A
female
age
41-50,
*enLoveMe
writes:I am trying to decode this relationship I am in. I am having an affair (reluctantly) with a married man and I am also married but have been separated for years. He refuses to let me go. He has tried with my encouragement, but he is very weak for me and sees me almost daily which makes it very hard for us both. It is hard for me, but I find ways to cope so that even when I see him I am okay most of the time. But the longer this goes on the deeper it gets for us both. I have had doubts about his love for me. He says he has never felt this way about any woman. He has cheated on his wife before and seems to have a strong desire for sex though he gets it at home. If he is within 100 yards of me, he is distracted and unable to focus. He cannot keep his hands off me and is becoming more and more passionate. He gets sensitive when I say he doesn't love me, that it is just lust. But often says he wishes we met before he got married. I resist him because this is not the kind of woman I am and I don't understand how he can do this to his wife, but now I have become just as bad because I found myself giving in to him. He can be so into mez and notices everything about me. He recognizes me from a distance and stops dead in his tracks whenever he sees me. Is this love? Or am I just a convenient side dish for him? He expressed a desire to leave his wife until she busted him by spying. Now he has decided to try and have us both. But he is clearly conflicted and doesn't know why he cannot resist me. I think he hasn't given it enough time. He expects his longing to go away quickly but when it doesn't he uses it as an excuse to come looking for me. How can we break this pattern once and for all?
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female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (22 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Candid Cally: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! I was beginning to think I was in a war zone or the Twilight Zone (not sure which is worse). LOL FINALLY, a well-thought-out response that was sincere and extremely helpful!!! I say it is an affair because we have been physically affectionate, but we are not having intercourse. The Bible says if you look upon someone to lust after them, you have committed adultery with them already in your heart. I am tempted and I think about it, but when the opportunity presents itself, I fight it. I didn't give enough information I suppose.
Love in the true sense of the word cannot be found in the context of any type of affair, in my opinion. I am ashamed that I allowed this false friendship to come to this. I partly want the love to be genuine because of all the hell I have been through behind this relationship. But I don't need his love and I am not in bondage to his affection toward me. I may be just allowing this foolishness sheerly for entertainment purposes.
You are right! I need to be more assertive, and have been in the past, but I tried to play with fire and got burned!! It was primarily for revenge because when I contacted his wife, she turned on me!! I truly love these words: "Love or not, he is selfish and self-serving to his core. While the attention he is giving you is flattering and exciting, I would probably not call it love. Any man who can give up his future wife for another woman who 'bought' him is probably not capable of truly loving another person. What he is capable of is manipulating the women in his life to give him what he wants. This way, he can stay married to money and live a comfortable lifestyle while he seeks out other women for the romantic and emotional aspect his marriage lacks.
He may think he loves you, you may even hope this is true...but until he actually divorces his wife, he is only being selfish."
You have wisdom, insight, and compassion in your response. Even if you despise me for what I have done, it did not come across in your response. For that I am very grateful! You have given me the confirmation that I needed to let go and move forward!!! :-D
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (22 December 2012):
After reading through everything:
I think your use of the word 'affair' confused me initially. To me a person who is having an affair is engaging in both sexual and emotional intimacy with someone they are not married to. As I understand what you have written, he can't keep his hands off of you but you have not engaged in any sort of physical acts of sexual intimacy. If this is the truth, then it is an *emotional* affair. While still an affair of sorts, it is still different than having "an affair."
No one here can tell you whether this man truly loves you. Personally, I think he is infatuated with you, but whether this infatuation is lust, love, or is a manifestation of a midlife-crisis caused by self-reflection after assessing the current state of his marriage, i can't say.
If you have no intention of pursuing an affair with this man, you need to be more assertive and less emotionally available to him. When he touches you, move away and tell him it is innapropriate for a married man to constantly be touching a married woman. If a conversation turns to things of a personal or romantic nature, gently urge him to seek counsel elsewhere. If he is truly unhappily married, he needs to speak to his wife, a counselor, and/or a lawyer. His continued pursuit of your affection is causing pain for him, his wife and for you. This is selfish behavior and he is a selfish man.
Love or not, he is selfish and self-serving to his core. While the attention he is giving you is flattering and exciting, I would probably not call it love. Any man who can give up his future wife for another woman who 'bought' him is probably not capable of truly loving another person. What he is capable of is manipulating the women in his life to give him what he wants. This way, he can stay married to money and live a comfortable lifestyle while he seeks out other women for the romantic and emotional aspect his marriage lacks.
He may think he loves you, you may even hope this is true...but until he actually divorces his wife, he is only being selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): Love is genuine, honest.
This man sounds like a serial cheat and with this fact, narcissistic personality disorder so he is in need of narcissistic supply. You are one. That is all.
Its easy for him to say pretty words. You believe in the words that don't cost him much effort for them to be backed and believeable. You believe they are true, hunger for them to be true. So when he has sex with you- you chose to believe he is being honest and sincere. He's not.
Because his actions are void of truth to the weight of his words because he has never left nor truly had the intention to leave his wife.
He the Predator knows your own lack of self worth and self esteem makes you an easy target- gullible, weak to his attentions.
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-reaction-to-deficient-narcissistic-supply/
You, yourself would rather still live in this toxic dynamic and even though we are helping you by being honest and telling you what we, in wisdom and removed by emotion - can see clearly; you chose to become hostile and angry and attack us.
We offer you our advice, in the end, you choose to stay or listen.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (21 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: He came by to see me today. I am like a drug to this addict who refuses to seek treatment. Again I ask, why? Is it love? Few people have even remotely attempted to answer my question. Anyway, he asked to come in and I said no. I didn't say much else, so he left. Make no mistake, he WILL be back!! SMH
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (21 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHE pursues ME, NOT the other way around!! I am not alienating his affections, he is voluntarily throwing it on me!! HE wants ME because he feels something with ME he hasn't felt before. HE continues to choose ME, though I refuse to give him what HE wants. I care, but I am exercising SELF-CONTROL.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (21 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am having a hard time reading your comments. I am having legitimate struggles.Because there are far too many details to any relationship, there is no way to fully communicate what this is like for me.I did nothing to encourage this man, but rather the opposite! This man has relentlessly pursued me despite my rejections of his advances. He does not seem to get how harmful this is to me and MY family! His wife is NOT the only injured party here! I admitted to an affair that IS acknowledging my part! Open marriage is immoral by God's standards as much as infidelity. I feel NO guilt because caring for someone is NOT a sin!! Especially if you do not act on your feelings!! I am trying to prevent things from going there. Developing feelings for someone I have spent the past year fighting with These are REAL situations that are NOT black and white!!! My life is not a joke, this is real. Do you think I enjoy this?! What kind of monster do you think I am?! My user name is MenLoveMe for a reason. They tend to fall hard and all without my help. Read into it what you like!
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (19 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe ran into each other, as we so often do. He stalks me on the job (undercover) and always seems to know when and where to find me. He and his wife have a son and she is very well-off financially. He seems to be wrestling with the thought of losing his son and a cushy lifestyle. Plus, he keeps trying to see if I am willing to wait around for him. He asked me if she threw him out, could he stay with me. I did not answer. I don't intend to answer. I saw him coming out of a storage place the other day. Not sure what he is up to, but I am not getting in the middle of that. Still don't know if my life got turned upside down for real love or not. It seems I may never truly know. A few men have been bugging over me lately and it has me really curious. Could several men fall in love with a good woman simultaneously even though they have never touched her? Just from friendship based on respect and genuine concern?! This has never happened to me before.. Well, it has, but I guess I was too young and busy to pay attention back then. It justs seems surreal, like something out of a movie! (Shrugs)
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (19 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionImmortalPrincess: Girl you are hilarious! I told myself the same thing! I said, "he probably said the same thing to other women." Thank God I am not foolish enough to believe that if he and I were a couple that he would NEVER cheat on me. No, I am not desperate enough, nor crazy enough to want to find out, either!! LOL I am just trying to determine if he loves me for real. I guess I need to know for my own sanity because his pursuit of me has caused a lot of problems for me and I am hoping it was not in vain. Before I walk away for good, I need to know what this is. He comes around just to look at me. He hugs me, squeezes me tightly from the waist up, does not try anything and sighs. He gets a little teary-eyed and seems so sincere. I cannot tell if it is real or not because I cannot allow myself to go there. I don't want to deceive myself. It would give me closure to know if it is real love or not. I plan to write a book about this, and when I get to this relationship I want to be able to definitively say to my readers what it was. Right now, it is just not clear to me.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (19 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Honeygirl! Chile, NO! I am not in need of anybody's sloppy seconds. Honestly I am just curious to know if of all the women he has cheated with, am I the woman he truly loves. It does not mean he can have me, but I just want the truth. I tried warning his wife before, and she flipped out on me. She goes into a jealous rage! She DEFENDS him!! SMH I told her that it is her fault, she enables him and has unleashed him on the rest of the world. But she continues to make it about ME and NOT the man she married. I used to feel for her until she turned on me. I figure she is getting what she deserves because she bought him while he was engaged to another woman, and refuses to hold HIM accountable. She'd rather respond in envy and malice toward the woman he has affection for because it soothes her bruised ego. Also, she is trying to guard her reputation and does not want his unfaithfulness to get out.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (19 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear So_Very_Confused:
You use very strong words and there is a lot of truth there, so I thank you. However, I never said we were having sex, nor that he alone was to blame. I do not in any way feel powerless. I am taking responsibility for my part. It is not easy to resist temptation, but I do so because I DO love myself. But I do care for this man and no matter how many times I tell myself it is wrong, it is what it is. The reality is that we cannot choose who we love. I am not sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife nor making myself available to him. Please read with comprehension so I don't have to waste time explaining what is written in plain English.
Open marriage is no better. It is just as immoral as infidelity. Happy for your marriage, hope it lasts. I have never been divorced. No man will ever leave me. It is a blessing and a curse. I don't now, nor have I EVER had to spread my legs to get that kind of response or commitment from a man. There is so little information about me in my question, so you cannot possibly know what I am about. I am NOT that kind of woman who would hurt another woman and sleep with her husband. Caring is an occupational hazzard when you are in such intense communication with someone over a period of time. Fighting over the fact that he CAN'T have me actually created a bond. Caring for someone is NOT a sin.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (19 December 2012):
MenLoveMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Candid Cally:Thank you. I recognized my words immediately. I am not pursuing a relationship with this man nor having sex with him. But we do have an intense chemistry and he seems torn about not being with me wholeheartedly. I have already made up my mind. After being on this planet several decades plus I know who I am and what I want. I am not interested in a cheater nor being a side dish. I am not interested in the other men for a number of reasons. I don't need any man nor the attention. I am trying to figure out why me, why now? After dotting all my eyes and crossing my teeth my whole life, I wonder if I am missing true love because it is being presented inappropriately. I cut off communication, but he has access to me daily, so it is hard to avoid him. I feel it is a waste to hate him for "loving" me if that is what it is, so I end up speaking to him. Honestly I just want him to man up and fix his marriage, but if he truly cannot accept life without me to come correct. If he did, I don't know that I would accept him. I just want to get to the truth.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (19 December 2012):
I think you need to ensure that the married man sees and understands the following regarding his marriage: " Only you can restore her faith in you. A lot of homework may have to be done before a professional counselor comes in. You may need to find ways to get her to communicate and tell you what she needs, but that will require a choice on your part. If you decide to go hard and work on your marriage, you have to let this infatuation go. If there is anything in that relationship worth saving, it can be restored should your marriage fail. But you have to examine where your wife is emotionally, physically, and psychologically in this marriage. Once you feel clear about whether to fight for your wife or let her go, then you will know how to handle your new love interest. You cannot have them both. You have to make a decision."
If this sounds familiar, it is because the words are yours.
Sometimes, it is difficult to do what is right because the heart wants what it wants...but does your heart want to be in a relationship with a man who can't (or simply won't) devote his whole heart to you?
Just because a man wants you doesn't mean that you have to give in to him. If you really have recently noticed many men are interested in pursuing you, i'm sure you have options that aren't married or in a relationship.
You need to ask yourself what makes this man who pursues affairs so appealing? Do you find the challenge of winning over a married man's affections titillating? Do you enjoy the thrill of covert meetings? Do you relish his obvious discomfort and inability to focus when he comes within 100 feet of you? Do you simply enjoy all of the attention that you receive from the opposite sex?
Most importantly ask yourself: what do you desire? Can this man fulfill whatever role you want him to play in your life? If he cannot or will not, or if he makes excuses and asks for more time, you should end things and stand firm. If other men are chasing you and you desire more than being just a piece on the side, take advantage of the interest in you and date a few of your available suitors.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2012):
 I’m sorry op but “this is not the kind of woman I am” is a lie. IT is the kind of woman you are. It’s the kind of woman you would like NOT to be. You are having an affair with a married man. Face it. Saying “reluctantly” does not make it better.
HE REFUSES to let me go…. So you have NO SAY in YOUR OWN behavior? This whole affair is HIS FAULT? You have no control? How sad for you to feel so powerless.
You are right to have doubts about his love for you. He does not love you. You don’t love yourself so how can he love you? If you loved yourself you would have enough respect for yourself to not be his dirty thing on the side.
He says he’s never felt this way about any woman. I say I’m long tall and gorgeous therefore it must be so. JUST BECAUSE someone SAYS something does not mean it’s true.
He can’t keep his hands off of you and it’s becoming more and more passionate. IF you cut him off of sex do you think the passion would still be there? Would HE still be there? IF it’s love it can survive without sex. Would it? I doubt it.
I wish I had met my husband before I was married to my ex-husband. I would not have had another divorce under my belt.
Is this love? NO it’s not love. Like I said cut out the sex and see what happens. LOVE endures.
He said he was leaving his wife until push came to shove. He’s not leaving her. He never had any intentions of leaving her.
He does not resist you because you let him have you. This is all on you. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BE AN ADULT AND DO THE RIGHT THING. How would you feel if you were his wife? Unless you have talked to her and gotten HER permission to sleep with her husband as his little tidbit on the side you are culpable and in the wrong as much as he is. ONLY women who have affairs with men they don’t know are married get my sympathy when they find out and have to end it.
I met a man while in an open marriage. I did not cheat. I had permission to have this affair…. Guess what? I’m married to my new husband and I DO NOT have an open marriage now. No way I’m sharing my husband or myself with anyone else. I’d rather do without sex in my current marriage than cheat or lie or share.
How do you break this nasty pattern. YOU just say NO.
You delete and block his phone numbers an emails.
You go NO CONTACT.
IF you must see him at work or civic events, you treat him with professional courtesy nothing more and nothing less.
stop being a doormat.
stop being used
stop accepting bad behavior.
IF he really loves and wants you, when you cut him off he will leave his wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 "Is this love? Or am I just a convenient side dish for him? He expressed a desire to leave his wife until she busted him by spying. Now he has decided to try and have us both."This man is a serial cheater, and wants to have both you and his wife. If he was so unhappy he should have divorced his wife but Noooo!! he just makes up stories to make him look like the victim - it helps him to justify his affairs.If you continue with this affair you are really just wasting your time. Start by telling him NO CONTACT, if that doesnt work threaten to tell his wife - give her evidence if need be - block his number from your mobile, change email addresses, hell, find another job.It is all up to you - do you really want to spend the rest of your life enjoying "sloppy seconds"??????
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (18 December 2012):
 So you are not the first woman he has cheated on his wife with?
"He says he has never felt this way about any woman."
You're not the first woman he has used this line on, either. I would be willing to bet he used it on the first woman he cheated with, as well as the woman he is married to.
You need to take a step back and think long and hard about this. You're not going to want to remain the "woman on the side" - Eventually you're going to want him to leave his wife. He is a serial cheater - do you really want a man who is incapable of being faithful? Do not allow yourself to believe that you are "the one" - that he would NEVER cheat on you.
My best friend married a serial cheater. She was the third woman he cheated on bis wife with, and she was aware of it, and married him anyway. She fall for all the usual lines that cheating men use.
"My wife is such a b****, she doesn't understand me the way you do".
"We're so connected, I've never had this kind of connection with another woman."
"You're my dream girl, why didn't I meet you first?"
"You're the only woman I've ever felt this way about."
Less then two years later, he kicks her and their infant son out the door and moves another woman in. Don't fall into that trap.
In my opinion, men like this don't have the vaguest concept of love. They think they "love" every woman they're with, and that's the problem.
Do your heart and your head a huge favor, and distance yourself from this relationship before it is too late.
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