A
female
age
41-50,
*plendid_spiders
writes:Well, here I am again -- the saga of the missing condoms continues. I wrote a few weeks ago about a collection of condoms in my boyfriend's closet, that have been disappearing. Many of you and some of my guy friends stated that my boyfriend may be using them to masterbate, being he doesn't fit the profile or habits of a cheater and the fact he does watch a lot of porn when I'm not home. Anyhoo, last week was rather weird and stressful and I need more advice. He came home from work, took a shower and said he was going over to his friend's house. He said he'd be home at 10pm or 11pm and asked if I'd watch a movie with him ... I agreed. He left our home around 6 and called me at 8pm to say hi and that he missed me, loved me and would be home around 11. Well, 11 rolled around and he never came home. I was bored and went upstairs to clean. Two condoms that were there before he'd gone out, were gone (unless i'm delusional because of my pregnant hormones!) I flipped! I cried! I paced the floors all night 'til 3am when he called and said he was on his way home. I told him I knew he was screwing around on me and that I knew about the missing condoms. He didn't get defensive like I figured he would have. He seemed shocked and hurt that I would accuse him. He said he got drunk at his friend's house and that they wouldn't let him drive til he sobbered up some. He said that he doesn't know what happened to the condoms and maybe they are still in his closet somewhere. He asked me to please stop accusing him of cheating. And to make everything more complicated, he shows NO other signs of cheating! This is all so crazy and I'm so sad and confused. We are having a baby in four weeks and now I'm scared to death. All these condoms are missing, yet why does he use them? The other night was the first night he's gone out in over nine months. He's always home with me and I haven't noticed any changes in his behavior at all. In fact, when he came home that night, he attempted to convince me to cuddle and have sex with him, but I slept on the couch. Why would he do that if he'd just screwed someone else? At work he works with only males ... no females. In fact, in the five years I've known him, he's never had a female friend at all. he doesn't have female numbers on his cell phone, which he always leaves sitting right next to me and half of the time I have to remind him where he put it. I don't see how he could be screwing around at work, being he's on the road throughout the day making deliveries, picks me up at lunch to take me to work and then picks me up after work. Nothing adds up! Guys, tell me honestly, how many of you use condoms to masterbate? I'm just not buying it anymore and I'm about to leave him ... even though he is so sweet to me and good to my daughter (And no, I don't think my daughter is taking the condoms). Am I blinded by love? He is still the same ol sweet guy, always tells me he loves me, always kissin and huggin me and our sex life is just as good as ever before. Is he just that good at sneaking around that I'm not able to catch him? But if he was so good at being sneaky, why would he have been so careless with the condoms? And no, I'm not talking to him about it anymore because it doesn't do any good. He's either lying or telling the truth and I'm too stupidly in love to know the difference, I guess. Help!
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female
reader, splendid_spiders +, writes (18 October 2007):
splendid_spiders is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love this site and the fact I have all of you to talk to. It's nice to be able to get good advice, to vent and to know I'm not alone. As far as my daughter goes, you all are making me think here. She's 15, but hasn't even had a boyfriend yet. Her and I are extremely close being I'm a very young mom and had her at 15. Her and I are very open with each other and she is aware of the condom mystery. She loves my boyfriend and doesn't think he's cheating on me with another woman. She actually thinks he might be bi and is cheating with another man! I admit that this has crossed my mind several times, but seems too far fetched. If you all look at my previous posts, you will see that I have found my boyfriend with some gay and shemale porn. I also believe that he uses a dildo on himself occasionally because he has one hidden in his closet. In fact, a few weeks ago when the condoms first began missing,two went missing that time and I actually found the second one placed next to the dildo with some lube. A male friend of mine told me that he obviously used the dildo on himself and had put the condom on it. And yes, it is true that my boyfriend has shown some interest in anal sex while we are having sex. On the other hand, I'm an open minded person and I know that many straight men like anal sex ... so I dunno! Also, when the condoms started to go missing, my boyfriend also began visiting a new male friend of his he met from work. Now, I haven't met this mysterious friend yet, but he is the same friend that my boyfriend supposedly went to hang out with the other night when the other two condoms went missing (the night he stayed out so late). And I will tell you all this: before he met this mysterious guy, my boyfriend did not go out and he stayed home with me every night. Another interesting fact: my boyfriend has no female friends and never has since I met him 5 years ago. So you all tell me -- could he be bi? I know he's not gay because he's always been very sexually attracted to me (even with my big pregnant belly!) I will also mention this: my boyfriend does not lust after other women. Sure, if there's a half naked woman on TV, he will comment on it, but other than that, he just doesn't look at other women ... not even when I'm around. A friend of mine told me that she saw him at a concert last year and two female band members were flirting with him. She said that he just ignored them (he didn't know my friend was there). Another interesting fact: five years ago when I first met him, he had a girlfriend. Well, he never even gave me a second look until they broke up. He's really not the type to cheat ... I'm so confused! And why didn't I follow him to this mysterious friend's house? Because my boyfriend and I share my car. We also shares my bank card. He has bad credit so I'm in charge of finances for now. But, the fact remains, two condoms went missing right before he left to his frined's house (unless my pregnancy is causing me to be delusional). What do I know of the other facts from that night? 1)He asked me for ten dollars for some beer to share with his buddies. 2)He called around 8pm to tell me he loved me and he'd be home at 11pm. 3)he showered before he went out.4)my daughter was here with me all night. One more thing that doesn't add up: before he left, he originally had plans to hang out with his brother. He called and said his brother wasn't home and asked if he could have some beer money and that he was going to stop by his friend's house to watch their band reherse. He ran in the house, grabbed the money, kissed me and left (no time to grab condoms). If he orginally planned to go to his bro's, why need condoms the first time he left the house? See? None of this makes sense! I want to thank you all for bearing with me through all this. I'm sorry if I've overwhelmed you all with facts and information, but I want you all to be clear on what happened. Perhaps it is possible that I have trust issues. I have been in some very bad, abusive relationships before. This is the first relationship I've been in that's actually healthy. My boyfriend and I don't fight at all and it could be possible that I am unknowingly creating drama for myself. Is it possible that I am so afraid he'll cheat, that my mind tricked me into seeing condoms that were never even really there? To be honest, the condoms are spread out all over the floor of his closet. I swore I counted 10 a month ago and now there only seem to be 7 left. But the mind is tricky. Yes, I have been counting them; therefore, I have trust issues. I know this. Sigh. Thanks everyone. Xoxo.
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (18 October 2007):
 Yea, I'm with the anon female respondant on this one. I would definitely NOT rule out the daughter taking the condoms just yet. I too started having sex at a young age - which means girls (daughters) were having sex at a young age too.
Relax a bit and retrace everyones steps - if you can. When your boyfriend left the home - did your daughter go somewhere too? Or did she leave before your boyfriend - but after you counted the condoms? When the condoms go missing, is your boyfriend always out late? Is your daughter taking trips to friends homes when condoms go missing?
You'll need to watch them both. The fact that your boyfriend was "shocked" and got "offended" that you would accuse him of cheating does not mean he isn't cheating. It could mean that he's just good and keeping his cool under pressure and can sound legit even when he's not. Not saying this is the case with your man - just saying that it's possible.
Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): Hi Sweet pea, I read your original post I think about condoms changing in his wallet and you were a bit confused?
This is a difficult time for you being pregnant and yes your emotions will be all over the place. I would suggest you maybe see your doctor at the moment as this is hard for you to go through and get to the bottom of in your current situation.
I have a feeling that something maybe up - unfortuanately - and I might be wrong. I am sorry to say but I think he is or has been up to something. It firstly doesn't make sense with the changing condoms and the missing ones you have just advised him about. I also think that the fact he didn't get defensive, doesn't mean a thing. Also I understand you thoughts about him working and always being loving and with you, but, but, but - I am not trying to say I am right - but it is similar to my relationship, condoms etc and I was devastated to find out that he was cheating, never saw it coming.
Gather yourself together, see your doctor and tell you man to let you know what is going on. Some people would say you need proof before you accuse, you have already told him about knowing the missing condoms, so sneaking around is not really the option.
Not terribly constuctive advice, but I see him being up to something from where I stand.
Take care and make sure you get support around you.
I hope I am wrong. x x x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): How old is your daughter? A lot of parents are ignorant to the fact that their child is having sex. I had sex at 12, and more & more young people are having sex early on. So I would definetly not cut that idea out of your head. Can you set up a hidden camera in your bedroom next time you have a stash of condoms planted? If the condoms suddenly stop disappearing, & your daughter doesn't know about this problem you're having, I would assume your mate has been using them afterall. Why did you not go to his friend's house the night he came home at 3 am after finding missing condoms? I would just drive by & make sure his car is there at least! I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're going to have to be sneakier than he may possibly be being & catch him. Or your daughter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): Yikes, ok first off take a deep breath! Stressing out this much before having your baby isn't good for either the baby or you :(
I'm gonna be honest, it doesn't look good :( Condoms don't just dissapear. The part about him not coming home till 3 in the morning because he was drunk, sounds good....but then why wouldn't he just call you to let you know...or even have his friends call you?
On the other hand, it almost seems too ovbious that there are 'missing condoms' in the drawer. It seems like if he was to have an affair, he wouldn't just come out and take a condom that either one of you could easily grab to use? He'd buy some and keep a stash of his own? Maybe he really is just masterbating
I know you want opinions from everyone and if it were me, I'd probably take a tally, but this is something you gotta talk to him about. Either that, or follow his ass around which I don't recomend doing this close to your due date.
I do have to say it's a good sign that he's not getting all defensive but if he's acting 'shocked' that your even saying this and that he can't believe you'd ever think he was cheating on you what's his excuse?? Cause obviously it's not you taking the condoms. Can he even give you an explanation/excuse??
We've all been blinded by love, don't get to down on yourself!
Take care and good luck!
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