A
male
age
30-35,
*homas223
writes:Hey all, I'm going to try to type this as organized as possible.I recently met my first girlfriend. She's 20, has a little bit of autism, and she is the sweetest, most caring girl I've ever met. I enjoy spending time with her, we're both weirdos with each other :P and it's so much fun. We drive around a lot, play videogames, or just walk around. I feel very comfortable around her, I feel secure with her, as she does with me.She throws out little comments now and then, things like, "What are we going to do for our 1 year anniversary?" She smiles when she says this. We've been seeing each other almost everyday for 2 months. I think it's a little soon to be thinking about anniversaries and such, but coming from her it's charming. She seems deeply invested in our long term potential.Now some info about me. I'm an introverted 25 year old man. I used to be very, very, VERY, shy about dating and sexuality, but recently I feel confident in myself, my body, and open and excited by potential romantic and sexual experiences in my future. I don't like dating for the sake of dating. I'm interested in finding a special woman to someday share my life with.Now here is my dilemma. My girl and I are both virgins, except the difference between us is I've finally bloomed and I'm oozing with sexual energy I've had repressed for so long. I am absolutely ecstatic to have some naughty fun with a woman I care about. My girl on the other hand is still shy about the whole thing.We've talked about our feelings on the issue, and while she says she wants to have sexual activities she lists reasons that are preventing her; things like school stresses. Since she's inexperienced she seems not to understand how to express sexual feelings, and I wonder if her little bit of autism affects this as well.When we do share moments of intimacy, we kiss for about a minute or less. She usually kisses me harder where I kiss her softer but more actively. Also, we gently touch each other with our clothes on.(Sorry if this is a bit disorganized) But basically my concern is, I am SO ready for sex, and although she tells me she wants to try, she doesn't initiate, seems never to bring it up..so overall I feel she isn't ready. I understand not to pressure her. I will not make her do anything she doesn't want to. My issue is that I don't know if I should wait for her. But also, we've only been together 2 months. I don't know if that's considered a long time or not.I feel she and I have a lot of long term potential, but I also don't want to be held back by someone who isn't ready. I don't meet women often, and the ones I do meet I'd rather not date, let alone sleep with. This girl is very special to me and honestly, I think she'd be a wonderful wife someday. I know if I leave her, she would be deeply upset, as would I.I've always been "the nice guy" waiting too long for girls I shouldn't have. I don't know if I should wait for her or just move on. I feel stressed about this situation. Please, can somebody offer me kind, nonjudgemental guidance? Thank you very much
View related questions:
anniversary, both virgins, move on, ready for sex, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 I am quite positive you will not wait forever. If she was 15, I'd think you'd have to wait maybe 3-4 years. But she's 20, so she wont need that long. She's an adult, and can make decisions on her own. If she wanted to wait with sex until marriage she would have told you so. You've talked about it, she's up for having sex with you "one day", which means you just have to wait and get to know her better and it'll happen eventually.
Like someone else said, maybe she wants to do it on a special anniversary or something, like one year in. But who knows, you just need to get to know her better and see where you end up. I am sure, if she plans to become an old spinster, and never have sex in her life, she would have told you so.
You're not waiting in vain, it will happen eventually.
I will give you another piece of advice, since it's your first relationship and all. It takes at LEAST a year to get to know someone. It actually takes around a year and a half, to be specific. This isn't something people just say, although several others have experienced it in person. This is also my personal experience. All my previous long term relationships lasted almost on the dot a year and a half. They started to become problematic at around one year, and then further six months in the incompatibility would be too much to handle.
So, just saying, that you don't know this girl yet, and she doesn't know you. It takes about a year to a year and a half to get to know someone you're in a relationship with. Wait with the big declarations of love and promises for the future until that time, because that is when you're actually starting to know her.
A
male
reader, Thomas223 +, writes (3 April 2014):
Thomas223 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone, thanks for your responses. I have so many contradicting thoughts that it helped me a lot that you guys were able to make them more clear for me.Yes I have split ideas about this. Yes this is my first relationship and I'm excited about it and relieved that I'm an acceptable person to be loved EX: That there's nothing wrong with me.But yes I'm also sexually frustrated since I'm a virgin at my age and I'm excited to learn what the big deal is all about.But also yes I don't really care for dating, but I enjoy spending my time with this girl.We've have talked about it a little and she says she wants to but she's shy. She says how we'll keep at it slowly, and I'm still uncertain if I see very little progress or notSpecial thanks to Chigirl for suggesting the "6 month" time frame. It really helped me to have a specific idea in mind. And while I know when it comes to this stuff nothing is concrete, that helped anchor my thoughts a bit.And Cindy lol, you made me laugh, thanks so much.I suppose my concern is that I don't want to wait in vain, to wait for nothing, or to wait for a girl who won't ever be ready (but lol, because most people are ready someday, right?)I'm going to keep doing my best and take faith in little progresses if I see them. Thanks a lot everybody 3
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): erm when you mention the 1 year anniversary part you mention she smiles a lot . from what you was indicating, it was seeming that is the time she will be ready ? don't get me wrong she might be smiling because the thought of a 1 year anniversary to her is very special and lovely .But none the less, don't rush it . if you do bring it up gently see what she says and then respect it. but you sound a nice dude so you should be ok
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): "This girl is very special to me and honestly, I think she'd be a wonderful wife someday. I know if I leave her, she would be deeply upset, as would I."If she is so special then you wait. Cause she's worth waiting for, yes or no? If not, save everyone's time and end the relationship. You might be sad. She might be sad. But, if your girlfriend is not ready then she should not force herself or convince herself into sleeping with you just to save the relationship."I've always been "the nice guy" waiting too long for girls I shouldn't have." Since this girl is your first girlfriend, I will assume you identify as a "nice guy" who has been "friend-zoned" by girls you patiently waited to hear from but they never came around to seeing you as a potential boyfriend. It does not hurt to make friends. It gets tiring to wait and then find yourself alone. I get it. But now you have a girlfriend, whom you adore. Yet, you are caught up in this wait game. Most people spend their life waiting for something so you might want to get used to it. Do you want to spoil what you have now for three to five minutes of sexual satisfaction? Decide for yourself and continue or end the relationship accordingly. But first, ask your girlfriend how she feels. Approach the subject delicately. Maybe she is ready and you misread her.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 I'm trying, I'm tryng to be kind and non judgemental... I am tryng so hard that my muscles are twitching... but, it's tough :).
I mean, come on, dude- in the same BREATH you say a ) that you want to have sex only with someone special you care about - and that you even see this girl as a possible future wife and b) that you are bursting at the seams , that you just need to get laid real bad, and that to have the chance of doing that , you'd leave in a heartbeat ( althout, with regret ) your current gf !
So, which one is it ? Do you want to have sex only with someone you care about AND has wife potential, or do you want to get laid, the sooner the better ?...
If she is not ready she is not ready ( and , autism or not, as 20 yo virgin in a new - 2 months only - relationship she does not HAVE to be ready, and least of all she does not have to hurry up just because you are impatient ).
So- sorry of not being original ,and banally copying from Chigirl,- if you really like the girl, this is such a no brainer !
You wait.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 April 2014):
Two months, for sexually active adults, is a long time to wait. Two months, for NOT sexually active adults, is a very short time. That goes into the same cathegory as teenage relationships, for this very reason. The sexual step is a big step in this relationship, just like it is a big step in teenage relationships.
If you were both already sexually active it wouldn't be such a big step, and I'd say around two months would be a good time to start having sex. But, you're not sexually active. So two months is very little.
I would say at least 6 months is a more "normal" time frame to think about having sex, in this case. It is your first relationship, probably her first as well, and you haven't even figured out yet how you like to kiss. So, one step at a time here.
And, even if you are bursting out of your pants, you need to remember that boys in general always push for sex more so than women do. You might call it "blooming", but it sounds to me like you've just started acting like every typical horny teenage boy does: think about sex all the time and want to try it out. You being 25 doesn't make it different, a girl still shouldn't jump in to bed with you just because YOU feel ready for it. A guy needs to wait for the girl to be ready for sex as well, regardless of whether or not he himself felt ready two months ago. He needs to wait. It's not like you are only expected to wait if you yourself have no interest in sex... It goes for everyone.
Like you said yourself, you're not interested in just sex, you want a long term relationship. Well, then what exactly are you asking us? You and her will have sex, yes, eventually. I can't tell you when she will be ready. If you don't want to wait, and want to have sex right away, then you lose your chance at a long term relationship. So, since you yourself said you wanted a relationship, not just sex, this is a no brainer.
You wait.
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Yes. You cannot wait for her to start it.
You said she was shy after all.
So what you do is just go a little bit further. Try fondling her a bit, maybe take off some clothes. Tops are a good start.
Stop when she asks you to though.
Remember to be gentle and loving.
...............................
|
