A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a unhealthy relationship for the past 8 years and was perfectly ok with it. Recently I have met an amazing women whom is 10 yrs younger that is in a relationship with someone for the past 6 years and own a home together. We have been spending an enormous amount of time together and I have very strong feelings for her. For the first time in 2 months I have expressed my feeling to this individual after a night of drinking and she said she felt the same. I have seen her again since but nothing was said as if we never had the conversation. We have not been initimate as of yet. I'm confused and need advice. I don't really care how it affects my relationship but how it affects hers. Please give me some direction. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (17 November 2010):
Hello and thank you for your kind words. I pleased that I have been able to help in some way.
I know you feel that your mind is going around in circles, and that is because it IS.
Ok...If we are now to reduce the situation down to the 'deal' on the table, it is this: Your priority to to remain at home and be a full-time father. This is going to last for at least another 8 years. All you can offer this woman is the option to have an affair. The question is, is she willing to have an affair with you? This is the bottom line.
Let's really break this down a little bit further, shall we? You are willing to have sex with her but you are not willing to become single for her. It's not about sex - it's about the passion? So, this passion is going to lead you to wild crossword puzzle sessions is it? Of course sex is a massive part of this (not all of it - but a massive part).
I suppose at this stage, as your mind is so intoxicated with this woman, you are not even going to be able to foresee all the problems starting an affair could bring into your life nor care - you're just thinking about her....thinking about her....thinking about her. This is an infatuation. Infatuations are intense and all consuming. All you can think about is her and all you can think about is what SHE thinks about you. How does she feel about me? What shall I say to her? THESE are the repeated thoughts that are going around and around again and again. The thing is with infatuations is that they really do just have to run their course.
I still suggest that you see a counsellor about your resentment towards your wife and how to cope with your feelings of betrayal. Ideally, you and your wife should go together but I suspect you two can barely have a conversation with each other.
If you are going to offer an affair, then you are going to have to be honest and tell her how it is. I am not leaving my kids for 8 years.
Best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Viv, I don't know what you do for a living but I think you found yourself a career as a counselor. Just kidding. You're so right on so many areas that's almost scary. I don't believe its an infatuation but I do agree that she does show me a side of me that I haven't seen or cared about for the past 8 years. I think I was content with my situation because I truly wanted to be a full time dad and would never compromise that for ANYONE. I think my plan has been from the beggining to move out once the kids were out on their own (still have another atleast 8 more years to go). My first problem is that I do think about her all the time and I can't get her out of my mind. I do agree with your earlier post that cheating doesn't neccesarily has to do with physical acts but emotional as well. Secondly, I don't even know if she feels the same way. When I confessed my feelings to her a few nights ago, I phrased it as follows, "I hope I'm not make a fool of myself but I think I have very strong feelings for you". She responded by saying, "you're not, the feeling is mutual". I know that she's not your typical women and has a shy side to her and I don't know if she expects me to react first? Or is it my intial thought of, she might feel the same way I do, but wouldn't let things happen because she doesn't want to hurt any of the parties involved. In regard to your question, If she called tonight and asked me to go to bed with her, my answer would probably be yes but only if she understands the consequences. I don't "believe" thats its the sexual act I'm thinking about, its more about the passion. I can't begin to express how I really feel about her. I'm seeing her tomorrow and we'll be working together away from the office. I wish I knew what to do or say. Sorry for my prolonged reply that just keeps going in circles but you've been a tremendous help. I hope you have a wonderful person in your life because you're truly a caring person. Thnx
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (16 November 2010):
....sorry, answer got cut off.
The next stage of an infatuation is the idealization of the person. They are amazing and wonderful and have no flaws. The next stage is basically a roller-coaster ride of emotions - hope versus uncertainty. Will we be together, won't we be together?
If she called you right now and asked to go to bed with you. What would you do?
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (16 November 2010):
Hello.
The conflict is: Unhealthy relationship plus kids of 8 years versus infatuation with new work colleague. Which one has the greater pull on your heart, soul and mind?
I think one of the answers you are looking for is: Would I be willing to leave my kids for this woman? Would I be willing to become a part-time father for this woman?
Practical decisions of divorcing:
Would you need to move out from the family home and find an apartment? You would need to work out access to your children. What reason for moving out would you tell your children?
You have a very unhappy emotional, unfulfilling life with your wife and you clearly resent her cheating on you. Your solution was to emotionally pull away from her, loathe her and stay for the kids. I am assuming you have no kind of sex life whatsoever with her. So, you are not getting affection and kindness from her and she is not getting affection and kindness from you and neither of you is sleeping with the other.
I really suggest that you find a counsellor or, if possible, you and your wife go to a relationship counsellor. You were and are clearly very hurt by her cheating. This resentment has never gone away and you decided that you would just stop caring and just be physically present for the sake of your kids.
Miserable home life. And them, someone really nice shows up at work, you get along and guess what - all that pent up desire for closeness, desire for affection, desire for kindness has a face and it gives birth to an infatuation. You have an infatuation. Can't stop thinking about you..can't stop thinking about you...can't stop thinking about you....can't stop thinking about you. Wanna be with you...wanna be with you...wanna be with you.
The first stage of an infatuation is that someone takes on a 'special' status in our minds and you become stricken by this person. The next stage is 'intrusive' thinking. Every moment you have with them takes on a deeper meaning and when you are apart you think about and relish every moment together, waiting for the next time you see them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You have very valid points. I don't know how I would react for that matter. I guess I'm looking for direction but I don't even know what answer I'm looking for. I think about her 24/7 and I don't think it has anything to do with my current relationship or the fact that I'm lacking intimacy. I just think she's an amazing and extremely special person and I would love to spend eternity with her. We both work together which allows me to see her more frequently (bonus). I just don't know if it's fair to her or her partner for me to interfere in their lives. I guess I'm looking for the perfect answer to which I know there isn't. What should be my next move if you were in my position? Do I do the right thing and step off or do I take a chance at fairy tale romance that might lead to a lifetime of happiness? I so much appreciate your help and input. I just don't know what to do! I will keep you updated. Tnx
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (15 November 2010):
Hello and thank you responding back to me. I do see your conflict of emotions and I am going to try and help you focus.
Question:
Your female friend, whom you have strong feelings for, calls you and tells you she wants to be with you. She wants to be with you exclusively. However, she doesn't want to sleep with you until you leave your partner. She wants you to be single and she wants to be single.
What happens? What's your first move? You just got the phone call. What action do you take?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Viv, I want to thank you for your response. With that being said, I left out a few very important details. The reason I'm still in the relationship is because I have 2 children with this women and want to be a full time dad. She betrayed me years ago with infidelity and I never forgave her for it. I guess, I did it for the sake of the kids, sounds like a cliche. My dilema is how it effects her relationship and my guilt sets in because I know it feels to be heart broken. Secondly, I had many opportunities for relationships with other women but I was never interested. I think about her all the time. Part of me tells me to let it go and the other wants a chance at love. Please respond back.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Viv Acious could not have put it better, or more vivaciously. Looking for my advice? Follow her advice.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (14 November 2010):
Hello.
Actually, you should care how it affects BOTH your relationships. It seems your relationship of 8 years has been discarded as completely worthless. Also, why on earth were/are you perfectly ok with an unhealthy relationship?
I hate to point out but you have been intimate. You have been emotionally intimate and that counts as a betrayal. An infidelity can be described as any physical or emotional intimacy that betrays the trust of a partner. Flirty emails, phone sex, chat sites, and emotionally intimate friends, all tick the box of cheating. You have strong emotional feelings for this woman. Your thoughts are about her. Your physical side wants to be with her. You see - emotionally driven decisions. Where desire goes, the body wants to follow.
It could be because you have been tolerating an unhappy situation for so long, anyone showing you attention or kindness can only be seen as 'better' (it couldn't be worse)- and it could be ANYONE showing you some kindness or attention. Maybe this friendship is just highlighting what is absent in your relationship. Maybe it is showing you that you should leave your unhealthy relationship. You are already mentally and emotionally absent from it - time to move the body too.
As for your woman friend, what is she playing at? Someone else who thinks her relationship is also dead? Maybe it is and maybe you are there to highlight that to her.
So, you get drunk and you both confess you have strong feelings for each other. You are aleady mentally and emotional absent from your relationship, so there was a vacancy to fill already. Maybe her ties are stronger and in the cold, sobre light of day - she felt a terrible conflict and guilt. This is possibly why she did not mention it. If you also look it from her point of view - YOU have not mentioned it either. Maybe both of you were waiting for the other to go first.
Some direction. a) Make a decision about your relationship regardless of the outcome of your friend. If it's unhealthy, just end the misery. Walk away. Why would you continue it? If your relationship were a animal, wouldn't you put it down?
As for the woman. I suggest you take the lead and talk to her about what happened. If she refuses to meet to talk about it - it kind of tells you what's going on for her, doesn't it? She is either embarrassed, ashamed and/or confused. Don't push it.
I think the most important thing is that you look at and deal with your relationship first.
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