A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ll try and keep this simple. I’ve being with my boyfriend for 9 months. He had recently just come out of a relationship and he was back home, living with his mother. He had recently lost his father just four month before we met. We moved in together in October, we knew it was too early but the due to unforeseen circumstances we had no choice. We constantly argue, it’s always my fault, he never apologises, I seem to can’t do anything right. I go out of my way trying my best to work a very busy job, keep our home clean and tidy, do everything in the house. He has a busy job too but when he’s home he just plays on his PlayStation or he’s doing jobs and errands for his mother. He’s always putting his mother before me and tells me him and his mother only have each other. My family and friends live over three hundred miles from me, so I feel isolated at the moment. Him and his mother ruined Christmas for me and my family. They both made my family uncomfortable, started an argument over nothing and then blamed me all for it. His mother even told him that the gift we bought wasn’t personal to her and had no thought. I feel attacked all the time by him, that I can’t do anything right but he blames me for everything or it’s my fault. Is this a toxic relationship I’m in, as I feel very confused?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2023): Dear OP,
I am in the exact same situation as you do. I ruminate a lot, going over a lot of what ifs. But let me tell you one thing, your BF wont change. He has been raised to be this way. I am assuming he must be in somewhere in his thirties or older. Its that many years of prioritizing play station and his mother that you have to wean him away from. Trust me by now he is quite capable of doing that by himself. Yet he chose not to. He wants you to be in the same damn situation as he is. And that's not fair to you. And let me tell you, you do not have to include mother supreme in all your travel plans. A healthy couple will want some time for themselves. And you constantly argue- but he never accepts his mistake. I had the same situation here. Ditto. Let me tell you your BF's his mommy's little one all right. In fact he is her mini me as it got proved over christmas. Being in a relationship with him is not too different from being in a relationship with his mother. This is a super toxic relationship. Period.
Move away from him. Get a day job. Surround yourself with friends. Have a hobby or passtime. Move on. There are better people to have a relationship with. Wishing you a much better 2023.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2023): OP here, really good answers. I know it’s toxic as I know it’s not healthy and feel like what happened to his ex, is happening to me. We both work in the travel industry and his mother now travels with us to most destinations. Him and his mother think I have to go places with her and do things for her. They both pit me against my own mother. As in whatever his mother does is amazing and fabulous but what my mother does is all pointless and not as good as her. There’s a jealousy that me and my family are very close and very supportive of me. My boyfriend has a brother and he doesn’t speak or see either of them. The whole family seem toxic.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 January 2023):
 It seems that every thing with him was all done in a whirlwind, you never really had time to get to know him properly before setting up home together.
Yes this relationship is very toxic indeed, and just because you live together does not mean you have to continue a relationship with him. They say that you never really truly know someone until you live with them. He has shown you a lot of red flags here, some enough to make most people run for the hills.
If things are like this now, do you think things will be any better in 6 months, a year, 5 years?. I think that in your heart of hearts you know the answer to that question.
Life is to short to be in a relationship that is toxic, at the end of the day your well being, health and happiness are whats important, if you stay in this relationship you risk making yourself ill.
I would get the ball rolling with looking at who stays in the house, or alternative living arrangements. Don't go through all this alone, confide in friends and family and keep them in the loop with whats going on.
We have just entered into 2023, start the new off with a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning, and one that does involve him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2023):
 " Is this a toxic relationship I’m in, as I feel very confused?"
It is VERY toxic.
I would say without a doubt that you SHOULD end this relationship. You should WANT more from a partner. You have taken over the "mommy role" by being his housekeeper and GF. He does NOTHING?!!! around the house?
Sorry, wanted to add, I saw that you ARE working but also doing the WHOLE load of chores at home while he plays GAMES? I mean WTF?!
Do not fall for the idea of a "stay-at-home -GF" Because it only makes you that much more dependent on HIM and HIS income. Being a stay-at-home is totally fine IN A MARRIAGE, but in a relationship that is this new and this unhealthy is not good at all. It gives HIM all the power. Or in your case, the "chores are women's work" because dammit it's NOT, both people should WANT a neat, clean and tidy home!!
You two moved in together WAY too fast. Regardless of "unforeseen circumstances", you two are just not a good fit for living together OR being together.
He didn't HAVE to move in with you, did he? He was living with his mom.
If you can't afford the place you live in WITHOUT his income, I suggest finding a place you CAN afford. Or see if you can move back home for a while until you can find a place you can afford.
I can see why his mom means the World to him, he JUST lost his dad and she just lost her husband. So he feels obligated to "be the man" to take care of her now. That is OK, to a point. But SHE is definitely playing power games to ensure she will always be #1.
So here is my advice:
1. If you aren't working, getting a job is the prime goal. If you WANT to live closer to family, look for a job there.
2. you DUMP him, he moves out or you do. Maybe find a rented room you can afford or a roommate to share the place with.
3. Cut all contact with this asshat.
4. Focus on where YOU want to go in life.
5. Give yourself some time before dating again. You are in your 30's. That doesn't mean you should settle for a partner who does not see you as an equal but as some domestic servant. Want better from a partner.
6. Know what YOU have to offer. Know your value as a person.
7. You should never feel like you are "second best" or an afterthought in your relationship. While it's nice that he cares about his mother, the way he (and she) treats you is just out of bounds, not OK.
Start 2023 by dumping his sorry ass and figuring out where you want to go in life. WITHOUT him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2023): His ex is the one he wants to be with not you. That is obvious. The rest all happened because of that and you trying to tie him to you, and manipulate him to commit, you are too needy. He was weedy to go along with it until he realised what a big mistake he made and behaved this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2023): Maybe he's purposely sabotaging the relationship. Is he still in-touch with his ex, as far as you know? It's possible he never wanted to leave his mommy, and really didn't want to move-in together. You even admit you moved-in together too soon; so that is the major reason this isn't working out. If you pressured him to commit to a relationship to move it along faster; you may have to share some of the fault.
Someone in their 30's might have the experience to know better than to rush a relationship. You don't offer a lot of details, so we're left to speculation.
I'm truly sorry how your Holiday turned-out. Was your own family able to salvage it for you?
I guess it's best to dump the boyfriend, and see if your family can help you out to move back home. He wants to be with mommy, and they seem to be collaborating to vote you off the island. You may as well leave. You don't seem to have much choice.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 January 2023):
 I'm sorry to hear about the Christmas fiasco. I'd say it was a toxic relationship.
Are you close enough to your family that you could move in with them?
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