| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's my first boyfriend and we plan to get married after college.I have never watched porn videos, but as a young girl (9-13 years old) I looked at a lot of pictures of naked women. I masturbated to the pictures and because of that, I have always felt really guilty – I felt like a bad person and a lesbian. I decided that I would never look at pictures again or anything similar. This is when I started to hate masturbating, but I did it so much it was ridiculous. I think I masturbated even more, like 3-4 times a day. I hated the thought of ever kissing someone. I hated the thought of ever having sex. I just wanted to become a nun and stop my dirty thoughts. One occasion during our relationship I looked up lesbian pictures on Google and masturbated to the thought of my boyfriend with them. I cried after I came and felt so dirty. I don’t understand why I broke my promise to myself after so long. Because of that incident, I just started making up my own women and imagined him with them. Then I started imagining him with girls I found pretty at school, actresses, etc. I also imagined him with some of my friends. I still felt bad, but I didn’t stop? Is something wrong with me? After moving in with him and his family, I found him one night several months later watching a pornographic video. He was just sitting there watching it. He had said in the past that he did not watch porn and I flipped out when I caught him. I feel hypocritical? From that night on, we decided to sleep together since there was really no point in sleeping separately – I just worried about what my family would think (I don’t care anymore). When we had sex the next day, I imagined that I was the woman he was watching in the video and it turned me on like crazy. I also imagined that he was thinking the same thing and again, it turned me on. After my orgasm I felt really bad. I felt so inadequate? Has anyone experienced this? Any advice?I told my boyfriend today that I think the reason why I hate porn is because I think I would probably enjoy it. I think I would get really excited watching people have sex, especially the women. I mean, if I orgasmed to naked pictures of women when I was little, of course I would if it were in video form. I just feel like it's cheating? When I pictured him with other women I felt really guilty because it was like I was cheating. I'm not sure I explained this well enough, but please give me any advice you can.Thank you.
View related questions:
kissing, lesbian, nude pictures, orgasm, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much. :-)I guess I do feel a lot of guilt when it comes to how I feel about sex, etc. I'm going to be seeing my school counselor and will try to actively sort this all out. I don't know why I attach so many feelings to this sort of thing? Maybe because I'm a girl? I don't know.The other night I asked him to make-up something about me and some girls. I masturbated and orgasmed and he followed suit. It was really fun? I helped him by telling him what I liked and what I wanted to do to them and what I wanted them to do to me. When I was done, I kept it going for him - he loves it too. A few minutes later, we did it again, this time he got behind me. :-) All in all, we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. Saltwater: I don't know when we'll be trying the lesbian porn, I'm really insecure? No matter what, I will seriously think he came to them and not the fact that I'm masturbating with them. I hope that by starting off kind of slow, perhaps I can see for myself that it's me he's focused on? My problem is I lack confidence - I've been told and have known this for a long time, but it is very difficult to work on. I'm feeling a lot better now that he knows this side of me I guess. lol. I'm very happy. I can't believe he loves me regardless of what turns me on. I'm going to post a new question later on, please feel free to comment once I link it here. Thank you everyone for the help :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): Hi babes, your issues bring up so many flags for me, it's too difficult to tackle here. Your big issue is not the porn, it that for you sex and guilt are intimately linked. You can't understand why guilt and sex aren't linked for him...
So much you say rings bells for me. I think you need to undergo counselling, probably sex therapy will help. You can send me a private letter if you want to, and I will try to help.
Blessings to you babes, you have been very brave, to write into us, tell us your story and try to tackle the issues you have around sex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): Quote from PsyCookie: “My mom was never comfortable talking about this kind of stuff, and I don't blame her, she's pretty old (53) and was raised in a small town with old school ideas.”
Sorry PsyCookie, but that statement had me laughing. I still can’t stop. Believe me, you mother might just surprise you. Anyway, good advice that you gave. Sorry, I’m still laughing.
Sorry OP, but I’m going to be honest here. Yes, guys do sometimes fantasize that they are with the woman in the porn. You know what, so do women fantasize that they are with the guy in the porn. I have done it at times and so has my wife. We aren’t cheating. We are doing something that adds some extra excitement to the sex and that excitement can make the orgasm better. So what, we aren’t in love with that porn person. We aren’t actually going to screw them. That is the safety of fantasizing about being in bed with them. There is no chance that it will happen. We still concentrate on each other and love the sex that we have with each other and love each other. When I am holding her, with her head on my shoulder or chest, after the sex is over then we are only thinking about each other. When we look into each other’s eyes and kiss, we are only thinking about each other. When she falls asleep after half an hour of us lying together, just holding each other, we are only thinking about each other and our mutual love.
Sex is sometimes just sex. What is important is what you and he are thinking about when you are together and holding each other and kissing or cuddling. My wife and I never think of being with someone else when we are doing those things.
Sometimes a guy might be tired, either from the activities of the day or from too much sex with his partner. That can make it difficult for him to have an orgasm. It is more common for an older person like me, but it can happen to a younger person also. Those times might require some extra mental stimulation to have an orgasm. I sometimes think of me being with some porn woman, but I more likely think of my wife being with several guys. That is a real turn-on for me. Would I like to see that happen? Hell no. It is just a fantasy to help me have an orgasm after my wife has had one. I’m not cheating, she is, but she doesn’t even know it at the time. She knows that I do that sometimes and will ask me if she enjoyed the gangbang.
I used to have a trick when I was younger and really turned on and knew that I would orgasm too fast for her to enjoy it. I would think of some boring work that I had to do, while also concentrating about her enjoyment of our sex so that I could do whatever necessary to make her orgasm and feel good. That would make me last longer, but then I would have trouble having an orgasm myself. To help that I would then think of myself being with some hot woman so that I could finish without taking too long. I never told her and she never could tell. I finally did tell her what I was doing and she thought it was a great idea and thought that it was great that I would go through so much trouble and be willing to lower my enjoyment and my orgasm just so that she could have better sex. Some women would have probably gone stomping off at the thought and threatened divorce. My wife never thinks that I might be doing that when we are having sex. She just enjoys it and thinks about whatever turns her on at the time.
Quote: “Does that mean he would like me with another woman, or just the plain thought of it?”
It’s the thought of it, just like me thinking about my wife being with several guys. The thought is a real turn-on. For it to actually happen would not be very good at all.
When a guy is masturbating in private it doesn’t involve you at all. It involves him. If you are masturbating together then he might be imagining what he is going to do with you or being with you or he might be thinking of being with the porn woman. Haven’t you ever thought of being with some other man, porn or otherwise, to get excited or to masturbate too? It is not cheating. It is just fantasy. We all have fantasies at times. My wife used to have a fantasy about being with 2 guys. Sometimes I was one of them and sometimes it was 2 strangers. Oh no, she cheated on me. NO, SHE DIDN’T. It is just a fantasy. People have fantasies, some sexual and some not sexual at all. They make us happy most of the time. They relieve stress sometimes. But most important, they aren’t real.
Oral sex, vaginal sex and orgasms are just sex. It’s primal and feels good. The sex isn’t so much about love as what you do before and after the sex. The feelings of love before and after the sex, especially after, are what is great. Sure, sex is much better and much more intimate with someone who you love, or at least have some feelings for, but the sex can also be good with a 1 night stand. It’s not likely to be great with a 1 night stand and even if it is, it feels empty after the screwing is over. That’s because there is no love there and the love is what makes the sex really great, especially after the sex is finished. Smiling and looking into each other’s eyes and just thinking “I love you” is what is so great. You have had your orgasms, you are so relaxed, there is no stress and you just want to hold and love your partner. That is when you completely forget about that hot porn actor or actress. They don’t exist at all any more.
...............................
A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (1 September 2008):
 "I understand what you're saying, but at the same time I'm scared by the thought of him actually masturbating and coming to something that in a sense doesn't involve me? I mean, I can understand him getting off from me masturbating, but he would also be watching the porn? How is he coming from me masturbating while watching that? I would think he'd be getting off from that. (I realize you said the exact opposite, I just seriously can't wrap my head around that). Wouldn't I be getting off from that - how is that not cheating? So if I'm masturbating along with then it's suddenly all right?"
The way I'm interpreting it is that your big problem here is that you're confusing visual aid with actual feelings. It sounds like you're convinced that watching porn somehow "means something" to a man. It doesn't.
You need to get your head around this issue. This is where you are getting completely confused and going nowhere fast.
"How is he coming from me masturbating while watching that?" As I said, he's not watching that; he's watching you. It's the fact that you get turned on by the visual aid of women that makes it a bit more fun for him -- he can relate to you getting turned on by women. I think this is a great thing. You've already jumped the gun though; you're NOT masturbating OVER the porn, you're masturbating with it....it's an accompaniment. But it doesn't have any personal feeling connotations.
Maybe this is just a man thing that seems strange to women. But you said yourself he likes the fact you get turned on by other women...so it can't just be me.
It's like when some women ask "well, how is the feeling of ejaculation when masturbating different from ejaculation in sex?" and you can't answer it; it just is. The feeling is 10 times better. I can't explain why, it just is.
It's the same with the question you're asking about porn. I can't explain it to you, other than to say no, it doesn't mean he has feelings towards the girl he is watching in porn; no, it doesn't mean he wants to be actively fucking (excuse my Mandarin) the girl he's seeing on screen
It may sound strange, but the porn doesn't detract from you.
What I suggested does involve you -- you're the central role because you will be the focus of his attention -- the fact that you are using women as a visual aid is not the main attraction; it's akin to a fantasy which further turns him on. It's like I said, you're confusing visual aid to actual feelings; you need to understand that there aren't any feelings towards the women in porn.
This is your problem; you think that he is. You're convinced that the women is the focus of his attention. As a result, you think it is cheating. You need to understand that it is NOT.
Masturbating to porn and masturbating while watching your girlfriend is a completely different thing -- it's the bonus of her getting turned on by women that is the bonus.
"It looked really good, but I blew up because of how much guilt I had packed into myself."
You need to relieve yourself of this guilt and understand that porn is natural. Go with the flow.
Relax.
If you want to know what I think about when masturbating with porn:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-do-guys-think-about-when-they-masturbate.html
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSaltwater: Yeah, sure, I'll tell you, lol. And don't worry, longer posts are more helpful and insightful.
So because he can relate to it, it turns him on? Does that mean he would like me with another woman, or just the plain thought of it?
I understand what you're saying, but at the same time I'm scared by the thought of him actually masturbating and coming to something that in a sense doesn't involve me? I mean, I can understand him getting off from me masturbating, but he would also be watching the porn? How is he coming from me masturbating while watching that? I would think he'd be getting off from that. (I realize you said the exact opposite, I just seriously can't wrap my head around that). Wouldn't I be getting off from that - how is that not cheating? So if I'm masturbating along with them it's suddenly all right?
If you don't mind me asking, what do you think about when you watch that sort of stuff? Is what you wrote what you think ("it's just the general VISUAL AID to masturbating. The woman could be anyone. She is not the central issue to him; the action of her in a sexual situation is the central issue," etc.)
You see, when I walked in on him, the only thing on the screen was a woman's breasts and her stomach, probably on top of some guy. I have a hard time thinking that he was not envisioning himself with her when it looked as if she were coming out of the screen? I know, this sounds really weird, but ya. It looked really good, but I blew up because of how much guilt I had packed into myself.
Off topic - When I was 5ish up until the age of 7, my cousin (he's only 2 years older than me) would touch me. Hump me and stuff after watching a porn video. I liked it, I even instigated it sometimes (the humping). I feel disgusting when I think about it and don't understand why I liked it and why I did not stop it sooner. I wish it had never happened because then maybe I could be a little more normal thinking when it comes to things like this. I don't know. He would play games with me that ended up with me getting kissed, touched and whatnot. As an adult, I am very angry at my aunt who I feel knew exactly what was going on. I know I was only a kid, but I wish I had the foresight to have stopped it. I could have, but I didn't.
You don't know how good it feels to tell him exactly how I feel and have him accept me. I was so scared of what I was that I thought no one would really like me for it. Everyone had this view of me as if I were some kind of angel or something. I feel really good. :-)
Okay, now I'm rambling.
Thank you!
...............................
A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (1 September 2008):
I feel stupid now lol....though I have to say I looked at the question asker on both and briefly thought "umm, are they the same person?"
"nah, they can't be."
Well in any case, I think over your two questions there is a wide range of sound advice that you can draw from. (Another reason why this site is brilliant)
But I have to say I don't know why you feel "dirty" or "guilty". And you get turned on by women? Wow, most men would kill for a girl who gets turned on by other women.
That has the potential to make things more exiting in the bedroom. There is a chance of greater understanding between the two of you. You said he enjoys the fact you get turned on by other women...I bet he does! But this is great news for the both of you in my opinion.
Men get turned on by women. Men expect women to get to turned on by men, but if a woman gets turned on by another woman as well, it's something that he can relate too.
Just to go off on a tangent for a minute, many men get an earful from women for masturbating to porn (in the same way you reacted to him watching porn) because the woman thinks that he is masturbating to other women
Of course for the most part, that's not the case. The man is masturbating to porn because men need visual aids; men rarely watch porn to be engaged by it; i.e most men don't go and buy porn then buy some popcorn so they can settle in for the night and watch 2 hours of marathon sex; they just watch it to aid them masturbating for the odd 5 minutes when they need it.
Men don't masturbate to the introduction of porn where the woman is fully clothed and talking about herself, they masturbate to her getting penetrated -- that is the turn on for the man.
Now sure, he is looking at the woman (because men get turned on by women), but it is superficial. It doesn't mean he fancies her somehow; it's just the general VISUAL AID to masturbating. The woman could be anyone. She is not the central issue to him; the action of her in a sexual situation is the central issue. And of course it's not cheating; how can it be?
If I were you, I would put on some lesbian porn and watch it with him. If he sees you masturbating to it, it will turn him on BIG STYLE...but because of YOU. You won't be used as "sexual relief" because all his attention will be on you. Men LOVE watching women masturbate (seeing an ex of mine masturbate was something I'll sure never forget...) but him seeing you masturbate with females as a VISUAL AID is something he can relate to.
Try it. He'll come before you do -- but because of YOU, not the women in the porn. And you will be pleased because hopefully you will climax from masturbating, and also you will know that you have pleased him deeply because he has witnessed you masturbating with women as a visual aid -- something which he can relate to. And that is the key, VISUAL AID. You're not masturbating "over them" so much, you're masturbating "along with them". In exactly the same way he, and all men masturbate to women in porn; not "over them", but "with them".
What can he do to please you? That's for you to decide....
You've said that you used to masturbate to porn (albeit pictures) so I don't think that you can judge him for masturbating to porn...and I think you're right, if you try it, I think you will enjoy it.
But in addition, I think what you've felt, seen and heard with regard to porn is 100% perfectly natural; and not in any way dirty.
Though I am a bit concerned about what you say with your cousin touching you...when you were 7...?
I know people have all sorts of opinions on porn; and some will probably disagree with some of the things I've written, but I've been watching porn for years and I'm still a normal person. I still have respect for women and I don't spend my days stuck in a dark room on the internet downloading porn.
There is a comment from Diovan on another post that says "Obsession is a strong word. Looking at porn is a normal activity. Obsession is a normal activity that goes over board."
And that's what porn is; a normal activity -- for men and women. It's neither dirty nor cheating. And you certainly don't need to feel guilty.
Sorry, another (massive) long post from me; trust me, I tried to cut it down. If only I could write this much for work related stuff....
And I hope I made some sense. It's seriously early in the morning as I write this so you know....
Oh and by the way, in future if you post any more questions tell me it's you so I don't link you to one of your own questions ;-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advice and comments.
I'm trying to work on my over critical analysis of myself. I do put myself down a lot when I probably should not be.
Saltwater: This is pretty funny, I posted "How could he hurt me by watching pornography." I'm really confused now, lol. At least I don't feel as unhappy as I did a few weeks ago. After talking with him and getting everything off my chest I feel like I'm free? He really likes the fact that I get turned on by women, which is great because I thought I was a freak.
It's hard to understand how it isn't cheating? Does the context matter?
If I were to watch it with him I don't want to feel like I'm just getting used for sexual relief. When I was 6 or 7 one of my male cousins would watch porn and touch me. I feel really guilty because I liked it? I hate myself for liking it and not stopping it sooner.
Thanks again!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Whatever rocks your boat as they say! If that turns you on then that's fine. The only problem I see is your over-critical analysis of yourself. So you've enjoyed looking at porn. All that means is you're human. You have no reason to be judging yourself so harshly.
...............................
A
female
reader, PsyCookie  +, writes (31 August 2008):
 I understand you, to some level.
When I was younger, I also felt INCREDIBLY guilty after I masturbated. I was raised on a religion where masturbation is frowned against (I'm agnostic now, but that wasn't a reason to stop believing). I felt that all my thoughts were dirty and for that, I was a dirty,bad person. It made it worse that everyone saw me as this innocent little girl, it was like I was betraying their trust.
And I just couldn't help it. I tried so many times to quit, but sometimes I just had to do it. Sex never crossed my mind, incredibly, and I was very wise around boys. Well, I guess I have great will because I managed to stop.
It wasn't until years later, when I met my (current) boyfriend who made me realize that masturbation isn't wrong and that it's actually a good thing. I don't know what he did, really, but I guess he just made me confident about myself and that the thought of me doing the act actually turned him on (by the way, he confesed me that after we started to have sex).
My mom was never comfortable talking about this kind of stuff, and I don't blame her, she's pretty old (53) and was raised in a small town with old school ideas. I was neer raised with my older sister, so basically I had no guidance. I read the bible many times, and I only got confusing answers (seriously!).
I don't think it's really cheating, it's just...fantasizing. I don't like watching porn much, but I do try to watch it with my boyfriend. I have found porn entertaining (weird, but I laugh sometimes too) and also somewhat educational (if you know what I mean...), but I have never considered it a form of cheating.
...............................
A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (31 August 2008):
Oh and by the way, congrats on planning to get married.
Don't let this little issue prevent you from leading a happy and long-lasting marriage with this person.
...............................
A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (31 August 2008):
"dirty thoughts"...?
They are entirely natural thoughts!
There are many posts on this site about pornography, but I think the best one so far is...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
...it's a nice varied thread that covers all lot of different subjects with regards to pornography.
But put simply, no, it's not cheating.
...............................
|
