A
male
age
41-50,
*Scar82
writes:So I have this friend, who insists he is straight, but something, a gut feeling maybe, is telling me he isn't completely. He knows I am gay, he played a gay role in a film that I wrote for a festival - he's fine with me. Actually we are quite close, but I always feel an undercurrent of tension.He goes out of his way to talk about girls, and relationships, and the sex he has with girls rocks their world. I don't think this is to deter me from liking him (like subtle hints) but more he is consciously trying to lay on the straight mask.I am in love with him. And I know all the warnings, and have heeded advice. We have talked about me having feelings for him in the past, which he brought up, and I brushed over because I was afraid of losing the relationship. He asks me about dates I've been on and tells me some guys aren't my type. I don't know what game he is playing. If he is closeted, I can help him, but I don't want to risk the dynamic or the friendship. I don't want to be dishonest, either.Everyone it seems has a story such as this - I have been wrong before. I have been infatuated with guys who, as it turns out, are not gay. But with him, my gut feels something. And I don't think I'm deluding myself. but I am definitely keeping myself stuck by not doing anything about it.any advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fujilala +, writes (20 February 2011):
Not sure if it helps, but I am in a similar situation with a guy at work.
Started working there...never really payed much attention to him. 3 years go by...then one day I am finding I am crushing on him....I run into him at the copier machine I greeted him with a hug instead of a hand shake and as I hugged him I could feel He was very uncomfortable.
I feel like an idiot for having done that. I then conclude obviously if he is that uncomfortable hugging me he is not gay, and I make a point to avoid him because I didn't want him to think that I was like targeting him.
Then....I inadvertently run into him coming out of the restroom and I have to talk to him because it would have been too awkward to not say anything. So I reach out my hand for a hand shake so as to let him know I can respect boundaries....and what does he do he says, oh I can to a hug...and next thing I know his arms are around me and I am close to him.
Well so then later I go up to his office to talk to him and he is stand offish...
So weird. Then I am working and he asks I can help him with a project and part of me is thrilled and the other part of me dreads getting my hopes up.
Well so he comes down my office to start working and I extend my hand, again, as a gesture to indicate I can control myself, and yes you are hot but aim not that naive to chase after someone that doesn't want me...and he Takes me hand and then hugs me. He did the same thing the second time we met.
When I asked him what he was doing this weekend he mentioned a girlfriend. And my academy award winning acting ability arose as I pretended that his mentioning of a girlfriend has no impact on me.
While I wasn't totally crestfallen because I have learned by now ton set my expectations....I am finding I am upset about this. Because I can't tell what is going on.
It feels amazing when he puts his arms around me....even if it is under the guise of innocent friendship, however I would rather he stop sending me mixed signals.
I am sorry but I know have known of straight guys and they do not hug the way this guy is hugging me. He is lingering...
I can't tell if he is closeted and he enjoys my attention...honestly I don't know....is he hugging me that way because he knows I am guy and he is compensating....?
When he hugs me so affectionately I feel confused because I need consideration that such a signal could be misinterpreted and I therefore i would like him to respect my boundaries.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 he wants to have you see him as straight yet his ego feels inflated by the fact you fancy him. he is in conflict between his own greed for your attention and trying to keep you at arms length as he doesn't really want sex or love from you. this could go on the way it is or you could try and spend less time with him as currently he likes getting attention from you for WHATEVER reason- this doesn't mean he wants to get with you so be carefull and think of your needs first...
i had a friendship that was like this and in the end i have avoided it for the time being as i am worth more then some form of ego boost for someone with a huge appetite for sexual attention that has no real interest in me.
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A
male
reader, Seedle +, writes (29 September 2010):
yea, and even if he DOES talk about it too much, it might just be a thing where you guys are both able to talk about your sexual experiences/ interests.
on top of that, he could just be saying that to confirm that he is indeed straight.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 "He goes out of his way to talk about girls, and relationships, and the sex he has with girls rocks their world. I don't think this is to deter me from liking him (like subtle hints) but more he is consciously trying to lay on the straight mask."
Sounds like a deterrent to me dude.
A while ago I asked my accountant friend why she buys a lottery ticket every week as surely she knows how astronomical the chances of winning are... even if she buys a ticket every week for years.
"Well, its not that I expect to win, but its good to know that regardless of how crappy my week has been or how depressed I may get... there's just that little bit of hope in the back of my mind. It's not about the money so much as me simply buying a tiny bit of hope each week to get me by when reality absolutely sucks", she said.
So ask yourself, are you investing in a tiny bit of hope here too?
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