A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was with my partner for 7 years until a few months ago which was due to a fight which lead to me moving out and getting my own place. The sequence of events went quickly but I have been enjoying having my own space again. We've been meeting each other on a weekly basis and spent the holidays apart which was difficult. Recently we've had another talk about where we stand and it's leaving me confused. We both aren't good at communicating our needs and thoughts with one another, but he wants to try and fix things and has listened to what I need. I'm unsure if this is what I want or need right now as I've been talking to a counsellor who has diagnosed me with anxiety and think this has driven a lot of my reactions over the last few months. I don't know whether I need more time alone or to work on the relationship. Part of me thinks if I don't try I'm giving up without any fight whilst the other could see me being happier myself for a while. I'm totally confused about what decision to make as I don't want to make a mistake Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 January 2023):
 Sweetheart, I know change is scary, but you cannot go back to something which was causing you stress, just because you are not sure whether ending it is the "right decision". I always ask people, "would you re-read a book and expect it to end differently, or re-watch a film and expect a different ending?" Of course you wouldn't. However, people keep going back to the same relationships which didn't work out the first time, expecting things to be different even though the parties involved haven't changed.
You've had 7 years together. You admit in your follow-up post that you were not happy some of that time, as your boyfriend used to take out his stress on you. Despite this, it took you physically removing yourself from the relationship and getting your own place for you two to sit down and really talk. If you two get back together, is this what you are going to have to resort to in the future to get anywhere? I suspect the only reason your boyfriend is sitting down and talking now is because he sees you are happy and is worried he will lose his verbal punchbag.
It sounds like you both have issues - you with anxiety, if your counsellor has you diagnosed correctly, and him with handling stress. By your own admission, you also both have trouble communicating. This is not something which is going to fix itself.
As I see it, you have two options: call it a day and look for someone who does not spark your anxiety and who is a better communicator, or go to couples counselling to see if you can both learn to communicate more effectively and if he can learn to not take out his frustrations on you. Either way, YOU need to work on yourself so that you don't take the same issues into your next relationship. Either way, DO NOT move back with him unless you are confident things will be different going forward.
Stay strong. Enjoy your space. Once you learn to enjoy being alone, you will have far higher standards and expectations of someone with whom to share your life because they will have to add real value to it, rather than just their physical presence. You are worth that. Keep reminding yourself of that.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 January 2023):
 By your own admission you say that you are enjoying having your own space again, so just on this alone I would say that you are not ready to jump back into a relationship with him.
Having your own place has helped your recovery, and will continue to do so, i feel if you got with him at this stage you will be taking a step backwards.
Have you broached this with your counselor?. Maybe its time to accept the fact that the relationship with him never worked out and its time to move on. Like how you feel having your own space, so some more things that get you in that good feeling space. Sometimes as much as we like someone they are just not good for us, and in these instances its much better for our own health and well being to just walk away. Find your own happiness and keep things the way they are now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2023):
 I agree with Ciar!
Stay at your place and if you are unsure about your ex - set some boundaries with him.
Like NEITHER of you date other people or sleep with other people. (and perhaps keep sex off the table with him too) But YOU take the TIME you need to get to a place where YOU can make the choice to restart the relationship or end it for good.
Keep seeing your counselor.
And consider this, IS IT realistic that he can and will change?
You are at a point (7 years in) where you feel like if you walk away you "wasted" 7 years. The Sunk cost fallacy.
"The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits. And while the term sounds like technical jargon, it's a common decision-making pitfall in both life and business"
If this relationship is NOT working even after 7 years together, why do you think it will after 8? Or 10?
Give yourself some time to get your balance back, so to speak.
Consider couples counseling too. It's not a fix but perhaps you two "just" need the right tools to make it work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2023): Original poster of this questionI wanted to provide some further background onto what caused the breakdown initially. I've not been happy in the relationship for the past couple of years as I felt like my partner was taking the stress of his work out on me by erupting at me and it wasn't meeting my needs anymore. If I pushed back he would give me the silent treatment and not speak to me. I reached the stage where I stopped making any effort and he admits he was stubborn so didn't do anything to fix it which resulted in me moving out. I've began to realise with the time apart that he can be quite judgemental and controlling and think this aggravates my anxiety, making it difficult for me to discuss my feelings with him. This latest talk has shown a different side of him but I don't know if we would end up in the same position again or if things can be fixed. I know he struggles with opening up his own feelings and being emotional that I think this separation has helped to show that side of him. Part of me believes it shouldn't be this difficult to have these conversations with the person you share your life with but I don't know if that is down to me or our compatibility
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2023): Have you posed this question to your counselor to determine if your mental-health is stable enough to get back together? I would think that should be the first person you'd ask! Don't come to us to circumvent the advice of your doctor.
Did your anxiety disorder develop because of the relationship, or did it get worse because of it?
When people breakup, it's not unusual to second-guess yourself; and to stress (or distress) about it. Becoming an individual again, and not being emotionally-dependent on another person is really scary. It takes a lot of adjustment to get used to the detachment; while trying to recover from the feelings of grief of loss. The loneliness gets to you. I've been through that, and I know how uneasy it can feel.
You sort of hinted around why you broke-up, and didn't provide any backstory on the events that lead-up to your separation. So it's hard to advise if any effort to get back together might be too soon, or may not work anyway. If you have communication problems; that could be attributed to incompatibility. You're not on the same wavelength. You haven't really done much of anything but talk, and make yourselves miss each-other. You aired your grievances, and he promised to try; but that only works out for a little while. In a short time, you're back to square-one; and making a repeat of the breakup scenario.
Your hesitancy may be your commonsense warning you that getting back together may be too soon, or a bad idea altogether.
You've found some peace in being apart, and you may be regaining your sense of independence. Your anxiety may be subsiding, because you're away from the source of it.
Talk to your therapist/counselor and determine if the stress may be too much? You should also reevaluate and reassess the quality and stability of the relationship; and carefully consider all of the events and misunderstandings that culminated in a breakup.
I can tell you this; loneliness, and feelings of jealousy that your partner may meet somebody else, usually is the reason a lot of people may attempt a hasty reconciliation. Meanwhile, none of their problems were resolved beforehand.
Why did it take a breakup for either of you to decide to work it out? Seems you would have tried beforehand in order to avoid a breakup. Things got so bad, you had to part. Better give that some thought.
He's making a promise to do better, and that's all you've got to go on. What's the plan if he doesn't live-up to his promises? How will your keep your anxiety managed well enough not to cause friction in the relationship? How will being with him again affect your mental and emotional health? Are you strong enough to go through yet another breakup with the same guy? Remember what it is he does that triggers you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 January 2023):
 I say keep your own place for the time being and allow him to court you.
Go out on dates with him, see places, do some fun things. It doesn't have to be a whirlwind romance or anything. Just go out, instead of sitting at each other's homes.
Are there things you've wanted to see, visit, try even just once? Do those together.
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