A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. Please can you throw some light on this. Thanks. I have recently come out of a long abusive relationship and feel happier than ever. I've been out partying and dating and having a great time. Anyway, last weekend I met a guy I was strongly attracted too. Turns out he lives across the rd. I slept with him last night, knowing full well that it was only ever going to be a sex thing, but am happy with that. The sex was intense and passionate and surprisingly intimate. I felt a bit uncomfortable staying there, and he picked up on it. His freind called him and he made a joke about going to the pub for an hour and leaving me at his place. I took offence to that. Joke or not. I got restless and he said i look restless but if I wanted to stay he would leave me a key to lock the door as he would have to get up earlier than me for work. I said no it's cool, am going to go. I got a bit upset and huffy and got dressed. He got dressed and was going to walk me home. I said not too bother, he said see you tommorow? I said I was busy. He asked for a kiss goodnight and i walked off. I was overwhelmed. I got in and felt bad, so I called him but no answer, and texted saying sorru re. Break down in communication, but that I was not sure if he wanted me to stay over and that i would see him the next day. I woke up and saw a missed call from him, and a text saying he was sorry too. I texred him again and said you ok? I had a bit to drink lasr night' and ge said. 'Aww.ok', and that's been it. No word since. Was I too harsh on him? I was not expecting to feel like that. I don't know what happened. I would like to see him again, but do not want to chase him. Please advise. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cindy cares. Lol i agree bit basic manners to respond is not asking much!! He had the where withall to answer and be polite last weekend!! To he honest, I 'm kinda relieved to not have to continue. I knew it would not last but it's cool. I had fun...ish.lol
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2015):
 If you are really done with him it's a moot point, but....I think you have missed completely the whole point of his interaction with you, ( or, the interaction of the widest majority of 20something guys with an appreciation for much older women ) : he wants to keep it casual. Veeery casual. He likes you, he likes having sex with you and evidently he also does not mind spending some time with you socially, still no, he won't date you, he won't do anything date-ish; so he won't commit himself even that little to let you " book " him one or two days in advance. He does not want to be pinned down to spending THAT precise evening with you- in case something better comes up last minute . Not necessarily in terms of women - it may be a night of video games with pals, or an evening of , I don't know, playing air guitar home alone. Then again, he is 26 , what do you expect ?
I have got the feeling that you SAY the politically correct thing: you are only looking for sex and a little comfort , it's not serious, no particular feelings are involved etc. etc..... but then in practice you can't muster the right breezy, unconcerned, in-the-moment attitude. Like two kids playing in the sandbox,with not a care in their minds.
Trust me, he is not confused at all. And by this I do not mean that he HAS to be some mean son-of-a-gun that only wants to use you and exploit you . I think he also liked your company ,not the sex only. Just that , he most probably was up for a very " light ", no fuss, disengaged
thing. No moods, no tantrums , - and no etched-in-stone appointments. Otherwise he becomes slippery.
I don't blame you if you feel this is not the right kind of thing for you, and if you feel that the comfort he may offer is not worth the aggravation and frustration.
But I don't think it is totally fair portraying him as potentially abusive. It's just that .... it's as if you had gone to buy shoes at a tabacconist's and then got mad at the shopkeeper because he is not giving you what you want . It's not that he wants to be abusive, it's just the he does not carry shoes to begin with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree re. making bad descisions. However. It is now over. !! He called me on.monday night saying he was in the local pub and did I want to join him fpr a drink? I was very tired and in bed so let him know that and that I would not be out. He sounded very embaressed, and said ok ok love you bye. I felt a bit bad he was so embaressed so texted him saying I could meet him on the tuesday or weds. No response. So i called him yesterday morning. No answer So i texted omce more saying I could meet him in the pub at 8.30 that evening? He still did not answer. I was not sure if this was because he was embaressed and had said love you ( i was a bit surprised at that) or if it was because he could not get his own way. He was at home last night. As he lives so near I could see his lights on!! Anyway either way, I will not be seeing him again. If he tries to call I will ignore it. Its starting to look a bit nasty eg.him ignoring as I would not see him when he wanted to see me or even if he ignored out of embaressment, its still not acceptable. No way. I'm a bit shocked but glad I ' ve seen it earl,and yes the last thing i need is anotger abusive relationship and i quite agree that a bit of counselling will help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): you are overthinking it. an ONS is a bizarre occurance for both men and women. that's why he is also acting confused. You need to decide if ONS is good for you. I would suggest you get a little counseling as you are single now. so that you avoid making bad decisions and getting yourself entangled with another abusive relationship. sometimes our picker can be broken. also do you have self destructive tendencies? healthy questions to ask ourselves. best of luck!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 "Was I too harsh on him?" No.... you were a pushover, and he took advantage of that. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend time with??????
Good luck.....
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2015):
 Very good! Glad you got it sorted.
Be careful. My earlier advice stands. You're not built for one night stands, and you're still in danger of getting your heart broken, because this isn't an activity one uses their heart for - just their biological needs, and hence, the genitalia and bodies.
Check your insecurities about age differences and all that at the door. If you can use this guy as a salve to mend what happened to you earlier, then more power to you. Both of you are being honest about it. But be careful, because it can end up doing more damage.
Keep your eyes open, lady!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I have a good update. He called me last night and came here, and we got it sorted.i'm really relieved, as it has cleared the air. He said he is actually busy today, and that he was a sorry. He did not make any 'going to the pub 'jokes either. Also, I can see that it will not last at all, and that's fine with me. He's a gentle nice type if guy,and he's just what I need after the four years if hell I went through. I spoke to him again re. The age gap and he said he does not care. He is Italian so maybe has a different mindset towards age gaps.I give it a couple if months nax, and it will burn out. In the meantime i'm going to keep going out and keep my optiins open. He knows and I know it's juamst sex and a bit of comfort.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 You are obviously a kind hearted woman and you are projecting your sensitivities onto him, which in reality he has none. He's probably not giving much thought and moving on with life. I don' think all one night stands are trashy but with this one, treat him like trash. Don't reuse, recycle. Just burn him in your mind. When you see him just say hi and smile. Nothing else.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2015):
 Don't be ashamed, you had a roll in the hay with you young man who made the sex great for you and himself. WHAT is there to be ashamed of?
Nothing.
I think he blocked you on the app to make a point, as he might have felt that YOU were regretting the deed as soon as it was done. Si now you both have a little bit of hurt feelings over misunderstand each other. THAT can happen with 2 strangers. You don't know him from Adam, he doesn't know you from Eve.
Don't beat yourself up. But learn from it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): I would like to add that even though you look young for your age - realistically a 26 year old lad is not going to want to start dating a 47 year old lady no matter young she looks.
Lads that age are either after one nights stands - like he was - or if he is looking for a relationship will date a younger woman with views to having children one day. It's harsh but true. A 26 year old man would not want a serious relationship with a woman 20 years older.
You let him have you for a ONS - accept that the deed is done & move on. Either that or next time - think twice before you jump into bed with someone!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. What makes it worse is that he is nit even showing on my whassap now. I think thats an over reaction. Its nit like anything bad enough happened to warrant him blocking me which I think he has done. I feel ashamed, as i will have to face him again near me one day.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2015):
I have to agree, I don't think you are really wanting ONS, going by your behavior.
His on the other had is not. The fact that he was suggesting to leave you and go hang out with his mates, means that he isn't interested in more than sex. Now he MIGHT want to have sex again with you occasionally, but date you? I don't think so.
And then the whole texting and misunderstanding and over-interpreting what was said? Not really going to help you.
Let it go and chalk this up to an little lesson. Going home with a guy and having sex, is usually how you have a ONS. No matter how great or intimate the sex was, doesn't mean HE meant anything more than just sex.
I'd just be nice and polite if you run into him again, but not pursue him.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 September 2015):
All you did was look tense, and said you could go home by yourself. How was that harsh? He was rude by joking with his friends while you were there. No I don't think he can like you and do that. Sex does not have to be meaningful all the time, but I am sure no one likes to be treated like a joke. He's not cut out for one night stands either, if he doesn't know how to behave afterwards. Casual partners can still act with manners. You already deleted him, so don't put so much thought into this. He knew he messed up and it would be awkward from now on. Just judging from his phone conversation with his friends, I would not want anything to do with him. I know he's trying to boast the fact that he got this hottie last night and he was still free to do whatever as a free agent. technically he was but he was supposed to keep it to himself. guy talk is no longer if a woman is there to hear it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): One night stands are trashy - so expect to be treated like trash & binned off straight after! To be honest if you've just come out of an abusive relationship I'm surprised you trusted someone straight away to have a one night stand in the first place!
It sounds like you both liked each other - so maybe you should've treated the experience more like a date rather than just a quick bit of nookie!
Live & learn by your mistakes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. So I texted him. I said re. Meeting up for a drink tommorow? He texted back straight away saying' Im sorry. I cannot make it. I have somewhere important to go tommorow' so i said 'ok. Maybe catch up some other time. Take care'. He is either hurt or totally does not want to know. I have deleted his number.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to ansa. I am to shy to go to his house.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am to embaressed to go to his house out of the blue. X
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (26 September 2015):
 Just go walk over to his house and hash it out, sounds like you two both do like each other, otherwise he wouldn't ask about talking tomorrow and calling you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood point You wish. I'm confused now as I also think I was harsh , but maybe because of that. I just want to know I did not hurt or reject him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Thanks Ivy Blue. That makes sense. I had not thought of that. It must have upset him. :-(There is something I left out of this post so that no one would judge it and base any answers on it. This fact has made no difference to me, but does mean there I won't be getting attached so to speak. I am 47 - he is 26. He knows my age, it made no difference at all to him, plus I look about 34.( no joke ) so get approached by younger men alot, but this is the first time I have considered one and had sex with. He is mature and calm. ( I came in as anon on the post as I just did hence age on post) anyway, I had better text and ask to meet up and explain re. Drink. I did not mean it that way. Hope he talks to me again. :-( he probably won't want to meet me again, plus as he lives across the road I will probably bump into him at some point. X thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2015):
I don't think you're built for one night stands.
You kinda went too hard on him because it was understood that it was meaningless sex. But you wanted it to be meaningful sex.
You should talk to him in person. Be honest with him, and understand that ONS sex has no strings. He can sleep with you and then go to the pub. It's what happens! You were just upset because you felt like it was this intimate, emotional, meaningful thing, and his comments showed that he didn't feel that way. Your ego was bruised and your feelings hurt.
Don't do one night stands! They're not worth it, and like I said - you're not really built for them.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 September 2015):
 I think things are always best said in person. Txt'ing is just too darn ambiguous. Matched with your behaviour, if I were to interpret your "I had a bit to drink last night "comment it would go a little something like this:
YOU: Last night was a mistake and I'm going to blame it on the alcohol.
HIM: Shock…better leave it at that then
Go clear the air with him, just don't make a big deal out of it.
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