A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am confused and need advice...from someone that doesnt know me or my husband. We have been married for 8 months now and I feel very distant and out of love with him. When he touches me or kisses me I dont feel anything and it really scares me. I think its because of how he treats me. He owns a business and is always stressed out and if our house is a mess he starts to get verbally abusive. I do his payroll and bookkeeping for his business and one night it was about 8 or 9 at night and he told me I needed to do payroll and I was on my computer playing games on pogo, I only had to play a few more games to win my challenge and I said I would do payroll as soon as I was done, well he blew up at me, so I quit playing my game and went into our office and started working on payroll. I had to pay bills to so I had to make sure we had enough money in our accounts so he came down to the office and asked if the amount on our calculator was where we were at so far, he said to just give him a yes or no, so I said yes but I still have to write two checks so I dont know where we'll be and he completely blew up at me, yelling at me because I couldnt just say yes or no, he didnt need me to explain it, all he wanted was a simple answer. Then he went on about no wonder my boss is mean to me and I can't do anything how Im told, and on and on. I told him to get out, I didnt need this from him. Then he just kept yelling at me telling me to grow up and toughen up. I told him again to get out and he wouldnt, he kept yelling so then I told him to get out, I hate him and I want a divorce. Then he just says wow you hate me and want a divorce. I said yeah because Im tired of being treated like this. He later apologized and I did to for what I said, but I am really starting to actually consider seperating from him. I love him and care about him but I can't handle his temper, or his name callin. I have gained weight since we started seeing eachother 3 1/2 years ago and he has called me fat and the b word among many others, like spoiled brat, baby, etc. I have told him how this hurts me and he says sorry but then he does it again. I know he does it out of stress and frustration, but with owning a business and having debt its always going to be stressful and I don't see him changing his ways. I told him if he can't change then I want to seperate for awhile, just to clear my head and figure out if I can stay in this relationship. Also, I have a friend that I used to date on and off for 3 years, he was at the stage where he didnt want a relationship so we ended up just friends. Well I always wanted more and we had slept together then I didnt hear from him for awhile so I called him and he didnt answer then later on I got a call from a girl that said she was his girlfriend. I was shocked and hurt, so I didnt talk to him for 2 years. Then about 2 years ago he came back to work with me and we started talking here and there at work, then I got invited to his going away party because he entered into the national guard, at his party he told me he was happy we could be friends again, and that it means a lot to him, I said it did to me too. He has been at the National Gaurd since the beginning of February, and on saturdays he gets a overnight pass, so a month ago he sent me a text and we were talking like normal friends do, then the other week I got in a argument with my husband and started thinking about my friend and how I still have feelings for him. Well I got a text from him, which was wierd since he was on my mind. He basically told me he screwed up and he has feelings for me and wishes things could have been different. He said he was sorry and that he was stupid and he wished he would have realized three years ago what I meant to him. He also said he doesnt want anything to come between my husband and I but he wants me and I want him, so I am confused and dont know what to do. I cant just stop talking to my friend because I work with him. I reall feel like he is the one for me, no matter how hard we try we cant get over each other and when we look at eachother there is so much chemistry. I am not happy in my marriage so I think that is why my feelings for my friend are so strong, I dont want to just give up on my marriage because I made a committment and said vows but I dont know how I can live with a verbally abusive husband. One that I'm not even in love with anymore. Has anyone else experienced anthing like this, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, UnhappyAlone01 +, writes (24 April 2010):
our situations are a little bit diff. but the bottem line is the same we can help eachother out I think contact me back
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I've been with my man for 6 years. We're not married but plan on it soon. Both of you are wrong in my opinion. He's wrong for yelling at you and making you feel the way you feel. He's wrong for taking his work out on you, but you're wrong for getting mad at him over a silly game. I understanding wanting to be with someone else while your in a relationship and maybe wanting to act on it. It's one thing if you and your husband were just still dating, but you made a commitment and vow that ties you both together. So either tell him he needs to go to counciling, or both go together. Being with someone isn't always a candle light picnic, it's hard work to stay together ecspecially if you love one another. Try giving him his space when he gets home from work. Find new ways to calm him down, like make him his favorite snack or treat, do something romantic, put on his favorite movie. Then try and do what he asks you, maybe not right away but at least within 5 to 10 minutes, because he does take priority over a game.As for your guy friend stop talking to him romantically, or keep the convo's short and don't read into it more than it is, or even less frequent. Start confiding in your female friends... You need to concentrate on your marriage not, someone else who it may or may not work out with.
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A
female
reader, mommy-of-three +, writes (18 July 2008):
I'm not married but I have been with this guy for 7yrs. off and on. So i know what you are going through, cause i have been going through it for 7yrs. I have been trying to find a way out of but everytime that i leave i end up going back to him. Part if that is cause we have 3 kids together and that makes it a little harder to leave. I have a guy friend that i has strong feeling for and the other way around. I would like to say that if you are really unhappy then i would get out of it before it gets bad. I am not saying that it would but I am saying it could. I think that you should get out cause i don't think that he will change. The guy that i'm with has been telling me that he is going to change and he still has not changed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. I am a strong believer in "leaving your work, at work". Your husband is verbally abusing you on a regular basis, and obviously not on the way to changing that anytime soon. In terms of the feelings you have for another, thats a different situation all together. If you really are not in love with your husband anymore, and you need to leave (because once again, everyone deserves to be happy) do so. However, do not rush to your friend and tell him all your feelings for him. I'm sure part of the reason your feelings are so strong is the old saying "you always want what you can't have". I hope you find out what to do, and trust me I know exactly how you feel. Be happy.
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A
female
reader, bday121 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 I don't really like the other answers so far. First of all, your husband is jerk, he doesn't respect you, he's emotionally abusive, and he needs some freaking help with that stress management! I don't blame you for being interested in other men! However, you did make vows. Why did you marry him? Was he nicer back then or has he always been a psycho? Have you called him out on his anger problems?
I think what could work miracles for you two, if you can afford it, is some marriage counseling. If not, start saving up and just work on better communication for now. Make sure to talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling and listen to whatever he has to say to you (as long as it's respectful and said in a calm, not angry, manner. Don't allow yourself to be his anger outlet.)
Try to fix your marriage for now. If things still aren't working out in a year or two, then consider spereration. And don't rebound to another guy until you're out of your marriage!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): First, the problems you have now with your husband, will only materialize in any other relationship you get in. Why? Because like most of us, you haven't learned how to manage relationships. Your husband is tapped out, he probably knows it, especially when you remind him. You both need to discuss the situation together and compromise and come up with a mutual agreement.
Do you work outside of the house? Do your have kids? If you answer no to both, then you should have allot of free time to help out more, maybe think of a plan and present it to him to make life easier and cost effective: keep costs down. Bargain for supplies, etc.
If you've had an affair, then your the weak link in the relationship, and you need an attitude adjustment: the world doesn't revolve around you, nor does the world, including your husband, owe you the dream life, it takes hard work at times.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Your married, your now a wife, and you made certain promises, that you should try to keep for longer than 8 months.
I agree with your husband, you have behaved as an immature child in this matter. After eight months your gonna leave your husband over a game of "pongo". You don't love him any more so your gonna get a divorce. Mmmm.... I wonder how long the next guy, who you share "so much chemistry" for will last.
Your a grown woman, old enough to get married, and old enough to show some committment and get the damned thing to work. What did you think marriage would be like anyway, fun and games instead of arguements and bills. Welcome to the real world baby. Go ahead leave your husband, get a divorce, run off with the new guy, but it won't make a difference, you need to grow up and learn how to make relationships work.
Learn to share with your husband, become his help mate, give him blue murder when he makes you feel small and puts you down (caue that's really not on). Tell him what you like, tell him how you feel. Find out how he feels, make things fun, do things to make your relationship happy and harmonous. Read up on how good communication can make a marriage work. Try to make it work before you rush off in a temper and do something that you later will regret.
If you try all this and you still feel no love, and still feel unhappy. Then leave him of course, and make a decent single life on your own.
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