A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am mortified that I even have to ask this but I really really need some help.I have been going out with a guy for 5 months now and as much as I hate to admit it I'm not physically attracted to him but his personality is amazing, he is so funny and caring and he always makes sure I am okay he's so gentle and loving and I honestly have fallen hard for him.I have started a work placement with the college that I'm at, this means that one day a week I go and work at the place where my college has arranged.At my placement there is a guy who is very good looking and he's so kind and we flirt a lot and get on so well, I love spending time with him and look forward to this day when we can work together.I'm so worried that I'm slowly falling for him but can't bear the idea of upsetting my boyfriend because I don't know if he could manage without me?My boyfriend has had a troubled start to life and turned to drugs and alcohol but after meeting me gave it all up so that he had a chance, he's still troubled and hurts himself when we row. I love him so much but feel like a childminder sometimes?I need help figuring out what's going on with me, am I just falling for the second guy because he's attractive or because he's not troubled or am I actually going to leave my boyfriend.. I'm so confused so any help would be greatly appreciated
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 5 months is a very short time when it comes to a relationship. If you are not attracted to him, well then it wont work out long term. There has to be an attraction for a relationship to develop in to something long term. It sounds like he is good to you, he cares for you and you think he has a great personality. Which is great if you where both friends, but being in a relationship with someone requires a lot more. If you loved him as much as you think you do, you wouldn't even look at another guy that way.
Its nice that you get on great with this other man, but you need to remember that what you are doing is wrong. Flirting with another man is completely unacceptable in a relationship, how much do you think this would hurt your boyfriend if he found out? Its not fair what you are doing you cannot be flirting with other men.
I can understand that you are scared if you leave your boyfriend that he won't cope without you, however he has survived right up until five months ago, so am sure he can do it again. I am sorry that he has had a bad upbringing, and its great he has sorted out his problems with alcohol and drugs, however if he harms himself when you have an argument this means his mental health is still not in a good place. He needs help dealing with his feelings. He should go and see a therapist. But remember that this is not your fault. All couples have arguments, that is natural, but he is hurting himself for other reasons that is beyond your control. You are still very young so I would suggest that you do whatever it is that makes you happy and follow your heart. But if you are going to stay with your boyfriend then the flirting has to stop. However I think the best thing you can do is end things with your boyfriend and then you are free to flirt with whoever you like.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): It has only been five months and neither you, nor the first guy can be that much attached. Sounds more like you're being held hostage psychologically, and being controlled by your empathetic nature. He's not a pitiful little puppy you've taken in out of the rain. If the only way he can hold it together is holding you hostage, I'd say you've got a real problem on your hands. Best you get yourself out of it, and fast.
It takes time for real romances to become truly established. You like the guy, that isn't the same as loving him. So you will stray once someone you're really attracted to comes along. Your feelings are not as fixed and attached as you may claim. It's more pity than caring for the guy in a romantic way. You're really stuck in caretaker-mode, and the thing that holds you together as a couple is emotional blackmail.
People with addictions are experts at manipulation and mind-games. They have to be, because it's a tool for survival. Getting people to trust them under false-pretenses. Extracting love and care without truly earning, maintaining, and deserving it. They can become parasites and very dependent. Sucking the very life out of you. Your feeling sorry for him clouds your better judgement.
You are not responsible for what he does to himself; nor should you ever let anyone control you by threatening to harm themselves. In most cases, it's all theatrics. They will not really harm themselves too badly. They just try to scare you into believing they are suicidal; and you're the only one on the planet standing between them and death. That's a heavy cross to bear, my dear! Don't get a deity complex. You don't hold his life in your hands.
If anyone is that bad off mentally, they're better off under professional care and treatment. Rather than having an unlicensed untrained laymen with no medical credentials being their self-appointed caretaker.It's fine giving your moral-support; but not hanging on for the reasons you've given. It's really deceitful to lead him to believe you're in-love with him. You have to be attracted in every way to be in-love with him.
You're not really confused, you're coming to your senses, girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 I have to agree with Anonymous 123
You would not have fallen SO easily for #2 if everything was dandy with #1.
It's been 5 months with #1. And there is STILL no attraction, he HURTS himself when you argue? Is it hurt himself bad or enough to MANIPULATE you into doing whatever it is he wants you to do? You care for him, that is for sure - but do you want a relationship where you have to "mother" your partner?
I think you need to make up the choice of whether #1 is someone you WANT to be with (despite the drama and non- attraction) or not. Guy #2 I don't really think is a serious option at the moment.
You don't really know guy #2, but you have found that you can have fun and flirt with him, which really isn't OK when you have a BF. No matter how cute and handsome #2 is.. And DO take your work placement serious. YOU are there to learn not bat your eyelashes at the cute guy there....
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 A history with drugs and alcohol? Hurts himself when you fight? OP you run for the hills this instant and don't ever look back. You are in for a whole lot of trouble if you stay with this guy.
You're not his mom. You're not his therapist. His problems are certainly not yours but if you stay with him, that's exactly what's going to happen. It's really not your concern if he could manage without you or not because as I said, you are not responsible for his well being.
You're falling for the other guy because he's like a breath of fresh air after all the tension and negativity. Plus, 5 months and you're not physically attracted...I doubt if you'll ever be.
Run before its too late. Too many red flags all over.
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