A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so i finally convinced this beautiful girl to go out with me that took forever,Shs shy and awkward but very smart an ambitious works and goes to school. I really think im falling in love with her well I think it was really love at first site when I saw her. one day we where talking I asked her how many men she has been with she didnt answer at first she then told me she didnt want to talk about it. A week goes buy i couldnt take it any more i told her to tell me it was driving me crazy she said i wouldnt understand we got in a fight and kinda broke up. Eventually she msged me saying she was sorry shouldnt have treated me that way. told her i wasnt mad just confused so we talked on the phone she said she never slept with any one willingly but she had been raped by a few different men starting was 6 and her mother knew about it but didnt care they dont get along to this day After that things havent been the same between us shes always busy now we havnt even really gotten back togather we dont talk she doesnt answer my msgs she will but way late i asked her if she still wants to be my girl she said she didnt know. I love this girl alot i know she is the one i would do anything for her how can i get her back ?
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ambition, broke up, sexual past, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 June 2011):
I’ll be frank-you’ve screwed up pretty badly here. You weren’t to know that she’s been through something this horrific, but you’ve acted like you have the right to know the numbers of men she’s slept with, and you failed to respect her feelings by respecting her wish not to discuss the matter. In forcing her hand, you forced her to admit to you what happened to her probably a lot sooner than she wanted-I’m sure you must appreciate how hard that must be for her to disclose to people. She’s distancing herself from you now probably because she is hurt, because you made her feel uncomfortable, because she feels disrespected and cheapened by your pestering like she’s a sexual object whose value is measured in terms of how much of a sexual past she has, and maybe resentful towards you for boxing her in to a corner and making her reveal her ordeal before she was ready. The best thing you can do now is to call or write her a propper message, to explain that you realise how your actions may have affected her, and sincerely apologise. Tell her how much she means to you, and how much you want to get the relationship back on track, and ask her how she feels about that. You should prepare for the possibility that she doesn’t want to continue it and that it’s too late, but your best chance of saving this is to follow the advice I’ve just given. Whatever happens, you’ll feel better that you’ve tried to put things right, and maybe she’s just waiting to hear the S word for what you’ve put her through. Good luck, I hope things work out but whatever happens, learn your mistakes from this.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 The below answer from serenity80 is right on. Trying to figure out how many men a woman has been with makes us feel like the only "worth" we have is our penetrability. If you liked her, when she said she didn't want to talk about it you should have dropped it. Pressuring her so much I'm sure felt like a serious invasion of privacy. And breaking up with her because she wouldn't tell you about something she's not obligated to tell you? Not cool. You just need to apologize repeatedly and see if she'll give you another chance. Explain that you really like her and curiosity just got the best of you and you really want to give it another chance because again you really really like her.
Also I'm kind of horrified that two out of three of the below answers suggest that she's lying based on... I'm not sure what. But I assume this is why less than 3% of rapes that occur end in any kind of conviction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): If it's true she was raped then this will have had a huge impact on her, stopping her from getting close to people. It will have been a very big thing for her to tell you. She will most likely need counselling but for someone this has happened to the thought of facing it will be very frightening.
If you want to continue with her then yes, I agree you need to go very slowly, and let her know that you will never make a move on her unless and until you have checked with her that she is comfortable with this.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (22 June 2011):
Why were you pestering her to find out how many guys she has slept with? Why do guys do this? If you really want to show a girl you love her, don't pester her to find out how many people she has slept with it will just make her feel objectified and cheap.
This girl obviously needs to feel safe and loved but you have not done this by your pestering, and your fighting. What has happened to her is terrible, and it is going to take a lot of time, patience, love and understanding for you two to be together.
If you think you're the man who can do this, then tell her, reassure her, tell her that what she has said doesn't change how you feel about her, and that you want to be there for her and take things as slowly as she wants. Hopefully with the trust you had already established, she will be open to give you another chance. It's going to be a tough road ahead of you, I hope you can understand that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): are you sure shes not lying ? dont call or msg or chat with her a few days,talk t her face t face one day and say that i just want you to know ill never tell anyone, dont feel sorry for her, even though you probably do, dont show it at all,wait till youve been together a while before you talk about it, just tell her that if its too uncomfortable for you,then we shouldnt try to be together,but that you like her a lot and if you want we can start over and go slow
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