A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, Im 26 and my b/f is 47 and we've very much in love. We've been seeing each other since I was 18, so almost 8 years now. We have a complicated relationship, he was with someone else until about a year and a half ago, which I knew about but she still does not. I was with my ex g/f when we met and saw him as just a bit of fun, we met on the internet.I moved down south to move in with him about a year ago and although we're happy most of the time there are still some problems. He priortises his ex's feeling, we live in a small community and he doesn't want me to get a job etc because he doesn't want his ex to know I've moved in so soon. He told her we met a year ago. At first I was understanding of this but now I'm fed up, I feel like he's asking me to put my life on hold to save someone elses feelings. Before I moved in I told him I want kids, now he says he doesn't want them because it'll upset his ex, she's in her late thirties, single and childless. I can't imagine not being with him, I've had these expectations and hopes for so long and now it's nothing like I thought it would be. I want a future with him, I hope we can work through our problems but he's very stressed with work and doesn't want to talk about anything, just says everyone is putting pressure on him. I want to save our relationship but it's all moving too slow, I need more. My family all like him, his parents made no comment but treated me like a child (I look 10 years younger than I am, although I imagine that'll work out with time. Anyone else in this prediciment or had any similar experience? Should I stick it out and let things just happen in their own time? Am I asking too much?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Hello everyone, thanks for your advice, I appreciate it very much. I'm going to sit him down and get him to talk, see where we end up. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, angela2  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Hi, I find myself wanted to say something about it. I was in a relationship with a man of that age gap. Age gap should not be a problem. You are lucky that your family approved the relationship and though his family did not say anything it seems they will give consent.In this sense I wish i were as lucky as you are. For age gap relationship, one of the biggest obstacles is to gain the consent from the families of both the parteis.Be patinent and find out why he wants so much to keep it from his ex that you are together.Beacuse he doesn't want to hurt her(it does not make sense since they broke up a long time ago) or what else. As to the kids, do not worry, if he turlly in love with you, he will do anything to make you happy.Best wishes!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I have certainly been there before, so I hope this helps. It troubles me to hear that he still puts his ex above you, if it's that way now, there is a possibility that it will not change. Everything seems exciting and new in the beginning, especially since there was some element of sneaking around (the unforbidden). Unfortunately there is a down side to this as well, once you obtain what you wanted, sometimes you realize that you just don't want that anymore (we want what we want until it's ours). Since both of you consented on moving in together, he should be supportive that you want to work outside of the home. The not wanting to talk about things is an automatic red flag. If he loves you, then he should be able to sit down with you and discuss anything. Everyone has stress at work, but we have to reach deep down inside and make ourselves available to one another. You are there for him, so he should be there for you. It sounds to me like he may still be seeing his ex on the side, because he should want to make you a priority, an allow this relationship to grow in a healthy manner (that means spending time out and away from your home, etc.). He in no way should be hesitant to let others know that the two of you are together. The ex is the ex, but regardless, you should now be his priority. If he only wanted to be helpful to the ex, then why can't he sit down with you and discuss her? There is a way to approach that topic without making you feel as if you are being excluded, or that your feelings are just as important. I am not saying that I would bail on the relationship, but you need to sit him down and tell him that if he can't come to you and discuss his problems, etc., then perhaps both of you might consider some professional advice. Meet with a therapists, this could be something as simple as finding a better way to communicate. Don't make any hurried decisions, take some time and actually evaluate how you feel, deep down you probably already know the answer, but only when you are ready, will the right steps be taken. As far as the age difference goes, that all comes down to the individual, some people at 47 act as if they are 2, and at 20 some are very mature and can handle this type of relationship. The only one who seems to have a problem with this is his parents, but keep in mind, no one is good enough for their son. Take some time and try to determine why he will not communicate with you, stress is not a good answer, everyone deals with stress every day, even you, and that's just one element in our lives that is not going away anytime soon. I hope this helps and I wish you guys the best. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, WastedLife  +, writes (22 May 2008):
I'd suggest that you two talk a lot. Let him know your feelings, and do your best to let him understand that you understand his. He's old enough to prioritize your feelings now - he is no longer with his ex, and she will find out you two are together anyway. See a relationship GOOD relationship counselor together and be clear that you want to make things work if at all possible. The age gap here is not the problem, his shame/guilt/fear regarding being clear and honest with his ex is.
He probably needs help working through this, and you need him to get working on it. Let him know you need him to see a counselor with you and that you need to see some movement on this very soon - within a few months at most. "it's own time" can be forever.
Good luck.
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