A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok: confront or not? Just had the "are we sleeping with other people? Are we dating other people conversation" with the guy I've been dating for 2 months. He has been flaky in the beginnig and said he was but is no longer because he likes me and wants a girlfriend and something serious but he's also tired of introducing women to his mom that don't work out. Then last night, he tried to have sex without a condom pointing out we weren't having sex outside the relationship anymore (I refused saying I don't yet trust him like that). Then I went to use the bathroom and saw the back liner from a maxi pad in the trash. It was on top (meaning the person was recently there) He does have sisters but they don't live nearby and he said he hadn't seen his mom in 3 weeks. He's never mentioned female friends to me or that he's even close enough for one to be over his one bedroom apartment . With his work sked the only time he could have seen this person was after 11pm the night before i came over. After I left the apartment I went on the dating site where we met to deactivate it and saw he was online!!! (I had just left) Do I confront or not?! Or am I just being crazy from years of being burned by cheating guys?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2017): I found the same thing at my boyfriend's apartment. I think he was worried I saw something and I noticed he tied up the bag that was in the bathroom trashcan....he's most likely still sleeping around!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Stop giving this guy chances to demonstrate he cares let alone is worthy of your time. He's not.
Turf him. End it. Cut him out of you life.
Its the Holidays- A New Year. Time to spoil yourself, become a strong, confident woman who just doesn't have time for losers.
You'll be happier. Free to date and pick. BE CHOOSY!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBad update. Two days ago (right after our exclusive talk) I asked him to be my date for the after party for my friends wedding. He said yes and would see me after his work at 11pm.
Well at 11:20 tonight he called to say he wasnt going to meet us because he has work at 11am in the morning ! We were a mere can ride away and I'm told him I really wanted him to meet my friends.
I guess this guy is just interested in sex? I'm really hurt and disappointed.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2011):
 I think if you confront him, it should be gently, as 2 months is still a brand new relationship. His "I was dating, but now I'm not" could mean that he made the decision to go exclusive with you that very night. This means that he could have been dating a few days ago.
His rush for sex without a condom is WAY premature, and I think you should stick to your guns and make him wear one until the dating site is down and he's been tested for STD's.
Explain to him that you take sex and a relationship very seriously, and tell him what you saw, only not in a non-accusatory way. Tell him that you doubt that he has any need for maxi pads, and that unless he was on telling all the other prospective girls on the dating site that he was off the market, that you don't feel comfortable taking a "next step" with him until his actions match with what he's saying, and that he is no longer interested in dating other women.
Cerberus is right - until you both became "exclusive", he was free to date around. Your threshold of sexual activity is set at your comfort level. Personally, when I was single, I didn't become sexually active with a guy until after exclusivity was established. But that was just my personal code. Others have sex as part of the "see if they're a good fit" process.
Stick to your guns. Don't accuse, but point out that you must see exclusivity before acting exclusive. And get that test done! Better safe than sorry!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): How men process- since there was no solid commitment previous- you were in an opening dating, casual sex relationship.However, I would confront about the panty liner. I think giving the man the oppurtunity to man up so to speak and be honest is a good thing.You have to be realistic about it all though.The key thing here is from this point on, if you want to attempt to have an honest, monogamous relationship with this man.Ask him if he is capable of being monogmaous, faithful. Especially after you found the panty liner in his trash bin. Tell him you are no fool but that sh*t stops right there if he wants to commit to serious dating with you.Tell him you are a one man type of gal, faithful and will not sleep around and expect the same from the man you date.If he hems and haws or won't commit. WALK then stay gone.Good men appreciate a realistic woman that can be fair minded but also won't be no one's door mat.Adopt his attitude ALWAYS.Just because you act exclusive does not infer you are. It takes TWO people to make that decision TOGETHER.Make sense?
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You've only been dating this man a mere two months. Hardly any time at all. Have you both discussed being exclusive - or did you simply (until now)assume that you were?
In any case, it seems pretty clear that he is dating, if not sleeping, with other women from what you have told us.
I suppose it IS just possible that he has a platonic female friend who visited him after you, and didn't have sex with her, but she had to change her maxi-pad - but nah, that is HIGHLY unlikely! Visiting someone that late at night as a purely social call, plus going on the dating site - not to mention he wanted to have sex without using a condom.
Confront him if you like, but I think his behavior is very suspicious.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): There are plenty of little signs here to be cautious. Cautious but not jump to conclusions.
I say talk to him about the online profile, not that you saw him on it, ask him if he's still on it that you've deleted yours. As for the pantyliner your chance has passed to ask him about that. If that were me I would asked him if he was on is period then and there but you may start sounding a bit full on when it could be one of his sisters, or maybe it fell out of the bin a few weeks ago and he only picked it up then.
Just because he hasn't mentioned any doesn't mean he doesn't have female friends. So be cautious but put this off as meaning nothing. Because technically he was free to mess around with others until you made it official, not something I would do and I certainly wouldn't continue on with a girl who was dating others at the same time either. As for the no condom thing, don't have sex with him without one until he's been tested for sti's and can show you proof. I do it with all new girlfriends, it's quick, painless and goes without saying completely logical and sensible, so he can have no qualms about it.
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