A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I gonna lay it out here once and for all. My gf of nearly 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago. We have a 10 year gap in age (it was never an issue at least as I think of it) and she left saying she needed some time for herself and that she drifted apart from me to nothing in the last one month or so. We both had decided to move countries in search of better jobs. Because of this there was always a little uncertainty. She cites this as her issue that she wants to be alone and get time for her own career issues. But I am not satisfied with this since I think this is just an excuse. If u really love someone and want to be with them u will stay with them despite the ups ans down and career moves and the uncertainty. After me telling her this she said she just wants to be alone to figure out what to do with her life, because she is young. To me that sounds like she just never loved me and I was just a passing guy.I met her again a few days ago. She was a wreck, crying a lot and feeling bad that she had hurt me so badly; a guy who truly loves her. I comforted her and we talked for hours sharing how badly we did in the last two months.She is trying to keep herself busy in all kinds of work. We kissed and then she left saying she did not want to do this but she had to. But now she is gone, I am almost sure of that. She still cares but that's it.I suspected there was someone else at some stage but after this meeting after the 2 month break up period, she was in bits and I know now it was not another guy.I am starting to doubt myself as someone who lost her because either I did not pay attention or she is just not the kinda girl who wants to commit. She said it was not my fault shes gone and totally blames herself for it. She still cares and lot and I do too. I do want to let her go away and be on her own. But I want to know why she did what she did. A question of closure i guess. She was just perfect; I found her after dating horrible women for nearly 5 years. She was traditional in a way she cared about me and her family and yet modern that she was strong and I felt proud to be her man. Now I am in tatters ! I feel i will never find someone like her and that she left me cause she was sure she will.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 I don’t think you should contact her. It’s better to let it go totally. IF she is that strong minded if she really wanted to talk to you she’d be talking to you… You swear you will never love again because you are still not over her. Work on healing and letting go of what was a good relationship and keep the good memories.
Sometimes we just outgrow our relationships and yes we CAN love someone and still NOT want to be with them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Well we all have different opinions.
To me, I don't have a problem making friends with my ex after a breakup. But to be honest none of them wants that from me.
I guess, I just have one ex whom I still get in touch from time to time.
We no longer communicate like before, but we just say hi hello, how are you. and most conversations are really short.
He became a part of my life, whats wrong getting a short message from him sometimes.
As per my feelings for him, I'm so over It.
Even if he tries to get back with me, it wouldn't work.
Sparks fizzle. That's all about it.
I hate drama. Its not gonna work for me. So when its over.
I have no problem, putting the words into my head and my heart. Its done.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you need to move on.
When you forget about your feelings for her that's the time you contact her and maybe you can be friends again.
Life is too short to always hold a grudge over someone.
God Bless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the response. I am not sure if contacting her is a good idea and I sometimes hope that I just run into her somewhere just to talk to her and ask her how she is, but that happening seems impossible as in the last 8 months I have only ran into her once. I feel like if we can give it another shot, it might work. Maybe she does not want that at all. But what if she does and she is waiting for me to talk to her again. She is very proud and probably would not contact me even if she wanted to cause she might think it hurts me. Its been 8 months now and although I have moved on well things still remind me of her. or maybe I am just being silly and she is already out there dating someone else. I swear never to love again. I sound cynical but you do learn a lot from your experiences.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 I have to disagree with Highmaintenance 101. I think that contacting her is a bad idea. If you are serious about moving on- but you still have feelings for her- it makes more sense that you stay away from anything that fans tose feelings flames ,and instead keep looking forward, not backward.
What do you stand to gain from contacting her ?
If she ignores you, you'll be crushed .
If she is polite and friendly ( " I am fine thank you. Had a little fender bender but nothing too bad " etc. etc. ) you'll inevitably start analyzing every comma, is she just being polite, or, maybe, perhaps ... ? and then you'll agonize whther you have to send ANOTHER email, or not... and so on and so forth for who knows how much time.
If she answers " I missed you like crazy ,I want you back "... well, that sounds like the perfect happy ending but actually it's not. You still would have the issues you had two months ago, she still would be thinking of her career, you still would be moning abroad, and you'd be back to square one.
Plus, you haven't considered something and, as bitchy as it sounds I'll say it because it is true. You have this instinct to nurture and protect her, and that's nice of you. But it only FEELS nice to the other person if she wants to be nurtured and protected by you. Probably she does not. If she had needed your nurture and protection, she'd still be with you. Or, at least, she would not have distanced herself so markedly.
Conclusion- if you really want to move on, this little message you want to send now is not so innocuous, it's rather detrimental in fact. Maybe there will be a time for it in future, when it will come from sheer, no expectations, unromantic friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): I don't see anything wrong. I mean just ask her how she is.
then see from there where your conversation with her will go from there.
Its just hi how are you.
What so scary with that. I don't understand you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there any point in contacting her again ? She and I have had no contact for 2 months now and we also do not run into each other at all. I do not want to contact her to come back to me. I just want to ask her how she is doing. But I dont want her to think I am needy and all cause its just my instinct to care about her. Things happen at times that remind me of her. Maybe she has already moved on, I dont know. I have changed and thought over many things in this time. I still have feelings for her but I am not a sad idiot. I go out and enjoy my life and am getting along much better now and having fun in my life. If i could reignite everything I would and not because I have. I know moving on is the best way. Any suggestions ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): It only hurts because you are always thinking about it or maybe you really love her that much. but eventually you will move on. there's nothing that you can do if she have lost those feelings she used to have for you.
if you sincerely love her, what makes her happy should make you happy too. I hope you forget soon. Just keep your options too. who knows it happened because you are about to meet a great person, someone God really saved for you.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I did tell her I forgave her. She is thankful we are still on good terms and she says she wont forget the time she spent with me. For me, my life is still in a complete mess and I am finding it hard to cope. Its almost like the death of a loved one. I feel like she wanted me to forgive her so she can move on quickly and words like "never forget the time together" seem to make no sense considering what I am going through. She has had her way and I am here all lost. I feel like I should tell her that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): She apologized. What are u waiting for?
Storm? Tornado?
Go ahead and forgive her and reply.
Follow what your heart tells you.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there againI just have one question to ask.My now ex-gf that i talked about here mailed me abt three weeks ago that she was angry at me the last time we talked and she did not want me to think she did not care. She did care when she was with me. She said she hopes I can forgive her for being rude and that she doesn't want our last words to be in anger.I haven't replied yet cause I am not sure how to. I am not angry at her, I never was ! One think I learned was that when u love someone so much u can never be angry at them and hold a grudge. I didn't reply cause I am still in love with her and I don't want to write something stupid that even remotely makes my chances to c her sometime again a total mess. I am not holding on, just want to make things ok and not a sore memory.Any ways I should reply? Thanks a million
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): Hi there!
You seem so in love with this girl, huh?
Well let me explain myself to you.
What would you lose if you tell out loud to her that you love her that much? NONE.
I maybe the worst person to ask about love because, I am just like your gf, I care about someone but I can't be with him.
Not because of anything else, he might not believe me if i tell him. but i don't care and i don't have plans telling him anyway. I just want to keep it to myself.
and that's what exactly my point. It is very possible that your gf also loves you, the way you do for her but just cant be with you.
Maybe this is not yet the right time for you and her.
and what do i mean by this?
"Keep on praying and try to let go."
Translation:
Keep on praying that may you and her will have a good life.
maybe together or separately. You don't wish something ill happen to someone you care about right?
To me, if you really love someone, you learn how to let go.
if letting go will make that someone happy. Then So Be it. life has to go on for you. Your world does not just revolves around her.
if you love her then just love her silently. Love is not selfish. if you are being selfish then that is not love but obsession.
Love is giving and patient. Since your a guy you have nothing to lose, let he know you love her, if you want tell her everyday. if that will make you satisfied.
If its not good enough for her, then just love her in silence, wish her good luck and kiss her memories goodbye.
Some love are not meant to be.
Sad but true. for the meantime, i highly suggest for you to try reading my article about forgetting someone you love the quickest way.
Lastly, Don't apologize to me. I perfectly understand what your going through. I am the one who's sorry for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd if u say "Keep on praying and try to let go." its just self contradicting ! I cannot let go if i keep praying cause it just means i am hung up on her. Sorry, I don't want to come across as mean. I am just not in a good place right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again. I c what u mean. I am thinking maybe I should get a clear closure from her since its what will make me move along for good. Maybe I just ask her once and for all; if i hear her say it clearly that "she never loved me and does not anymore, we will never be together again." it will then make me move on even if it will be painful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): Well that is your opinion.
As I said no one can validate how she really feels for you more than you do.
But just to let you know, it is also possible that she still love and cares for you.
There are some love which is not meant for us.
Even if we badly wanted to be with the person we love, for some reason, we can't be with the one we love.
I know, because I have experience it myself.
But its up to you what you want to believe, no one can change the way you think.
You can forget her in time.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear highmaintainance101,
Thanks a lot for ur reassuring comments. But I think I have to disagree that she still loves me. I don't think so. One does not leave you when the going gets tough if they really want to be with you. I think she has done that since she is just a little selfish and did not want to do anything that makes her life tougher. I don't blame her in some ways really but then it just means that she never truly loved me. As of fate, don't believe in that either. I am sure in a few months time she will be gone for good. And I am finding it really hard to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Hi There!
Your gf really loves you.
Totally.
You felt it when you saw her.
No one can validate that more than you do.
However sometimes Love is not enough to stay in a relationship.
I for example, There's this guy that I really care for.
But for some personal reason, I have to ignore my feelings for him and stay away from him even if I truly care for him.
Just like your gf, she wants to have a better career.
Which is a valid reason, maybe she's not personally satisfied from what she's getting from her current job.
Maybe she wants to support her family or something. That's why she needs to go.
She doesn't want you and her to be tied up from each other while she's away.
Because she might not be able to focus.
Just because your dumped or rejected by your gf, it doesn't mean she doesn't not LOVE you anymore.
You wont be able to describe her as a perfect gf, if you were taken for granted or you were not LOVE.
You know you were love by HER.
If you and her are meant to be, as i always say, Fate will bring you back together.
Keep on praying and try to let go.
Just be happy for the times you were together.
You need to take care of yourself.
Make yourself someone she will be proud of.
Good Luck!
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