out at all or at least try to make an effort to be a bit tidy with her mess - eg. will pull a heap of clothes out of the cupboard and leave them in a pile on the floor when she's trying to find something. All I want is for her to not pull everything out and leave it everywhere! I can take care of the dusting, floors, kitchen, clothes...
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 The frequency with which you are posting questions here really suggests that you are confused and unhappy. There are just SO many beautiful, sweet and lovely girls in China that you don't have to "settle" if this relationship isn't working out. HOWEVER the common western stereotype of Chinese girls being calm and docile and easy to manage is completely fallacious. Personally I think that they are wonderful but they are not easy to deal with.
China is a society and a culture in very rapid transition and that makes it both an exciting time and a confusing time to be a young Chinese person. Attitudes to sex and relationships have changed so fast that many people don't really understand where they stand. She is contemplating a possible lifetime relationship with a "foreigner" who might not even speak Chinese. That is both exciting and unnerving for her. Add to that that she is probably having to carry out her interactions with you in her second language - which is stressful - and all in all it isn't surprising that she is all over the place.
Either move on OR if you are going to make this work, get stronger. In China respect is is more important than love. Act in a way that she can respect you.
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