A
male
age
51-59,
*asyEK
writes:Dear Aunts, I beg you to read my post (which unfortunately I could not find other way of making it short as feel all details are important). I will appreciate your advice to enable me see the better picture out the situation that me and girlfriend (we have been together for one year now) are stuck at the moment. I divorced from my ex-wife after she repeatedly cheated on me about 1.5 years ago. The break-up with my ex-wife was very ugly and since then, the traumatic experience of what I had to go through with my ex-wife, I must admit that I could have some self-esteem problems as well. However, I am currently in a long distance relationship with a very sweet girl who lives in my home country as I had to relocate since December 2009 to Europe after I got a very good job that also offered me the opportunity to develop my career and live away from the environment where my first marriage broke down.Regarding my relationship with my girlfriend, I can only describe it as a very good and satisfying relationship for both of us. We are also talking about long-term commitment after my divorce gets finalized at the courts and we have plans of getting married at the end of the year so that she can eventually come and live with me in Europe. She is a very genuine person, confident and a very sweet lover to me. Despite the distance, we have also invested significantly in seeing each other from time to time as in she visited me at the beginning of the year in January and stayed with me for two months until in March when she got a good job in Tanzania and we agreed that she should take it while I also sort out my mess from my previous marriage (divorce, property issues, child support arrangements, etc). So we have been in a long-distance relationship since then. In May this year we again re-united for a 10-day holiday together in Kenya, which we both enjoyed very much.Thanks to the availability of cheap long-distance mobile phone talk plan to my country, I can afford to call her at least 2-3 times every coming and going day and we also exchange 1-2 e-mails at least during the week days when we are at work. But now here comes the problems which have seriously jeopardized our relationship recently. About one month ago, we had an argument that emanated from her not being responsive to communication (this relates mainly to the fact that she would not normally initiate a communication contact (in this case I am referring to sms and e-mails only as the cost of her calling me from that end is rather prohibitive). Her argument then was that the urge to communication with me must be something that derives from a need within her mind and she does not see it relevant to just do it for the sake of making me happy or reciprocating back and ensuring that we are always connected. We argued for a long time about this with her saying that she does not see any problems with us and that this can only be a problem with me. She then said that I may be a difficult, overcomplicated person and if it prevails like this, she sees not possible to continue with this relationship. I personally found her declaring of me to be complicated/difficult rather insensitive, considering the fact that whenever we are together, everything seems to be okay. Plus her threatening that she may leave me made me feel that she finds my love towards her as something she can dispense of and her life would be just ‘normal. But afterwards we then agreed that we need to learn how to communicate better with each other and avoid any unnecessary arguments. But I must also say that when things are normal between us, we talk and joke a lot literally about anything in as far as it does not harm the other person’s emotions/feelings. Then last night I gave her a call as usual just to say good night and cath-up on how was the day, etc and suddenly our conversation turns to be about my face book account. Then from nowhere she asks whether I have photos of my ex-wife posted on my face book? ? I found that particular question rather disrespectful of my feelings, considering the emotionally traumatic experience I had gone through which culminated in me deciding to separate with my wife. She responded saying that she was joking/teasing me and that I should have taken it easy. But on my side, I felt that even if she was joking, she must now know that she has gone overboard and that she should at least say “I am sorry”. The argument then became ugly and she again repeated her labeling of me as a difficult, overcomplicated person, to which out of desperation I responded back saying she is free to leave me if that is what she wants. But then she texts me saying that why I am always talking of her and me breaking up so often these days? Is that what is my mind all the time? Then she said that we need take some time to re-evaluate this relationship to see if it is okay for us to continue, etc. But I really love this girl and I will be hurt very much in the event that this relationship fails. Your honest advice will be very appreciated (please feel free to scold me too if necessary!)
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at work, cheap, cheated on me, divorce, ex-wife, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, EasyEK +, writes (5 August 2010):
EasyEK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those aunts who have taken the time to read my long post and post back with some good comments- very much appreaciated. As for the question from tennisstar88-yes it is a little early for me to get married but I am taking this as part of my 'search' for a good person that I can eventually get married to and live with happily. Again thank you for your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Hey there!! Yup, your post is a little long but no worries because I posted something and it is super long, too. No responses yet, though. :( Anyway,from what you said about your girlfriend, it sounds to me that she did not respect the fact that you are still a little hurt when someone talk about your ex. Also, you mentioned that she was the one who has been bringing up the whole "ending the relationship" topic. Please dont feel bad but i think that she is the one who wants less communication. If you guys have fun when you are together, it tells me that you guys enjoy being with each other. Also, distance didn't seem to be an impediment for you two to have a relationship. I hope I am wrong, but have you considered the fact that she might have met someone else at work? I think you should tell her straight out (although i think you have already done so) your true intentions: get married and be happy with her. I really hope your relationship with this girl improves, since it seems like you are in really really in love with her. Best wishes!PS-please, take only what you feel is worth keeping from this comment I made. :)Take care!!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Two things first off when reading ur post...Dont u think its a lil soon to jump into another relationship much less another marriage? And secondly if she keeps threatening to break up with u then why doesnt she do it already? And no ur not a difficult person..sounds like she's having problems keeping up the relationship or trying to find a way out. We all know long distance, international relationships are hard, communication is key, and both parties have to keep up their side of the maintenance in order for it to work. I really dont think she can handle it therefore Id break it off before she upset u any further. Ur still at a delicate stage in ur life and ur not quite ready for another relationship..I would toss in some flings in order to get through, it seemed to help me..then when i was done I met my husband
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