A
female
age
41-50,
*ellykaw
writes:I apologise this is very long! Around 4 years ago i met this man online. We eventually met up and went for a meal, (i need to mention i was in a bad place back then and very insecure) he was a bit of a d***. He said i had bad table manners, asked if i had a lisp (i don't). So anyway fast forward, we ended up talking most of the night and one thing led to another. We agreed to meet up again but it didn't happen and he got very nasty, said the worst insults i have ever had. Tbh it took me ages to get over it. He has since then messaged me, we talked very briefly. Last year he got in touch and we just chatted, lost touch again, he then messages me a few months ago, apologising profusely and its obvious he feels guilty for the way he treated me. We met up last week for lunch, had a walk together, he kissed me, and was very forward. We have sexted before meeting, and i know he wants to sleep with me again but i dont know. I feel like he will think i'm easy. I am not sure i can date him again as we seem to clash, and i don't know about sleeping with him as i don't want it to be meaningless, especially as I haven't slept with anyone in a year and half! I am confused. Do i give him a chance or cut my losses? In general he is almost my ideal man, but i cant help but feel weary of him because of the past and he is slightly immature.
View related questions:
immature, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2017): Op in my what possible sense can he be your ideal man? You have met twice and both times he's been out of line in one sense or another. He hasn't shown you an ounce of respect... he slept with you and then dumped you to be frank, and would have done this again. IF you had allowed and you know it. Why do you need to feel he wants you so badly? There's plenty of men out there- all looking better than this jerk. Trust me, you'll meet and he'll screw you and disappear. Take the lead here- send him a text saying hey been thinking and I've decided there isn't anything in it for me to hang with you to be honest, so I'm moving on. I'm not meaning to be rude but given the abuse last time you gave me I'm blocking you after this is sent too, as that side to your character isn't pleasant so I choose not to see it again. I wish you well!See how you take the control back - mentioning words like choose etc and then telling him don't bother with replying with your nastiness, you're blocked so I won't get it. All that horridness he showed you and disrespect is a big hold over you I think- and that's may be what you are after here, his adoration that he got you so wrong? Well he won't give you that , but handling it this way , you take it!
A
female
reader, kellykaw +, writes (2 May 2017):
kellykaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl you are absolutely right! Those things were said deliberately, probably to make himself feel better. Thank you for that.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 Your ideal man is someone who puts you down and only wants you for sex?
Sorry, but I don't see much of an ideal here. I only see a sleazeball who thinks the fastest way to get into a girls pants is to make her insecure and offend her.
I don't buy that he's sorry. The way he behaved, it's not accidental. You don't accidentally tell someone they have bad table manners (btw pointing out such a thing IS BAD MANNERS in itself) or ask if they have a lisp (also extremely bad manners). Those things were said deliberately. They speak volumes of his CHARACTER. And a mans character does not change. The only reason he says he is sorry is to get into your pants again.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellykaw +, writes (2 May 2017):
kellykaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie, wow kick a girl while she's down! I'm actually a very strong person, I've been a single mum for over 5 years (mostly through choice) no it doesn't give him the right to treat me the way he did I know that. When I say ideal man, he does have a lot of good points but yes he was a dick to me years ago. We haven't been in touch mainly because I pushed him away, he always comes back. I told him I rather be just friends, and he was very understanding, and even said he won't try to touch or kiss me as it wouldn't be right. Will I stay friends, I don't know, all I wanted really was confirmation of shall I give a human a second chance.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 Think...think...and then think again. I hope that in the end you will chalk this man up to bad taste, bad timing, a bad place in your life (notice all the BAD??) and make a GOOD decision and close the book on this guy. He's a user and he thinks that you are weak and vulnerable and are willing to snatch any little bread crumbs he throw your way.
You are a grown woman and somewhere deep inside you must know that going out with this man again wouldn't be smart. I am confused about one thing. Unless you have a very misguided idea of what an "ideal man" is...this guy (dick as you called him) is FAR from being your ideal.
Shut the book, lock it and throw away the key on this one. You deserve FAR FAR better than what this man can offer. Respect yourself or others won't!
...............................
A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (2 May 2017):
 He seems to me a man that sensed your vulnerability and has exploited it to get you to have sex with him! What a cad!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 May 2017):
 His insecurities aren't an excuse to be rude to you, the guy is just an ass. I think the majority of people on earth will be insecure about something so does that give them the right to be impolite to other people because of it? Of course not, so don't let him use that as a reason for it.
Yes, I think you're correct in that he will continue trying to get you into bed if you decide that you want to try and pursue a friendship with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2017):
 OP?
What exactly do you need help with? Your REALLY bad common sense? your REALLY bad taste in men?
You say you are confused - what is there to be confused about? This guy KNOWS you are an EASY conquest. Someone he can treat like dirt and STILL have sex with. Someone he can STOP talking to when he has "better" or simply isn't horny.
The WAY he treated you on that first date SHOULD have made you realize that there is NO WAY you would want to BE with him, let alone have ANY sort of contact.
Seriously, OP... WHAT is wrong with you? If you don't understand WHY he treats you poorly, it's because YOU allow it. The "excuse" that he had insecurities and thus it was OK to treat you badly - it's a crock of BS.
YOU, dear OP ARE in charge of how people TREAT you. You SIMPLY don't keep abusive people around. Being nice to them or caring for them WILL not make them change.
YOU think he won't be a DICK to you again? Because what? He SAID so?
He isn't looking to be your friend. He is looking to USE you.
Please, OP have a little more self-respect and common sense and don't let guys like this BE the guy YOU choose to keep around. There are SO many other men out "there" and finding one who ISN'T a dick, who will treat you right is possible to find.
Words are cheap, OP.
You have known him for 4 years and nothing GOOD has come from it. WHY waste any more time on this one?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2017): No! He doesn't want to be friends! Those conversations with him are just a means to an end. They're a means to get you to talk and tell him your vulnerability. So he can keep you hanging around. As they say, it's you committing to him. You're his play thing and he wants you all to himself. Please cut all contacts. Block him!
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 From your description, it sounds like he is just out 'fishing' for a friends with benefits. I'd be VERY cautious if I were you.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellykaw +, writes (2 May 2017):
kellykaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your replies. This story is a lot deeper than what I wrote but too long to go into. I know the reason he treated me horrible was because he's own insecurities. It's my own fault I feel an 'easy lay' because back then I sort of was, I so wanted to be loved I did all the wrong things to try find it, thankfully I'm not like that anymore! I'd like to be friends with him, but I think he will keep trying it on with me which would make it difficult. Thanks again I need to really think about this
...............................
A
female
reader, Crissydavelle +, writes (2 May 2017):
Hunny I have been there and done that! Multiple times. I met a guy online who I knew from the day we started wasn't a nice guy but I was at a vulnerable stage in my life and needed company. The sexual tension between us was unbearable and I thought that meant we were meant to be. It wasn't. We would go from talking everyday to no conversation at all for months. And then he would pop back up again claiming he's missed me and he is sorry for everything. And I would fall for it and end up sleeping with him and then everything would phase out again. I realised that having a man in my life validated me. And I think you do too, I might be wrong. I had to learn the hard way that if he wanted to be with me he would by now. Nobody stops talking to someone that they really want to be with no matter what. It's not going to be easy but you have to walk away, for yourself. Your slowly damaging yourself by givinh in to him. Your heart is going to fight your head everyday but keep strong. He's going to keep coming back but you need to let him know that he's the guy you need. He's going to claim he's changed and cares for you and that's why he came back but do not give in. Let him prove himself. Actions speak louder than words.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2017): Classic! Youve got yourself a long term problem!He can insult you, drop you, pick you up again and ditch you!Maybe there was part of your body he didnt get and wants to try because you are highly gullible!No, no no he doesnt love you!No, no, no he isnt interested in long term anything except perhaps your eternal sleep after he has got you where he needs you to be!No no no he does not think you have been faithful for a year or so (to him) and no he doesnt respect you for it!He just sees you as easy bait and an easy target!This man is not the love of your life, he is the nightmare of your life and you might as well see he does what he wants, when he wants and how he wants!Probably even got a wife too.Maybe kids also but he tells you what he thinks you need to hear until you back pedal and then he gets nasty!You could expect to be slapped about or worse next time.Avoid and create ficticious friends if necessary and sod the sexting!Thats only his 'proof' that you were up for it!Meet a decent person or go celibate or write kiddies books with happy endings but do not go down this deadend track again!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 No no no, -he does not want to date you, he wants to f..k . That's why he bothered to be apologetic- which did not prevent him from being very forward sexually basically the moment you " reconnected ".
You are right to be weary- how he acted in the past is very telltale and I don't see where you get from his attitude and actions so far that he would be even vaguely interested in something NOT meaningless.
As for him thinking that you are easy- isn't it a bit late to worry about that now ?- I mean, at your first date 4 years ago " one thing led to another " etc. etc; very quickly and even if he had not been nice to you. Now , not that you need to worry about what this "dickish " guy ( or any other guy, as for that ) thinks about your sexual behaviour, which is your personal decision of which you are accountable only to yourself based on your moral values.
But, if he is the kind of man who spits in the plate where he is eating ( i.e. he has sex on a first date , then thinks SHE is easy ) - well, that must have happened already anyway .
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 May 2017):
How could he possibly be your ideal man whilst giving you the worst insults you've ever had?
Sounds like a complete dick. Would run from this one and not look back.
I think denizen hit the nail on the head that he only apologised because he wants to get back into your underwear. If you were meant for each other why would you keep losing touch? You both would of been doing everything you could to make it work.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 May 2017):
 I am confused about you! You say he insulted you and it took ages to get over it. And yet you slept with him?
When he apologised, could it be that he just wanted to screw somebody and he thought why not try her again?
If you really think this might be the one - and for me that is an enormous 'If', then he ought to be able to wait 12 months to prove that it is you he wants and not just a shag (please excuse my French).
...............................
|
