A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and my best friend have been sleeping together for at least 5 months but I can't find the courage to leave him. We share a 18 week old daughter, and we have just got our first mortgage in the past year. I'm in two minds about whether to carrying on living a lie or to accept that our relationship is over. He has never cheated on me before, and I have been best friends with her since school. I don't know or want to know how it begun, all I know is that they have been meeting after work at her place.I discovered a bunch of texts from her early Saturday morning telling me everything I needed to know to confirm it. His phone kept beeping and I was up to feed my daughter, so I checked his phone because I thought it must be serious. I saw it was from my best friend so I opened it and saw 8 texts, and read them. It was as if he had tried to end things because she kept repeating ; "I will tell her everything" "she will hate both of us not just me" . I deleted them and pretended nothing had happened.It got me thinking that around the time I gave birth, he kept coming home later and she became more distant with me. She has been seeing someone who she says has a crazy ex who won't let go. I never thought she could mean my boyfriend.I just don't understand it because even though I have just had a baby our sex life is great, at least 6x a week if not more if I have the energy. We always have enjoyed our relationship and even during pregnancy it didn't stop us. Which is why I worry he is in love with her because if he gets it plenty at home, it must be love surely? Like I said, we share a child, a home, our lives! Why would he just throw it away? I found these messages last weekend and I have been a mess ever since. I have been staying out of his way, and pretending to be asleep when he comes to bed. I don't have a clue how to confront him, or what to do. He keeps asking what is wrong and last night he kept asking and asking. We had a huge fall out but today he is acting like nothing is wrong again. Am I stupid for not wanting to lose my dream life with him? I adore everything about him, and I truly love him but I know I can't forgive him .I'm 26, and he is also 26. We have been together 4 years.
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, sex life, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): Although one never condones cheaters, the relationship, circumstances and situations are all different... From the sounds of it, your boyfriend tried to end things and she is "threatening" him with revealing everything, etc. so perhaps it started and then she is making it impossible to end. Saying she is seeing someone whose ex doesn't let go is herself - she doesn't want to let go.They probably connected when you were pregnant and having your baby - yes when he should have been more attentive and supportive to you, but for some reason from everything you have shared, I think you should still give him a chance.Have a heart to heart, and tell him everything. How you discovered the messages, how everything makes sense, and how you have taken some time to think before approaching things because there is a lot at stake, least of which an innocent child. Do not feel guilty for checking the messages, as you said, an early morning message could have meant an emergency. As the girlfriend you had every right to feel hurt and shocked and worse yet, discovering it's your so called best friend, nobody holds it against you deleting the messages. If he turns this all around and makes the issue you "snooping" and "deleting" his messages, then end things right there and then. The focus needs to be on him breaking your trust, causing insecurity issues for you, hurt beyond comprehension that he could cheat when he has everything he needs at home, and then find out why he did it? What was missing? What did he not get? What did she offer? Then make sure she is closed off from you and your family, and re build what you had if he is willing to work on it, to rebuild your trust and to attend counselling if you feel you need it.There really sounds like possibilities for a second chance, but it all depends how he behaves when he discovers you now know too! His actions will speak volumes when you reveal it, so watch him closely and then decide from there. YOU have all the power going forward - to stay, to continue, or to end it.Wishing you luck and happiness.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 July 2013):
 Your "best friend" is really no friend, at all...
Your "boyfriend" isn't much of a friend, or mate, or partner, either.... AND, you reveal that you are entwined with him (through the mortgage)... AND that you and he have sex regularly... so you can reasonably be expected to bring additional children in to this toxic "non-relationship" that you and he have....
Wake up... HE has Nirvana.... regular sex with two girls who BOTH are willing to accomodate his philandering... AND will make excuses for him!!!!
Only when one of you (girls) comes to her senses and calls a halt to this sad affair can the affair come to its justifiable conclusion...
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2013):
 Dump her as a friend. She doesn't give a shit about you.
If you THINK you and your bf can work through this, then TALK to him. Maybe he WANTS to stay maybe not, but you won't find out til he drops the bomb or you speak up. So SPEAK up.
You don't have to decide if you want to stay or go THIS instance. You can mull it over, you can see how you feel once the shock of the betrayal has passed.
Sticking your head in the sand will help NOTHING.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Okey things are pretty complicated and messy and emotional and honey I feel your pain. But sweetie if you do not confront this and sort it, it will only get worse.. Lets look at what she texted ' if you break up I will tell her everything ?' And ' she will hate both of us ' ( not saying that exact text but you get me) from just those statements you can read that not everything been happy between them either.. There may be a way to work this through and keep your family together.. I don't condone cheating and your bf would have an all mighty making up to do.. Here my plan . Get granny which every one to take baby for the day.. Have a meal and say that you need to talk..Tell him everything you know.. Say you saw the texts and you deleted them as you were in shock . Tell him you do not deserve his unfaithfulness and his cheating . You will not permit it. You are worth more than this ( keep cool and calm it will throw him of guard ) Tell him if he wants to leave that's his decision .. But once out that door there is no coming back and he better be aware that, you won't be on the shelf waiting for his return if he does .Tell him you are willing to work through this ( counseling may be apart of the healing process ) but at the minute you two need to start by being open and communicating with each . You will need to know, why he did what he did? And though the question he may find difficult to make it work there is going to be honesty .Do I think he loves her ' hell no sweetie' he wants out of whatever sordid thing that happened an she the one holding him to ransom . Do not give her this power .Sweeping this under the carpet causes friction and you are really just giving her more power over your Family and Relarionship . Take control . Keep calm, there a saying ' once you lose your cool, your lose the fight'So be cool, sad upset, emotional to a degree is okey . Tell him he has hurt you to the core and that the only way out of this is to start being open .. Then once you have either made the decision to continue ( and my thoughts are he will ) you then text her from his phone together.. You tell her you know all about this and she is not welcome in your home or Round you or your family . She is disloyal, immoral, and the only ' crazy hanger on ' is her.. Tell her go get your own man stop trying without success to steal other people's .Plus you need support , so your bf will need to expect that you will want your family to know at some point.. Don't hide it, it's not your shame. He will have to take this on the chin as he did the deed .I really believe that if you approach this in the right way and you have every right to be hurt, you are the victim here but also you are a surviver .. That you two can over come this and be more reunited and loved up than every ..Time will help heal if he takes responsibility and realizes, that there is. Lot of work to be done, by you both. Don't throw the towel in just yet, sweetie be strong, chin up, walk tall and sort this out don't let it fester .Take care and post us.. We are here to listen
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): There is hope in the fact that you see that he made an attempt to breakup with your best friend.
The impact the discovery must have had on you psychologically,is devastating to say the least. You can't just dismiss the fact that this has been going on for so long.
Your "so-called" best friend is the worst kind of human-being to walk the face of the earth. It is a wonder she has the ability to walk up-right; most creatures of this type crawl on their bellies.
Discontinue any further contact with this person, and keep her away from your family.
You must admit to your boyfriend what you know. It is inevitable you both have to come to terms with this betrayal of your trust, and assault on the integrity of your relationship.
You both have a child to raise, and you do care for each other. You do know at least, that he wanted and attempted to end it. That does not dismiss the fact that it happened in the first place. It was up to him to control where he puts his penis. It wasn't like you denied him sex.
This situation is salvageable. Although you will receive comments that cheaters are always cheaters. Situations, circumstances, and relationships vary.
In any case, it depends on the relationship. Relationships do, and have, survived cheating. It isn't an easy task to rebuild trust; when someone has betrayed you in the way your boyfriend has. His actions are totally inexcusable.
Your friend envies what you have. Her motive was to destroy it.
She was an opportunist exploiting the convenience of easy access to your life, your trust as a friend; and the advantage of too much knowledge of the most intimate details of your relationship.
You offered her too much information about your sex-life; which only tempted her to take that away from you. I can't wait to read the opinions of this betrayal from other females.
keep your mouth shut about your sex-life. Girlfriends are the last people on earth you share that information.
If he is willing to work to regain your trust, and undergo some therapy to help you both; make every effort to rebuild your little family.
There will always be trials and tribulations that challenge you as a young couple. Love and determination will help you to over-come these obstacles. You still need to have trust, and know how to compromise for any relationship to work.
Infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen; so you have an uphill climb to regain what you once had. I'd say; if he truly loves you, he will kill himself trying to keep his family intact.
I suggest you hold him to any promises, with no possibility of a second chance; if he sincerely intends to make it up to you and his child. That is, if you can find the forgiveness in your heart. Give yourself time. Do not make any hasty decisions. There is too much at stake.
As for your friend. Forgiveness is divine, in time. Purge that snake from your life, and never allow her in your home again. She has committed the worst betrayal you can ever receive from someone you love and trusted. Keep her as distant from your family as possible. She is poison.
You will be tempted to have a raging confrontation with her.
I suggest that you deal with your boyfriend first. He is more important than she is.
He is the father of your child and your partner. He is fully accountable for his actions; and must take most of the responsibility for allowing it to happen in the first place.
If you cannot afford therapy, may I suggest the book:
"Makeup, Don't Breakup," by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.
I suggest that you both read this publication to allow you to understand that there are circumstances where some relationships can survive; and it will give you some tools that you can use to help rebuild your relationship.
There may lie a resentment deep inside you. I only suggest the book, if you decide to work it out. If you decide your feelings will never allow you to get past the pain of betrayal; then read everything you can about recovering after a breakup and recovery after cheating.
In either case, you'll need tools to help you to deal with the difficult emotional trauma that you are experiencing.
You need to make educated and well-thought decisions; because you also have to consider the welfare of your baby. He has a moral and financial responsibility for the both of you.
Good luck! I hope things work out; because I hate it when families fall apart.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): You don't deserve this . Leave. Mabye see a lawyer.
...............................
|
